Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Weight Loss, Health, Inspiration.............Or Not

Well what do you know.  We woke up to another dreary morning today. No rain, but dark and misty. The skies and whole atmosphere was just full of unfallen rain.  The later it got, the heavy the mist.  Driving was a nightmare. You could barely see your hand in front of your face, yet cars were flying at high speeds, no lights on and jumping lights, driving on the wrong side of the road - welcome to Joburg.  Gauteng Province is not known as Gangster's Paradise for nothing, only problem is that it is generally the people who whinge most about crime that are the ones that are criminals on the road.  I have blogged about this before and will probably blog about it a million times over - it is my true bug bear.

Weather Forcast

Well other than being hectic on the roads, the mist was a good sign, because it hopefully meant the sun was trying to dry up all the rain and it did.  After trying and trying to peek through the mist and clouds all morning, around midday it suddenly shown bright and is still shining. Oh sun please stay we love you.

After a whole day of rain yesterday, hard rain, soft rain drizzle, rumbling skies, I think we have had enough rain for awhile now and we need the sun. There is still quite a nip in the air, but at least it is not icy wet cold.

The news is full of reports on the murder of another very controversial man who was murdered last night. Lolly Jackson the owner of a group of strip clubs.  This time the murderer was known to the victim and it was alledgedly over finances but murder is murder and a tragedy for his family and friends.  Always in the news over some controversial issue we would not expect anything less about his death, but very sad for his family, listening to the bad reports at a time like this. Latest News24 Report
I got a bit side tracked when I started this blog it was meant to be about my weight and health issues.  Over the weekend a came across a blog called Pink Passion Flower. I hope the author does not mind me putting the link here, but it is such an inspiring blog that I felt compelled to share it. I actually read about it in a letter a reader sent to the You magazine who was also so inspired by it. So I googled it on Saturday and then read it on my blackberry from start to finish and am so sorry I did not find it when she first started the blog.

It got me thinking about my relationship with food, which would really take more than a blog to fill, but besides my weight issues a lot of the other health issues she mentioned in her blog, I suffer with as well. I just don't have the will power to do something about it. When I read the letter in the You magazine, I was intrigued about eating raw foods and losing weight.  Thinking that must be easy, but after reading the whole blog, I realised it is not as easy as the sound of raw food.
I have put on so much weight over the past 3 years especially the last year and I am so unfit, but everyday, I say tomorrow I will start excercising and eating healthily, but tomorrow never comes.  I get so angry with myself for being such a procrastinator and dreamer yet still don't do anything about it.


I wake up with pains in my feet and it takes quite awhile before they go away and I stop walking like a cripple.  I have tired, lethargic out of breath.  My tummy is always bloated, Isuffer from severe heartburn and pains under my diaphram and yet I do nothing about it.  I have been tested for hypothyroidism twice, both times the results were negative, so by now I should know it is just bad eating habits and lack of excercise that makes me this way.

I have always had a weight problem and yes you could say an eating disorder.  I don't know what category it would fall under, but my weight yoyo's from very thin to very overweight and right now it is at its worst.  I once went on a diet, supervised by a medical doctor, part of the diet was APL the infertility injection and thyroid tablets, I cannot remember the name of the tablets, but the weight just fell off and I was skinny skinny after only two months.
After I had Chad, I asked my GP if he would prescribe the thyroid tablets and the slimming pills I had previously and he said that was the most dangerous diet anyone could go on and when I turn 40 I would not be able to lose weight, because the thyroid medication messes up your thyroid and it only manifests itself when you are forty. Hence the reason why I keep believing I have a thyroid problem.
Just before my Clint died, I went on a diet and lost a couple of kilo's.  I wanted to be skinny and look good for his matric dance. The parents were invited for coctails on the night of the matric dance and kids, I thinkespecially boys, like it if their parents look good.  Well that night never happened and during the week that he died and the funeral, I think I lost ten kilos. Food was the last thing on my mind.  People brought meals for us, but some days we did not even realise that we had not eaten, then on the day of the funeral when everyone left, I just ate and ate and ate.

I have not stopped eating since then. Mark does not know how to deal with emotions and tears, so he would come home with chips, sweets and biscuits to try and comfort me. He shows love with material things.  I would stand in the ktchen and then realise I had eaten I whole bag of chips, not the little bags, but a 125g bag and not even know I had been eating.
Winter came and I lived in track suits. I hated getting out of bed so it was easier to crawl into a track suit - I had to get dressed and live for my little one.  I grew into the track suits and straight out of them into a bigger size and out of them. I aged over night and had no interest in what I looked like. I found all of that all so superficial. 

I know a lot of my aches and pains and health issues and the fact that I have aged beyond my years is due to my grief and nothing will take away the ravages of what my son's death has done to me, but there are days when I think of how my younger son must feel having a mom that is unhealthy overweight and old. Especially seeing that I was in my thirties when I had him, so already that makes me older than a lot of the moms, but before it did not worry me, most people thought I was 10 years younger. They probably thought I had my first child at a young age, now I look ten years older than I am and there is nothing I can do about it. I was also young at heart and now my heart is very old.

I have come to realise that I am going to live and have not died and I need to do something about my weigh and fitness.  I just wish I could find the motivation to do it. Pink Passion Flower's blog gave me the motivation over the weekend and I thought I would start n Monday, but the day was cold and bleak, I was sad and heartbroken and then after school we went to Woolworths and ended up buying deserts and choc chip muffins and again today we ended up buying cup cakes.
It is so much easier to say yes to nice goodies than yes to healthy foods.

Well lets see what tomorrow brings

Lofty Dreams

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