Saturday, 10 September 2011

Clinton's Page

It is Saturday morning, 09h30 to be precise and today is the day that I am going to be updating Clinton's page. Yes, I know it should have been the very first page that I did and I feel very strongly about that.  As strongly as I feel guilty for not doing it.  My blog is about 18 months old and admittedly for exactly a year I did not blog at all and made my blog redundant so to speak, but still I have had a year and a half to do Clinty's page, but chose not to.

The reason and excuse is for me, very valid.  In most cases excuses are just that excuses and never condone the action, BUT, I just cannot bring myself to do Clinty's page.  The heartache and agony to do it is just too much. Last week I decided to start my blog again, because I wanted to do Clint's page and all I have done is add gadgets, change the design and settings, update everything else, except his page.

In my defense I added a slide show dedicated to him, added a photo on my home page, but that is all. Then the other day I went onto the Face Book Group I started in Memory of him on the first anniversary of his death and there was a message on Face Book stating that all groups will be archived unless Face Book has felt the group warrants being moved to the new format.  Well Clint's Group is going to be archived, because it is no longer updated.

I don't go on the group and neither does anyone else, however, I will not allow Clinton's memory to be archived.  That is just another thing that has been taken away from me against my wishes, without giving me the choice.  For me Face Book is so last season, so fake so hypocritical.  People will be your friend on Face Book, but will walk past you in real life and not even know who you are. People add friends onto Face Book to appear popular and to brag about their lives, usually very superficial lives anyway.

I deleted everyone off Face Book a long time ago. One night we went out to dinner, it was on Chad's birthday in fact, in 2009. whilst we were sitting having dinner, a whole bunch of kids walked past and they were kids who were in Clinton's class and who added me as a friend on Face Book. Well they looked straight through us, did not know who we are or perhaps did not care and that was the day I decided to delete them all off my page. You don't know me so really why should I be used to add to your superficial "I am so popular" list. Since then I have deleted everyone else and only have Pages on my profile.  Pages that I am interested in and like to keep up to date about their activities, events etc.

Clinton's memorial group is for me to express myself about my grief and is not there to impress anyone, garner sympathy or whatever else people may use it for.  The fact that Face Book has now made the choice for me to archive it really angers me so I have decided to move everything from there onto my blog and delete it off Face Book completely and it will remain here as part of my journey. The fact that no one goes on that page means nothing and I often wonder how many people actually remember Clinton and who even think about him.  They have all moved on and not all have actually moved on to better things in life or have even achieved anything in life.

The other day I was looking for a document on my computer and found something written by one of Clint's friends. I had found it totally by luck; mistake, I don't really know what word to use here.  I found a Face Book Group someone had started for Clint.  I have no idea who did it, because it had no admin name in the group. Well I looked through the group, never joined it because I had my own group, but I found the most heart wrenching "letter" to Clint, written by his friend Matt.  I must have copied it and saved it, forgotten about it, then found it again on Thursday and reading it made me cry. I am going to add it on Clint's page and over here in this post. I am also going to copy and paste other comments from the group I started and put them on Clint's page.

Here is the letter from Matt to Clint. (unedited - left just like he wrote it)

"I knew...
I knew we wouldnt survive without you. it's been nearly a year now. You were one of my best and only friends, the four of us were ment to conquor worlds together. Why did this happen to you? Sometimes i stop outside brandcliff, but never enter. waiting at the gates after hours, driving buy slowly waiting for the guys to jump into my car like we used to, on our random adventures...
but there are no more guys, we lost sight of our destenation when you left us and trailed so far off that we can no longer find each other. What must we do Clint, Im so lost. iv been so angry and so fustraited with you for so long. Im sorry dude, I never gave you a good bye, but i never will. i will wait at those gates till we all walk out together again, till the worlds are our play peens and everyone else is just visiting. I miss you so much...
I got a B for art and english, ha, pretty good hey? but i got a double G for maths :) Im studing film now, Callum is studying animation, we no longer...

...Talk, Cullen is studying to be the next indian jones havnt seen him since my last exam. I am studing film, it keeps my mind off things but im not really intrested, i work hard though cause its costing my dad his left nut to keep me there, Oh yeah my mom and dad are back together, i had something of a break down just befor my grandad died and they got back together Which is pretty cool, we also got a new dog namesd Missy, adobted her from her abusive owners, I cant my nephew is starting to talk, Clare and i are still together, And so is Roxy and Callum. Remeber the gaming i used to go on about??? well i talk to it more so when you left, i know im a nerd, but you'll be happy to hear that a have now fallen under the classifacation of a pro, im in the 10th best clan in SA and we are still new, and i am one of SA's best demomen, haha, its a class in the game.Damnit i wish you were here. Iv made some new friends but they come and go in the breeze, i mostly stay in isolation in front of my

crappy PC where im happiest. Cant you help but think what could've been... what should've been? I lay in bed at nights sometimes, when i cant sleep, imagining thses childish worlds, fulled with adventure and danger wishing I was someone else, somewhere else. Clare keeps saying ive fallen into depretion because i drift off so often but she dosnt under stand the places and worlds we can create. I dont have to smile to be happy.........
Why arnt you here, keeping us together

The world dosnt seem darker, or worse... just slower somehow, i watch amovie the other day, the bridge to taribithia, its a famly movie but one of the sickest things iv ever sat through, I hope your having fun and causing trouble where ever you are, sorry but you know i dont believe in heaven or hell. I dont even know if i spellt it correctly... Hope ill see my destenation and get back on track soon, always thinking of you. love ya."

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