Monday, 17 May 2010

Missing My Little Chaddy

The house is so quiet without my little boy.  I really miss him and the dogs are sniffing around and looking around for him.
We tried to talk on Skype last night, but the connection was so bad, there were delays and bad sound so we just IM'ed on google talk.
We also spoke on the phone, but skype is better so we can see him and he wanted to see Spike and Miss Piggy.  They got all excited when they heard his voice, but very confused, because they could not find him and they ended up licking and sniffing the laptop.
Apparently he was crying quietly in the car. He did not want to stay after his dad dropped him off. It is so sad, because he worries so much about everything.  He is so scared something will happen to us or him.  He was such a confident child with very little fear and now hides his lack of confidence and fears almost everything. It is very sad.  Fortunately, they saw animals almost straight away and he apologised to my parents and said he was just very sad, but feels better and thanked them for inviting him with.
My mother wanted to cry, because the way he said it, it was so touching.
He was fine last night when we spoke to him and was very excited about the animals they saw.  Two huge elephants very close to the car, rhino, hippo, zebra; lots of buck and baboons.
The went to Skukuza and had lunch there. Skukuza is the capital of Kruger National Park. It is the biggest camp and includes facilities like a shop, an ATM, an Internet Cafe, restaurant, library and more. It has 80 camping sites for caravans and luxury tents, various different type bungalows; a dormitory for school camps and a guest house.

They then drove to Lower Sabie, because you usually see more animals there. Lower Sabie is on the perennial Sabie River, which draws a variety of animals all year round.  I am not sure where they saw the elephant and Rhino but they drove all day and only got back to their camp at 5.30pm. Lower Sabie also has a variety of accommodation - luxurious guest house, bungalows, camp sites; safari tents etc. Is this not just the life - bungalow overlooking the Sabie River.

They got back to their camp Pretoriuskop tired, but happy that they saw more than just buck. The camp is full of baboons, which is a bit of a worry, because they are so dangerous and have become desensitized to humans, so they don't run away. Pretoriuskop is situated in the Pretoriusk0p sourveld, surrounded by hills and valleys covered with dense grass.

When I phoned this morning, they were getting ready to go driving again. Chad had packed a basket with sweets; chips; coldrinks, his camera and binoculars and was ready to go looking for lion.  I so hope they do see Lion, that is such a treat to see lion in the bush.  They are not going to drive too much today, because it is hot and my dad's legs are very sore from all the driving yesterday, so they are going to come back to camp and relax by the pool.  Pretoriuskop has a lovely pool and pic-nick area. As seen in the picture.

Bye for today

The Party

Chad had his birthday party yesterday and had a really great time.  As usual I never took many photos.  I took a couple in the beginning, then got chatting and forgot to take more photos.
In the end there were a lot more people as his one friend's brother asked if he could also race and his mom would pay, we said it was fine and we paid for him as well.  Mark and his friend also raced, one child did not RSVP or pitch, so there was a space open and they just paid for two more, so there were two teams of 5 each. His mom and sister also stayed to watch the races and stayed till the end
The all had great fun, especially Chad and now he wants to become a race car driver, heard that one before - the last time when he raced there years ago.
One of the other boys' from school, also had two brothers that wanted to race and their mom also stayed.  Their hints to also race fell in deaf ears.  Maybe, I was being nasty, but I just don't believe that siblings have to join in or tag along at parties, if they are not invited.  I would never do that to someone.  I did not mind the other boy, because I know the family and they phoned and asked if it would be OK if he just raced, but did not join the party, as he has never raced in door go-carts before. I really did not mind them joining.
The other mom did not even ask, her boys just kept saying they will race in place of one boy who was 2 minutes late, then again when we spoke about the one that did not reply and again when the one girl felt a bit nervous.
The other boy arrived during the driver's brief so he was not even late and I thought it was a bit much just saying they will ride and not waiting to be asked. That's why I just ignored their hints.
Besides we only booked for 8 cars and already Mark and his friend were filling in, in case two kids did not pitch and in the end we paid for two extra cars.
At R120.00 each for ten minutes, its a lot of money and we had booked for two ten minute races, so without the food, sweets and coldrinks just the go carts were two and half thousand rand, which is a lot of money to spend, so I definitely was not going to be generous to kids that were not invited and who I had met for the first time that day.  Some people just don't think and I think it is quite rude.

Well Chad had such fun and really enjoyed himself.  Two of his friends came home with us and they played scale electric then went home at around 5 then we packed because he was leaving for the Kruger Park this morning.

His dad had to take him this morning as my parents left yesterday.  He was not impressed, but he has done it for his sister's kids, taking them all the way to Pietersburg, so I felt he could do it for his own child, because we could not change his party and my parents had to leave yesterday as they had booked from yesterday.

Mark got back about 20 minutes ago.  I never went with, I stayed home in case it took longer and we were worried about Miss Piggy being at home and falling in the pool and she could not be locked in the house the whole day. They left at 5 this morning and he got back just after 3.30 this afternoon so it was not that bad.  He probably raced, so it would have taken longer if i went with, because I do not tolerate speeding.
Chad skyped me just now, but the connection was bad so we did not talk for long. They are not back at the camp yet and he left his phone in the car, so we have to phone him on my parents' phones if we want to chat.  He is such a scatter brain and he wanted to take photos to send to us.
He has our camera, but does not have the connection to download onto his lap top. He cant be too pleased about that.
I will just have to stay connected all the time so that he can contact me.
well that's all for today.
From a very sleepy & tired blogger.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

After The Birthday

Well my babes, enjoyed his birthday, was nothing like last year.  In the morning he had a bit of a wobbly.  He went to bed after 11.  Kept making excuses about not being able to sleep.  He gets so excited when it is his birthday.  He always has, but then on his birthday he is tired and miserable.

Well he woke up at 5, perhaps even before 5, which is two hours earlier than he normally does, so by the time 7 came around and getting ready for school, he was tired and irritated and after a wobbly and a bit of ungratefulness and cheek towards me, I reminded him that he is now a teenager and not a little boy anymore and he knows or should know right from wrong by now and if he ruins his birthday by behaving badly, I will not tolerate it and feel bad or guilty and he has himself to blame.
He apologised and we had a lovely day. There were moments in the afternoon when his face clouded over and you could see the sadness, which he tried to hide, but as his mom, I could see he was really missing his brother and was very sad.  I just left it as he knows if he wants to talk, I am there for him.

He loved his presents.  A scale electric set with extra cars and a DVD writer for his little Acer Net Book.  His grandparents, my parents came around in the evening and gave him a lovely book called Southern Africa Spectacular World of Wild Life. He is going with them to the Kruger National Park on Sunday for a few days so he can take the book with and read about all the animals he sees.  Hopefully they will see a lot of animals.
They are staying at Pretoriuskop and are caravaning. He is looking forward to it, as he has never stayed at the Kruger Park, but has bee there just for day visits when we have stayed in Sabie and White River.  I am going to really miss him.  The only problem is that we are taking him out of school and exams start next week on Friday, such a stupid day to start exams.

Today is a school holiday -   Ascension Day - he goes to a private Christian school so the principal closed school today.  He has a friend over and they are playing with his scale electric and he is meant to be going over his Afrikaans to see if there is stuff he does not understand.  We will have to do it this afternoon

All photos have been taken from the Pretoriuskop Official Web Site. A visit to South Africa is not complete without a visit to the Kruger National Park

Off to the shops now to buy the boys lunch, then need to get some work done.

Bye For Today

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Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Its My Baby's Birthday Tomorrow

I cannot believe it my baby will be thirteen tomorrow.  Seems like just yesterday that he was born and life was so simple and full of joy. Now his birthday is bitter sweet and filled with sadness, because his brother is not here to spend it with him.
He always gets so excited leading up to his birthday, then on the day he gets so angry with everyone.  I am sure he feels very guilty about celebrating and being happy and excited and of course the sadness is always there.

My Birthday!

As hard as I try to make it happy and special, his own feelings just take over on the day and it turns out to be miserable.  I am just hoping tomorrow will be different, because last year was just so terrible.
He was rude to everyone who said happy birthday, he fought and shouted at all of us and in the end he really tried my patience and I had to discipline him and correct his bad ways and put the heartache aside.
Strangely, it is only his actual birthday that he is angry, but not on the day he has his party.
This year he is having his party at Randburg Raceway - indoor go-carting and he is really looking forward to it.
Well now I am off to go buy cake and sweets for school and to get a card and wrapping paper.  His dad has bought his birthday present already.  
Till another day

Friday, 7 May 2010

Chuckle For The Girls



1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
10.. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Send this to 5 Bright Women to make their day!

Pass it on to a few "good men" too!!

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Weight Loss, Health, Inspiration.............Or Not

Well what do you know.  We woke up to another dreary morning today. No rain, but dark and misty. The skies and whole atmosphere was just full of unfallen rain.  The later it got, the heavy the mist.  Driving was a nightmare. You could barely see your hand in front of your face, yet cars were flying at high speeds, no lights on and jumping lights, driving on the wrong side of the road - welcome to Joburg.  Gauteng Province is not known as Gangster's Paradise for nothing, only problem is that it is generally the people who whinge most about crime that are the ones that are criminals on the road.  I have blogged about this before and will probably blog about it a million times over - it is my true bug bear.

Weather Forcast

Well other than being hectic on the roads, the mist was a good sign, because it hopefully meant the sun was trying to dry up all the rain and it did.  After trying and trying to peek through the mist and clouds all morning, around midday it suddenly shown bright and is still shining. Oh sun please stay we love you.

After a whole day of rain yesterday, hard rain, soft rain drizzle, rumbling skies, I think we have had enough rain for awhile now and we need the sun. There is still quite a nip in the air, but at least it is not icy wet cold.

The news is full of reports on the murder of another very controversial man who was murdered last night. Lolly Jackson the owner of a group of strip clubs.  This time the murderer was known to the victim and it was alledgedly over finances but murder is murder and a tragedy for his family and friends.  Always in the news over some controversial issue we would not expect anything less about his death, but very sad for his family, listening to the bad reports at a time like this. Latest News24 Report
I got a bit side tracked when I started this blog it was meant to be about my weight and health issues.  Over the weekend a came across a blog called Pink Passion Flower. I hope the author does not mind me putting the link here, but it is such an inspiring blog that I felt compelled to share it. I actually read about it in a letter a reader sent to the You magazine who was also so inspired by it. So I googled it on Saturday and then read it on my blackberry from start to finish and am so sorry I did not find it when she first started the blog.

It got me thinking about my relationship with food, which would really take more than a blog to fill, but besides my weight issues a lot of the other health issues she mentioned in her blog, I suffer with as well. I just don't have the will power to do something about it. When I read the letter in the You magazine, I was intrigued about eating raw foods and losing weight.  Thinking that must be easy, but after reading the whole blog, I realised it is not as easy as the sound of raw food.
I have put on so much weight over the past 3 years especially the last year and I am so unfit, but everyday, I say tomorrow I will start excercising and eating healthily, but tomorrow never comes.  I get so angry with myself for being such a procrastinator and dreamer yet still don't do anything about it.


I wake up with pains in my feet and it takes quite awhile before they go away and I stop walking like a cripple.  I have tired, lethargic out of breath.  My tummy is always bloated, Isuffer from severe heartburn and pains under my diaphram and yet I do nothing about it.  I have been tested for hypothyroidism twice, both times the results were negative, so by now I should know it is just bad eating habits and lack of excercise that makes me this way.

I have always had a weight problem and yes you could say an eating disorder.  I don't know what category it would fall under, but my weight yoyo's from very thin to very overweight and right now it is at its worst.  I once went on a diet, supervised by a medical doctor, part of the diet was APL the infertility injection and thyroid tablets, I cannot remember the name of the tablets, but the weight just fell off and I was skinny skinny after only two months.
After I had Chad, I asked my GP if he would prescribe the thyroid tablets and the slimming pills I had previously and he said that was the most dangerous diet anyone could go on and when I turn 40 I would not be able to lose weight, because the thyroid medication messes up your thyroid and it only manifests itself when you are forty. Hence the reason why I keep believing I have a thyroid problem.
Just before my Clint died, I went on a diet and lost a couple of kilo's.  I wanted to be skinny and look good for his matric dance. The parents were invited for coctails on the night of the matric dance and kids, I thinkespecially boys, like it if their parents look good.  Well that night never happened and during the week that he died and the funeral, I think I lost ten kilos. Food was the last thing on my mind.  People brought meals for us, but some days we did not even realise that we had not eaten, then on the day of the funeral when everyone left, I just ate and ate and ate.

I have not stopped eating since then. Mark does not know how to deal with emotions and tears, so he would come home with chips, sweets and biscuits to try and comfort me. He shows love with material things.  I would stand in the ktchen and then realise I had eaten I whole bag of chips, not the little bags, but a 125g bag and not even know I had been eating.
Winter came and I lived in track suits. I hated getting out of bed so it was easier to crawl into a track suit - I had to get dressed and live for my little one.  I grew into the track suits and straight out of them into a bigger size and out of them. I aged over night and had no interest in what I looked like. I found all of that all so superficial. 

I know a lot of my aches and pains and health issues and the fact that I have aged beyond my years is due to my grief and nothing will take away the ravages of what my son's death has done to me, but there are days when I think of how my younger son must feel having a mom that is unhealthy overweight and old. Especially seeing that I was in my thirties when I had him, so already that makes me older than a lot of the moms, but before it did not worry me, most people thought I was 10 years younger. They probably thought I had my first child at a young age, now I look ten years older than I am and there is nothing I can do about it. I was also young at heart and now my heart is very old.

I have come to realise that I am going to live and have not died and I need to do something about my weigh and fitness.  I just wish I could find the motivation to do it. Pink Passion Flower's blog gave me the motivation over the weekend and I thought I would start n Monday, but the day was cold and bleak, I was sad and heartbroken and then after school we went to Woolworths and ended up buying deserts and choc chip muffins and again today we ended up buying cup cakes.
It is so much easier to say yes to nice goodies than yes to healthy foods.

Well lets see what tomorrow brings

Lofty Dreams

Monday, 3 May 2010

Fast and The Furious 4

Last night Fast & Furious was on MNet. I wasn't going to watch it because I don't enjoy fast car action movies, then I saw Vin Diesel & Paul Walker were in it and decided to watch it.  I just love Vin Diesel and Paul Walker and watch all movies they are in, even though they are fast paced, far fetched action movies.
Vin Diesel is just so hot he makes any movie worthwhile watching. He is Vin Diesel to me in all his movies and I never even notice the name of the character he is playing.  Although saying that the name Dom suits him - its a hot sexy strong name.  The name Dominic is not a strong man name, but Dom is a totally other story.

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I watched the movie with a very heavy heart, because Clint loved fast car action movies and watched Fast & Furious  a thousand times.  It has an age restriction of 16, but I allowed him to watch it when it came out on DVD when he was 14, because he never saw the violence etc, it was just all about the cars and the nos and the everything else to do with fast cars.
Near the end I started to cry, when Brian, played by Paul Walker crashed his car and Vin Diesel got to him and he said to Vin that he would have beat him in the race if Vin had not cheated and just wanted Vin to confirm it. I thought he was about to die, which obviously that is what we were meant to think. I just started to sob, because of Clint and the look on Brian's face.  His smile reminded me so much of Clinty, there was a certain smile he had, a mischievous smile that was exactly the same as Paul Walkers.  Not all his smiles, he had different smiles, his facial expressions, eyes and smiles said a million words.

Mark & Chad could not understand how I could be crying after an action movie, they just don't understand that everything in life is a reminder of what I no longer have.
In my opinion with all the action and violence, it is actually sad as well.  After all Vin still carries a torch for the love of his life Letty and is after Letty's murderer and his grief is so apparent throughout the movies.

This morning I woke up tired and with a heavy heart, after making Chad's school lunch, having my morning coffee and starting a load of laundry, I climbed in the shower and when I finished, I heard sounds of rain. It is dark in the mornings when I wake up at 5.30 so I did not think anything of the dark skies. Well today the skies feel like I do. Dark depressed and full of overflowing tears.

This rain is really getting to me.  I am sure it is not supposed to rain so much in April and we are already in May.  We normally have dry Autumns and Winters, but our climate is really changing.

That's all for today. We have a power failure, just happened which could go on for hours and I don't have solar in my office so need to save my battery for work later on. Right now I am going to continue with my filing.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Add, Delete, Move, Change

Yes that is me.  Always changing, moving, adding and deleting blogs, people and posts.

Today, I spent the whole day moving my blog and adding and deleting gadgets.  I apologise to all the people I follow, I really don't mean to confuse or inconvenience anyone. I just wanted to simplify things for myself by having everything under one name.

Hopefully from now on my blog will stay here and instead of spending time moving and recreating I will have time to update posts myspace graphic comments
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