Wednesday, 30 November 2011

For My Dear Friend Jen

This post is dedicated to my dear friend Jen, who just like me has to endure the pain and tragedy of not celebrating her son's 22nd birthday this year. Today, the 30th of November should be celebrated with joy and happiness, instead for her it will be a day of pain, tears and sadness.

Her son also died as a result of a motorbike accident, also not his fault, also by someone who did not pay the price for causing the death of a wonderful young boy and ending all of his and his family's dreams and goals. A young boy or man actually, in his final year at school, doing his matric, but never got to achieve that, because of someone who has no respect for the laws of the road and no respect for life. He died a year after Clint. Two young boys, just becoming young men, about to start a new wonderful chapter in their lives, but never got to live their dreams. Born the same year as Clint, but died a year later.

Jen is the only person I know, who knows what life is like now. She does not imagine or think of what it is like, she knows, she lives through it everyday. When she tells me she is thinking about me on Clint's birthday, then I know it is genuine and she feels what I am feeling, as I do when I think of her on her son's birthday. It is not just empty words, something someone thought they would say, because they feel that they have to say or because they don't know what to say and yes there are people that do say it with very little meaning to it. Unfortunately there are those people and you learn to live with it and ignore it.

So Jen, with this candle I am sending you all the love and light to remember your Rus.
May all the happy memories be with you on this day filled with sadness and tears.
May his memory and love shine brightly within you today and every other day
May his memory be honored and always be remembered and bring a tiny bit of joy to you today.
May you get through today as best you can!!!

burning candle Pictures, Images and Photos

Your Friend

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Home Alone

Yep and that means pajama day. Mark and Chad have gone down to Ballito to take scooters down to the shop they are opening down there. Whenever they go away and I am alone at home, Saturdays end up being PJ day. I stay in bed the whole day!! I make all these plans to get things done that I don't normally do, like today I was meant to catch up with all my filing, but that never happened. The day just goes so fast that when I next look at the time, it is passed lunch time so why bother to get dressed.

Shame they really had a rough night and trip down to Ballito. Mark took so many scooters down to start stocking up the showroom. The bakkie (LDV) was packed and he had a trailer packed with scooters and bikes. His trailer is still in Ballito, it was left there when Keith had to bring back one of the beach buggies, so Mark used his cousin's trailer and the wheel bearing seized at midnight as they were leaving one of the Ultra Cities, were they stopped to fuel up. Fortunately it was there and not on some deserted stretch of the highway. Mark looked in his side mirror and saw the wheel was not right and stopped. I don't know the whole story, just what Chad told me. He told me a whole long story, but never told me everything. If that makes sense! You have to know Chad to know what I am getting at :)

Mark was not going to go with, Keith normally does the trips down to the coast these days, but Mark decided to go with, because it was a lot of stock going down. I threw an almost tantrum, because I really did not want them going and leaving me alone at home, because I am feeling ill still and last weekend I was alone in hospital. We also need to bath the dogs and I just cannot bath four of them myself. Pluto and Jingles are fine, but Piggy is so heavy to lift in and out the bath, especially when her coat is water logged and Spike misbehaves when I bath him.  When Mark baths him, he says jump and Spike hops in the bath, when I bath him, I have to coax, lift and force him in and then battle to keep him in. I am just not taking the chance to lift one of them and tear open my wound. Strangely, it is on my neck and you would not think that using your arm would pull on it, but it does. Even working on my PC the whole day yesterday, battling to get my Vat recon done and the Vat paid before 16h00 took a lot of strain on the wound and my neck.

So I had my little almost tantrum about Mark going with and then he said he won't go and I said he better go, because if something goes wrong and anything happens to the scooters he will have lost that money - oh and it would be my fault. Wow I am so glad that he did go. Imagine Keith breaking down on his own with all that stock and he might not have noticed anything wrong with the trailer. Mark is very vigilant and alert when he travels long distance. This is not the first time he has had a trailer wheel bearing seize on a long trip. He rented a trailer to take a tractor to Bella Bella (Warm Baths) that is another story for another time. He looked in the review mirror and saw sparks flying in the road and the wheel had siezed. That time it happened on the side of the road, just near the Toll Booth. Strangely, Gavin said he must take a spare wheel with, because the trailer does not have one, in case they have a flat and breakdown on the side of the road. OK the spare wheel did not help, but was all this a premonition of doom and gloom. Chad also could not make up his mind whether to go or stay and changed his mind about 100 times and finally decided ten minutes before they left that he was going to go. They left just after Isidingo started, so it was about 19h40 when they left. Not a good time to leave for the coast. They were going to leave at 2am, but then decided to have an early start.

They ended up sleeping at Ultra City where the truckers park and sleep. I spoke to them just after 23h00 and they had 200km's still to go. I was tired and told them I was going to sleep. I just could not stay awake any longer. Shame and not even an hour later they broke down. Chad and Mark drove around Escourt, a tiny little town at 5am looking for a place to have the wheel bearing fixed. Well they had to buy bearings, but some part needed engineering work done to it. I have no idea what that involved - I am clueless!! I may have been working for a mechanical workshop for more than ten years, but I still don't have any knowledge of working parts of a car/trailer/bakkie.

Chad says everyone in Escourt works for Nestle and everyone was still drunk this morning. Life in a small town!!!!. One man they stopped to ask where they could have the wheel sorted said I have to get to work at Nestle and I am still drunk so I can't talk to you. Can you imagine, Chad thought that was hilariously weird. They left Keith at Ultra City with the trailer and scooters whilst they went hunting for a bearing place or garage. They eventually found one, but then had to wait for some man who could only get there at 8 to do the engineering work on it. Oh and guess what, Mark the mechanic, had no tools with him. Story of his life!! He never takes tools with, so he had to buy a small tool set, because he needed a spanner for the wheel or bearing.

The finally left the Ultra City at about 11 am and continued their trip. They arrived at about 13h00. Mark was supposed to phone as soon as he arrived, but never did as usual and Chad phoned me at about 14h00, to fill me in. At least they are safe and arrived with no further mishap. Now the trip back tomorrow and they have to bring both trailers back. This long distance business thing of Mark's is getting a bit too stressful and never mind the added expense. Is it worth it??? I don't really think so!!!

My face is still swollen and sore. I finally felt the stitches in my cheek. I don't know why I have not noticed them before, but they are dam sore. Well the area around the stitches is sore. My ear is also still sore. I am sure I have damaged something inside my ear. It is very painful and gets so itchy. I am hoping that it being itchy means it is healing. My chin and lower part of my cheek is also very numb, but sore. Doesn't make sense at all!!!

Well that is my Saturday. Going to go have a sleep now or try and sleep. I tried all morning to no avail.

Friday, 25 November 2011

YAY School Is Out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes!! the school year is over finally and at last. We made it through the first year of high school, now the wait for the results!! We can only collect the reports on the 7th or 10th of December, I need to double check the date on old newsletters. All we need is to forget to go and fetch his report. The wait and suspense is rather hectic, for me that is. Chad doesn't seem to have a care in the world. I hope he passed and if I go according to his "I owned that exam" everyday then I think we OK. The only exam he found very difficult was Natural Science and he failed this term's class mark for it, but the teacher told him the other day that he did very well in his exam, she was pleasantly surprised at his mark. She did not give him the mark, but said it was above 50%. Only 3 children in his class passed the Science exam, so he is very chuffed with himself and I am very proud and relieved. Now the start of the two month holiday begins, well it began at 09h15 this morning. His last exam Life Orientation was only an hour long, so he just arrived at school and then it was time to go home. He said the LO exam was very easy and Mrs K also told them it would be very easy, they just had to read over their work once.

Spike was very happy that I took Chad to school this morning. When I arrived at home after dropping Chad off at school, he never even waited for me to say "come play", he went hunting for his toy, found a broken one and went dashing into the back so we could play. I really did not feel like playing, but put in a half- hearted effort just to please the poor boy. He missed our morning games this week. I was so scared the wound would rip open whilst he was pulling and tugging. He loves grabbing his toy and I have to hold on and play tug-of-war with him, but I could feel it pulling on my wound so stopped doing that.

I was amazed this morning after I took the dressing off and had a shower, the wound has healed so nicely, even Mark was shocked, from that gaping wound on Sunday to almost completely closed now, just a tiny bit at the end is still open and it is still oozing, but that is to be expected. I just hope the inside is healing just as nicely, because I am still feeling ill. After fetching Chad from school, we went to Northgate to sort out his bank account and to Hypermarket to buy a couple of things and when we got home I felt light headed, in pain and terrible actually. I had to have a lie down and take pain pills. I am hoping I feel much better tomorrow as I need to get back to work.

We have had so much rain again, it bucketed down yesterday and again today, the pool is flooded, the pond is flooded and the garden is just one big muddy mess, especially the area where Spike and Miss Piggy play, the grass has always been terrible in that area, it is more weeds than grass and with two hooligans racing up and down what grass there was has now gone and with the rain there is mud. Now they go slip sliding in the mud!! They have to be bathed this weekend, so I have to feel better. Last weekend they missed out on their bath, because of being sick and in hospital and now they desperately need a bath.

Well that's all


Thursday, 24 November 2011

Battered and Bruised

What a storm yesterday!!! As usual, our gardener had not even left for the day, after doing the garden, raking up leaves, sweeping the driveway and cleaning everywhere else when out of nowhere this massive storm came. I was feeling very tired and weak and went to go and have a sleep at around 3pm. The weather was overcast and dull and grey for most of the day, the sun peeking through every now and again. Not the type of weather where you would expect a hectic rainstorm.

Anyway I had just fallen asleep when I was rudely awoken by this loud crackle of thunder and it was pitch black outside. I thought for a minute that at long last I had finally had a good deep much needed sleep. No such luck there as it was only 15h30. I called to Chad to tell Rabie, the gardener to quickly pack up and go before the storm starts, because he comes to work on a bicycle and lives pretty far from our house. He was not even out the gate when the heavens opened and the rain came gushing down and the next thing, hailstones came pelting down the size of golf balls. All the windows and doors were open and Chad and I had to run around closing all of them. Poor Chad had to run outside to close the office door and the outside room's door, which Sheila left open in her rush to leave before it started raining. The hail just came flying in all directions and all the floors were sopping wet.  Needless to say the garden looks all battered and bruised just like my face and you would not say that the garden had just been tidied and cleaned up and the house looked just as bad with the dogs all worked up, some scared, some excited by this new game of icy cold balls flying into the kitchen.

After the rain had stopped, Chad went outside with Miss Piggy and Spike and she was in her element, running on the cold hailstones. Her first real hailstorm!! It pelted down with rain again last night when Mark came home from work and during the night it also rained hard almost right through the night. So much for the dry summer, the weather bureau has predicted for this summer. Today is dull and grey and can't seem to make up its mind whether to rain or be sunny.

As for my battered and bruised face, it seems that is here to stay!! What I would do for a snickers bar, my favourite chocolate of all chocolates. Shame I think Mark also thought my swelling would be down after the surgery and that I would be able to eat normally again and that when they came to visit on Sunday, they would find me looking like my normal self, because other than the nighties and halls and sucking sweets that he brought me, he also brought me a snickers bar, but there is just no way that I can even attempt to eat it. At least the wish on the card they bought me came true and I never stayed in hospital for as long as we were initially told I would be staying and my stay was a short one.

I have just come back from my post-op check up and the surgeon asked how I was feeling and I told him much better, except I have a very sore cheek and I must have bitten it at some stage, because it is excruciatingly sore, the only real pain I have now and his reply was "Of course it is sore, I had to cut there". So the tiny cut on my neck is quite deceiving. Apparently it is not just a small surface incision on the skin, but that cut goes through my jaw into my cheek. He removed the drain, which was about 15cm's long!!! I was shocked when he showed me how long it was. I thought it was a tiny little drain, the bit you can see in the picture the nurse took. I have to go back in two weeks to see if there was no further damage caused to my jaw and he said I had nearly lost my whole jaw. How scary is that!!! A little filling coming out leading to all of this. I also have to carry on with salt water mouth washes, three weeks after the mouth wash is finished, because the infection can come back. I also have to force my jaw to open, because it has become stiff. He told me to go and buy lots of toffees to get my jaw working. I promptly told him that I won't be doing that, because the rest of my teeth will come out, after the toffees have ripped my other fillings out. Bad advice from a dental person I would say. He gave me another prescription for pain medication, but I have not filled it yet. I think I have had enough medication for now and am going to try and live with the pain.  He also said that not even morphine would have helped with the pain from an infection that bad, so all those tablets I was taking every couple of hours was just a waste of time.

Hopefully, now that the drain is out and the wound is healing, I will wake up tomorrow and finally feel better and a face no longer swollen and sore. I wanted to go back to work after the doctor's appointment, but Mark would not hear of it. He said I must rather stay at home until I get better. I am working at home, but not for long periods. I rest when I feel tired or when I update my blog :-). What would I do without Mark and Chad who are always there for me and I don't think they know just how much I appreciate and love them. Thanks guys!!!!

That's all for today

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

From Toothache To Almost Tracheotomy

I have had quite a hair raising time since my last blog post. I last posted on Thursday, just before I went to fetch Chad from school and then straight after our trip to our General Practitioner. By the time we arrived at her rooms, I could hardly talk, my mouth opening was a tiny slit and I had a fat double chin, the right hand side looking like it was filled with acorns for my winter stock.

The Doctor, checked Chad's hands and as you know Murphy and his law, Chad's hands were almost perfect. She said it was contact dermatitis and gave him a lotion to put on every night until it clears up and if he gets it again then we must just buy the lotion again.

She noticed as I walked in that I looked very pale then saw my face properly and asked what happened. I told her and she tried to check my throat, but I could not open up my mouth at all.  She said that the Ilosone that the dentist had given me would do nothing for an abscess and that I have now developed facial cellulitis and gave me another antibiotic. I can't remember the name and the pharmacist gave me the generic, because our medical aid only pays for the generic, they never told me it was the generic. I only noticed when I got home.

Chad and I went off to work and as the day went on I just felt worse and worse. Mark and Chad had gone out getting spares and dropping off car papers, running around all over the place and I just sat in the office trying to work, but feeling sicker and sicker by the minute. Eventually Mark took me home. The GP had given me stronger pain tablets and I was taking 2 every hour and they were barely touching the surface of the pain.

By then I could not eat anything. I had a small packet of cheddar biscuits when I got to work, smaller than a packet of 30g chips, right now I can't even think of the name of them, but they are tiny savoury biscuits. They were easy to eat, because they melt in your mouth, although it took about two hours to eat them. As the afternoon progressed it became increasingly more difficult to get these little biscuits between my lower and upper jaw. That was the last that I ate. Sips of water became too much to swallow and burnt my throat. It was like a raging furnace. I smoked, but never inhaled, I mostly let the cigarette burn away, out of habit or frustration or boredom or whatever. The smoke would go as far as my mouth and no further, I could not inhale, but needed that vice, that habit to get me through the pain.

I hardly slept on Thursday night, waking every hour and trying to stretch the pain tablets for another hour to make it at least a two hour break between them. I woke up at 5am and went to the kitchen to do my normal morning thing and struggled. I took the antibiotic, the dose was 750mg daily, which I thought was stupid. Once a day, surely can't make this go away faster. So I swallowed the two tablets, one 250mg and one 500mg and I took an Inter-flora, which the pharmacist advised me to take after all the antibiotics. I made myself coffee and by then I had to sit down at the table.  Nausea, light headed and in pain. I had not even had half my cup of coffee and I was running to the bathroom, throwing up - antibiotics and all. I had to go lie down for awhile and struggled to get ready to take Chad to school and go to work. Eventually, we left for school and I did not go straight to work, because I had to buy cleaning products for Sheila. I went to Spar, bought what she needed and bought myself a Lucozade and Yogi-Sip. As I arrived at home I had to rush to the bathroom and was sick again. Mark told me to stay at home and not come to work so I slept on and off the whole day. I managed to drink the Yogi-Sip through a straw and just had sips of water and Lucozade through out the day. By 5am Saturday morning I had finished the 30 Tramacet my GP gave me for pain. I took the last two at 5am when I took my antibiotic and hoped that I would go back to sleep and wake up healed or almost healed. Mark had checked my face every time I woke up during the night and as hard as it is to believe each time it was slightly more swollen. It never healed after taking the 5am dose and going back to sleep. Mark said I must go to Olivedale Clinic. Whilst I showered and got dressed he went to the bank and then took me through to casualty.

I was so desperate for the pain and uncomfortable swollen face to go away that I was not even anxious about going to hospital or if I was it was hidden below the pain in my ear, throat, face and teeth and jaw. When my GP told me I had cellulitis, I thought it was a skin irritation like eczema or dermatitis and googled it on Friday  afternoon. I was shocked to read that left untreated it can cause, septicemia and meningitis. It is quite serious and nothing like cellulite, which I associated it with. Read more about Facial Cellulitis by Clicking Here

We arrived at Olivedale Casualty and went through the whole process and the nurse who took my details, was this very butch looking aggressive Indian and it was hard to tell whether she was male or female. I have no problem with people being butch or Indian, so my description of her is not meant to offend anyone else, but her. I had a major issue with her attitude and she actually belonged in a seedy night club as a bouncer. She told me that they can't do anything for me, there are no dentists and I must go to a dentist. I told her very nicely that she is not a doctor and I am not concerned about the sore tooth, but about the cellulitis and the secondary infection. She still argued and I asked her if she was a doctor and I asked for her name so I could report her to hospital management. She changed her tune very quickly or more likely she thought she would have the last laugh after I sat there forever and the doctor sent me home.

Well the doctor who I saw eventually, told me I had to be admitted to hospital, because my airway was obstructed and it had affected my swallowing. I really did not want to be admitted. I thought they could give me an injection. She sent me for xrays and said that she would phone the Maxilla Facial Surgeon to see what he says, whilst I am at xray department. The surgeon said I had to be admitted and off I went to the ward.

He came to see me later and asked why I was not referred to him on Thursday or Friday and why did they wait till Saturday and Blah, blah blah. I told him no doctor referred me I just had went to casualty, because I knew it was getting worse and worse and was no longer just a tooth abscess. Theater was booked for 5pm and just before 5, the anesthetist came to see me and Chad and Mark were sitting there when he examined me and he told us that there was a huge possibility that they would have to do a Tracheotomy and that I would spend a night in ICU. I was really upset, but tried to hide it from Chad and Mark. I asked the anesthetist how a sore tooth can end up with a tracheotomy. He said that the infection is blocking my airway and they could not see what was causing my mouth to stay clenched. If it was just through pain it would be fine whilst under anesthetic, but if it was due to swelling they would not be able to intubate me. It was all very scary. He spoke about putting me under then having to bring me out of the anesthetic and then try again. Fortunately, I never went through all that. They gave me gas and next thing I was awake with excruciating pain. Mark and Chad sat outside theater waiting for me and they were relieved when I finally came out. The first thing I did in recovery was feel my neck and when I felt the dressing on my neck, I ask them why I have a dressing there and the anesthetist said it was covering the drain and the cut. I had to know if they did a tracheotomy, although I am sure that I would have known without having to ask.

The staff at Olivedale are always very sweet, but I was in so much pain and so irritated after Mark and Chad left and I just wanted pain medication, but they had to wait for the IV antibiotic to go through first. I thought I would wake up on Sunday morning with no swelling, but I am still swollen and still feel exactly the same as I did when I went in. He removed my wisdom tooth and the tooth next to it with the abscess and drained the abscess in my gland. He said I could go home last night, but as much as I hate hospitals I think I was sent home far too early. My blood pressure on Saturday night was ridiculously high, two hundred and something over something. They took it four times to check if they were reading it correctly. My blood pressure is always 100/70 or 110/80. Once it was 140/100, which was high. So for my blood pressure to be over 200, it was double what it normally is. When I left it was 175/ 140 I think and I doubt that the surgeon ever checked my file to see that my blood pressure was so high. He is a very arrogant man and if I had to have seen him under normal circumstances, I would never have gone back to him or had anything to do with him. I don't know why doctors and dentists think they are gods. I had a lovely physio who came to do laser therapy on me and her and the nursing staff were shocked when he said I could go home. He had a conference today and I am sure that is why he said I must go home, because he obviously cleared his hospital patients and appointments for the weekend and for today and my emergency messed up his plans so he sent me home.

The good thing that came out of being sick and in hospital is that I never had a single cigarette from when i left home on Saturday at about 10h30 until I got home on Sunday night at 19h30. It was quite a miracle, I craved a smoke every now again, but it lasted only a couple of minutes. Mark and Chad could not believe it. Mark even brought my carton of cigarettes to the hospital. He kept telling me that he would walk with me outside to go have a smoke, the only smoking area is way outside the hospital, but I just could not be bothered. Shame he also bought me magazines and new nighties and pajamas and sweets and juices, because the doctor said I would be in hospital until Tuesday.

I really don't think I should have gone home so early. I feel awful and with Chad and the dogs I don't get any rest. Poor Pluto was looking for me everywhere when I was at hospital and slept in Chad's arms. They said he really missed me. Now all the dog's wont leave me alone, which is so sweet, but I just can't have them around me, lifting them up all the time. If it was just Pluto, it would be fine, but all of them trying to lie on me is a bit much.

Mark and Chad have been so sweet and helpful, especially Mark, but now that it is back to work today, he is stressed and busy at work and can't get the fax to work and has sent home stuff for me to fax and I have to do our Vat recon by Friday, so there is no rest for me. I am still only eating soup and Yogi-Sips and I must say I am fed up with just having a liquid diet, and I am back to smoking. They thought I would be able to give up, but it was too short a time. If I stayed in hospital longer I probably would have. I am still not inhaling and am only smoking because I am irritated, stressed and frustrated. My throat is still too sore and my tongue is still swollen and so is my face and glands.

The nurse who changed my dressing yesterday asked me if I had a phone whilst changing my dressing and I could not understand why me phone had to do with my abscess. She wanted to take a photo to show me what the cut looked like. I suppose patients ask them to take photos so she thought I would want one. Well this is what the cut looks like. Such a tiny cut, but a face that looks like a soccer ball - I won't be taking photos of my face anytime soon.

My skin and colouring looks absolutely disgusting eeww!!!!!!!!

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Insanity Knocking At My Door....

Yep, the pain from this tooth abscess is slowly, but surely driving me insane. I am about to hit my head up against the wall, it is just so unbearable. The antibiotics have made no difference and my last dose is at 11am today. I have been taking panamor again, because they are the only pills that seem to help, if I take them with panado. It takes about 30 minutes for the pain to go away, not totally away, but to a dull ache, then an hour later, the pain is back and so intense. All these pain pills are making me feel ill and I feel pretty awful today, weak, lame and sore.

I was meant to have the tooth pulled yesterday, but the dentist phoned and said she has no electricity and has to reschedule to Friday at 14h00. I am so mad. I know it is not her fault that the power is down, I am mad at the universe, at fate, at whoever. actually I am mad at myself for not going to the dentist when my filling came out. I am also mad at the dentist, because I asked her receptionist if she could please fax me a prescription for stronger pain tablets, because the celebrex does absolutely nothing and taking panado and panamor every two hours is not good at all. I try and try to go without pain tablets, but I just can't. The pain is excruciating. I wake up at night gasping for air and choking, with the worst pain you can imagine. I think it is so bad, because there is no end to it. It is just continuous for a week now and nothing relives it. My throat and ear is also excruciatingly sore. The worst is I cannot eat properly and yes that should be great for my weight, but I am eating stuff that does not have to be chewed. Anything that can melt in my mouth or needs no chewing and the only stuff that does not have to be chewed is junk foods, like chips, biscuits and sweets. I have been trying to eat dinner. It takes an hour to eat a small plate of food and it is mostly swallowed whole. Yuck!! I know. I think the abscess has caused an infection in my jaw, as I can't open my mouth wide enough to even get a spoon or fork in it. Who knows how the dentist is going to work in my mouth, which makes me even madder with her, because she just won't fax a prescription. I take back what I said the other day about her being such a nice person.

Anyway, I have made an appointment with my GP for this morning, so she can give me something and probably another antibiotic. I am taking Chad to the GP as well. The skin on his hands is peeling off and not a tiny bit, like dry hands, but all over his hands. I need to find out what could be causing it. We have now forced him to drink water. That child simply refuses to drink water and NEVER drinks water. I have been fighting with him all his life about not drinking water and how dangerous it is, but he gags when I force him to drink it and starts throwing up. He believes he is allergic to water - have you ever???? This week he has had a 500ml bottle of water everyday and we watch him drink it. You would swear I am forcing him to drink caster oil or poison. I have told him about getting diabetes, kidney failure and having dialysis every day for the rest of his life and that you die from kidney failure, but to no avail. For some reason the peeling of the skin on his hands has jolted him a bit and he has had the 500mls. At 14, we should not be fighting with him to drink water - that is just absurd, but what do you do when someone gags and throws up after drinking it. He also perspires terribly, especially on his head and face and I have told him it is because his kidneys work over time from no water in his body. He drinks lots of cold drink and it is really bad for him, but to get Mark to stop buying cold drink is another story. He believes that because he hardly drinks alcohol he can buy cold drinks. Drinking cold drink is better than drinking alcohol - true, but why drink either of it everyday.

And doesn't this picture below just say it all :-D. Someone posted it on Facebook and it really applies to my journal/blog/journey. Now I need to tidy up the house, Sheila is not here today, then it is time to fetch Chad from school, go to the doctor then go to work. I have so much work to do and just don't get it done, now that I am going into work and not working from home. Too many interruptions and doing things I don't normally do. OK and I should not be updating my blog, I know that, I should be working now, but I needed the panando to take effect, because driving Chad to school I was in so much pain. It is actually affecting the way I drive and that is a serious problem for me and a total No-No, which is the reason why I came straight home and made an appointment with the doctor, in the hope that she can give me something that will help the pain, take the abscess away and not make me feel drained and tired. I am a total sleep deprived zombie at the moment and could easily go curl up on the couch and I bet, I would fall into such a deep sleep, just because I can't sleep now, but come tonight I will be wide awake and as soon as I eventually fall asleep, I will be woken to incredible pain or choking or both.
So that's it for today!!
Have a great day,

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Riding The Wave Of Insomnia

Well it's more like a Tsunami now. Believe me, I love my sleep, there is nothing better than sleep in my eyes. I feel no guilt when it comes to sleeping,  no matter what the time of the day or night. To just switch off and go into a deep sleep is pure bliss. It is the cure for almost anything. Whether sleep is filled with nothingness, pleasant dreams or even nightmares, it is just the antidote for all problems. Even bad dreams play a role in curing issues and problems. OK, nightmares are very scary for children, but as an adult they have a place, not matter how bizarre; frightening or weird. It is something in your subconscious that needs to come out.  I am no  expert on sleep; psychology or dreams, that is just how I feel about both good and bad dreams.

Sleeping Tweety Pictures, Images and Photos

My problem is that I cannot get to sleep. I am totally exhausted and cannot keep my eyes open, until I have had a bath and hop into bed. Then sleeping is the furthest thing on my mind. My mind becomes busier than Bree Street Taxi Rank, OK so I have never been to the Bree Street Taxi rank, or anywhere near it, but I know it is a hive of commotion, taxis in and out, up and down, people, noise, shouting and that is my mind. Thoughts shoving through, over taking each other picking up more thoughts, overloading on other thoughts, racing, pushing, screeching to a halt, accelerating, fighting shouting - no rest just up and down, backwards and forwards, from the minute I climb into bed. Then just like the suburban housewife in her little car or maybe her gas guzzler, fighting the taxis, not giving them a gap, pushing through, I fight the thoughts racing around my head, my mind, my brain. Just like the suburban housewife knows or should no, that it is better to let the taxis go on ahead, make their way through the traffic, they play an important role in the community, in the workforce, in the lives of the people, don't fight them let them do their thing, I fight the thoughts, I try stop them, I try to overtake them, force them back in the queue, let them know I was there first and it ends in a fight, a rage of sleep deprivation, anxiety, stress. I know I should let then run their course, they play an important role, so why fight them, but I do.

Last night was no different. I stayed up late, messing around on my blog, I needed to be tired, I needed to hit the pillow and succumb to the pleasant world of sleep, without the rage and the fights. I stayed up until after 11pm, also partly,because I needed to take my antibiotics at 12, so left it until as late as possible. Trying to take antibiotics four times a day, every 6 hours to make them work, is quite a mission. I had a relaxing bath, hopped into bed after 11.30 and what do you know - wide, wide a wake. No different to any other night, plus adding fuel to the fire, was a burning stomach from anti-inflammatory pills, a very painful ear, mouth, jaw, teeth, you name it, it was sore  and no more painkillers, not even a panado in the house and added to that a Lucozade high. I was feeling so drained from the pain, the pills, the sleep deprivation that I drank copious amounts of Lucozade to get through Saturday and Sunday, so sleep was as far off as it could ever be.

Off to the lounge I went, tired, drained and very irritated, but I did not want my tossing and turning to wake Mark, who has also been ill. Sleeping in the lounge is the best cure for insomnia. Falling asleep on the couch is sinful and delightful, you know the pleasantness of Forbidden Fruit. Couches are not for sleeping on, they don't hold that threat of having to sleep, but how quickly does one just curl up on the couch and have the most awesome, deep, restful sleep. So off to the lounge I went. I spent the best part of an hour on my blackberry, catching up on the news, on my twitter timeline, reading blogs and then suddenly got attacked by a ginormous moth. A bit of exaggeration, but when you are sitting in complete darkness, with just the dim light from a blackberry, a moth suddenly flying into you, looks huge and scary. This thing was relentless, the attraction of my little shiny light was all this moth wanted and no amount of shooing would get it to fly away. after flaying my arms and hands, it finally decided this enemy meant business and the tiny light was not worth it and it flew off to hide in the shadows of darkness.

sleeping Pictures, Images and Photos

My eyes eventually could not take the strain of the dim light, tiny words on an electronic device and slowly started to close and sleep came to me, in all its majestic glory. I won't lie and say I had a totally uninterrupted 3 and a half hour sleep. Pluto came to join me in the lounge, he slept on the massage chair, then Miss Piggy came along and hopped on the big couch, her favourite spot, I slept on the smaller couch, less of a threat of sleep and Garfield sat on the table, staring at me whilst I was falling into oblivion. Miss Piggy was snoring and her tummy was making these really obscene rumblings and grumblings and growls. I don't know what she sneakily ate, to cause the noises, because she is only allowed her dog food and nothing else. By then I was so sleepy, that her tummy rumblings and snoring just washed over me. Pain became the interfering busy body, interrupting my welcoming sleep, but the times between waking up in pain were deep and restful.

The noise of my alarm buzzing at 5am was the most unwelcoming sound you could imagine and I was ready to fling it out the window. After a slow start, I finally raised my weary body off the couch and went about my early morning chores. Drinking copious amounts of coffee, dragging dishes to the dishwasher, dragging laundry baskets to the washing machine. How on earth do three people accumulate so much washing in just three days, the one basket filled to the brim and overflowing with just towels. Sorting washing, drinking coffee, collecting cups, smoking, drinking coffee, Monday blues and tripping over piles of laundry all over the kitchen floor, not an exciting start to the day. Well, at least that was all I was tripping on, having finished the Mybulin and the panado and the panamor and the Lucozade, there was nothing else to be tripping on.

So with a swollen face and a tightly clenched, not by choice, jaw,I had to start my day. The pain has not subsided, nor has the swelling and to say I look like a Chipmunk or a squirrel collecting winter nuts would be a compliment. I have a fat face and a disgustingly huge double chin all because living with pain was easier than driving to the dentist.

I will leave the rest of my day for another time, except to say, tomorrow is Social Sciences and it will come as a great surprise if Chad passes it.

Till next time

Monday, 14 November 2011


Once again the sleep, I so badly needed and wanted, never happened. So here I am back on my blog, whilst Chad has his study break, don't tell anyone, but his study breaks are longer than his actual study time :). I decided to share my shortbread baking on my blog.

I usually make shortbread from a recipe on the Maizena* Cornflour box. It is really yummy, melt-in-your-mouth shortbread. I will post the recipe at the end of this post. On Thursday, I quite by accident, found a recipe for chocolate filled shortbread. I was online and clicked on something by mistake and found this recipe. It sounded divine, so I printed it out and baked them yesterday. I am so disappointed in them, I am not sure if I did something wrong, although I doubt it, because I made two batches, completely separately and from scratch and I don't think I am that skilled to make the same mistake twice, exactly the same way. The shortbread was very doughy and whereas shortbread is light and melt-in-your-mouth, this was dry and heavy, very floury too. I have come to the conclusion that the Maizena, was definitely the missing ingredient. Even having the chocolate inside, it still tasted dry and floury. I used Cadbury Topdeck and Cadbury Whole -Nut for the filling, but I think I will stick to my normal recipe and maybe instead of filling the baking tray, then cutting into squares after it has baked, as the recipe states, I will follow the process of the other recipe and put the chocolate in the middle and see how that turns out. You can find the recipe for the Chocolate Filled Short Bread by Clicking Here. I must say mine do look a bit thicker than the picture of the ones on the recipe, that could be the difference, but I somehow don't think so. It should not really affect the taste and covering the chocolate needed that amount of dough covering it. Below is a picture of my attempt at the Chocolate Filled Shortbread.

Shortbread Recipe
(Courtesy of Maizena Cornflour)
225g Maizena Cornflour
225g Flour
110g Castor Sugar
250g Soft Butter

Sift the Maizena and Flour together.
Add the Castor Sugar.
Rub the Butter into the dry ingredients and knead until a a stiff dough is formed.
Press dough into either a 23cm diameter quiche tin or a 20cm by 29cm baking tray.
Mark the slices lightly and prick with a fork.
Bake at 160 degrees Celsius for 1 Hour.
Allow the Shortbread to cool in the baking pan before turning out.
Drench the Shortbread with additional Castor Sugar.

And Enjoy!!!!!

3am Chills

So I have not posted for a few days. Other than being busy with work and Chad and his exams, I have not had time to blog. I also have this huge abscess in my tooth. My filling fell out over a month ago and instead of going to the dentist and getting it fixed, I left it and suffered with slight toothache for weeks, until Monday when it just got worse and worse. I have the most excruciating pain, a fat swollen face and am feeling awful. Mark cannot understand why I always leave my teeth until it gets this bad, because this is not the first time it has happened. A couple of years ago, in fact the year Clint died I got an abscess in my tooth, I went to the dentist, got antibiotics, refused to have root canal therapy and a few months later got another abscess in the same tooth, left it until my whole face was swollen and up until a few months ago I had no feeling across my chin. At the time and for months after that my mouth and lips were also numb. The abscess damaged a nerve, so it felt as though I had local anesthetic permanently. Unfortunately it did not take away the actual pain of the abscess and the toothache. I had what they call referred pain as the pain spread to all my teeth and it was hard to tell which tooth had the problem. The same thing has happened now. Not the numbness, but the referred pain.  On Thursday, I made an appointment with the dentist for Saturday morning and woke up on Friday with a swollen face, terrible earache, sore throat, sore cheek, every tooth in my mouth aching, top and bottom on the right hand side and even a painful eye. I had asked the receptionist when I made the appointment to ask Dr Marikimane for a script for an antibiotic, but there was some confusion about who I was and my file etc, so she did not fax the script. She felt awful when I walked in and saw who I was and what my face looked like. She never remembers me by name and I don't blame her and also don't expect her to remember me, because I don't go there often. When her receptionist told her I needed an antibiotic and they could not find my file she thought I had never been there before. Then I got lost going there. She is in Bryanston and because I hate driving on the highway, I go the back ways and get lost every time. This time I landed up in the middle of Fourways and the traffic was worse than midweek peak hour traffic. The traffic lights were not working at the main intersection going onto and off the highway and I had to cross that intersection.  I was already late and had to phone to say I was lost and is it OK that I am a bit late. She was then convinced that I was a new patient. When I walked in, spoke to the receptionist about the spelling of my name, she walked into the reception, looked at me and said Oh no of course I know you. Then said to her receptionist who is fairly new, I know Dianne very well, we have cried together and shared our secrets. I have spoken to her about Clint and the accident and she has told me about her own personal problems that life threw at her, so it was not just a cover up that she pretended she knew me. At least I have an excuse for leaving my teeth until I can't take it anymore. Living with the pain is better than driving to Bryanston. It might be less than 20 Km's away, but for me it is like leaving the country. I won't go to another dentist closer to home, because I really like her, she is kind and gentle, a very good dentist and always explains what she is doing and why she is doing. She might not remember everyone's name, but she remember's all her patient's stories and takes a personal interest in all her patients. Going to her is not like some dentists, where you are just a number or account that brings in an income, there is no conveyor belt syndrome with her. She gives you her undivided attention and care throughout the procedure.

Since Friday morning I have been taking two Mybulins and 1 panamor every 2 to 2 and a half hours and sometimes 2 panados as the mybulins give me a terrible headache. I have tried not taking anything,  but if I leave it for another 30 minutes the pain gets so bad and I am not  kidding you or being a baby. I have a pretty high pain threshold and whenever I am in pain I think of the pain Clint must have been in and received nothing for pain until he went to theater and because of that I try and ignore whatever pain I have, but this pain has been too unbearable. Mark had a bad throat infection and chest infection and went to the doctor on Tuesday and she gave him a script for the mybulin, which I have now finished. The panamor is for his gout. They are anti-inflammatory pills. Taking the mybulin on its own does not help the pain. I have tried, but I have to take them together. I also tried taking the panamor on its own and nothing happens. Panamor burns my stomach and it feels like the towering inferno and the mybulin are apparently addictive. Well that is what it says on the container. I would hate to be addicted to them, they make me feel awful and I feel sorry for anyone who became addicted to them by accident. I woke up at 3am on Saturday with such pain, I was freezing cold, then boiling hot, sweating profusely, then freezing cold. I eventually went to lie in the lounge after the pills I took did not help. I did not want to wake Mark up with my tossing and turning. I lay in the lounge reading the You magazine and fell asleep at around five, only to be woken up by Mark at 6.30, he thought I was awake and that was the end of my sleep for the morning.
Dentist Pictures, Images and Photos
The dentist has given me antibiotics, I need to take two, four times a day. I am allergic to penicillin, so she had to give me Ilosone, which I just realized I was supposed to take them an hour ago. Better go take them now. She also gave me celebrex, an anti-inflammatory, which does not affect your stomach lining. They haven't helped for the pain, so I am still taking Mybulin and only have two left. You are only meant to take one Celebrex a day, but I have taken two as I can't handle the pain. I feel like a junkie.

On Friday, I had made an appointment to have my hair cut and should have cancelled the appointment. My hair was long overdue for a cut, my fringe was so  long, but the hairdresser has cut my hair too short. It is in a kind of long bob now, just on my shoulders and before that it was quite far down my back. Between the pills and the pain, I was so spaced out that when she asked me how much she must cut off and showed me, I said a bit more and she cut a lot more than a bit more. Now to start the growing process again. I realized after leaving the hairdresser on Friday, that I should not be driving. I really felt spaced out when I was there, so I came straight home, they are only about 3km's away, but still, driving and feeling like that is so wrong. Whilst paying, my card would not work so I tried my credit card, maybe I was putting the wrong pin code in, I don't know, or it was their machine. When I got home I thought I had left my cards behind as they were nowhere in my purse. I phoned them to find out if they had my cards and was dreading having to drive all the way back there, but they said no. I searched and turned both my purse and bag upside down inside out and back to front, got Chad to look and was about to phone back and say they must have them, when I found them in a part of my purse I had never even known was there. AND the purse is about a year old!!! After that I just went to sleep and woke up when the pain started again. The combination of the pain and the pills, plus the lady who washes your hair at the hairdresser massages your head and does such a good job of it, I think I fell asleep whilst still being awake.
Where Is Your Hair Dude?

I had promised Chad that I would bake shortbread yesterday and he wanted to bake a chocolate cake. After their baking classes at school, baking for the old age home last week, he wants to take up Hotel & Catering at school in Grade 10, plus he watches Cake Boss on Discovery Chanel and now wants to be the next Cake Boss. So after getting back from the dentist and the pharmacy I had a sleep then dragged myself to the kitchen and we baked. Something went horribly wrong with his cake. It tasted good, but it never rose at all and crumbled, so we could not ice it and turned it into chocolate Brownies and ate it with custard. My shortbread did not come out too good either. I found a new recipe and between that and the heatwave we are having at the moment and the pain in my ear, throat and mouth, our baking was a disaster.

Oh and not forgetting, I have changed my blog yet again. I felt there were too many pages. Pages that I wanted initially, but I am never going to get them updated and also going back and adding stuff onto the pages    does not seem to work, so I have deleted them and left the important ones. I am never satisfied with what I do or have and the same applies to my blog and not forgetting procrastination is my middle name so nothing gets done. Lets hope my blog format now stays as is and I don't wake up one morning and change it again.

Well I think I need to go and have a sleep. I am so tired and sleepy, but am battling to sleep. My ear is so sore, more than my tooth. It looks like a storm is on its way, which the garden really needs. The heat is killing all our plants.

Have a lovely Sunday

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Birds; Bees & Berry Trees

Yesterday, my poor babes was stung by a bee. He went outside in the early evening, without shoes on, to play with the dogs and stood on a bee, which promptly stung him. I feel so awful, because every time I tell him to go and play with the dogs, because I am either too busy or too tired and just don't have energy to play with them, he gets hurt.  OK, not every time, but it sure is starting to feel like that. First it was Miss Piggy, biting him instead of biting the toy, now the bee sting. I gave him an Allecet, it is for Hay fever and allergies, but I figured it should work and put some germolene on the sting. All he needed was to swell up and react to the bee sting and not be able to write exams today. It worked and by the time he went to bed he was fine and the bit of swelling around the sting had gone down.

We have so many bees and it is becoming a problem. Miss Piggy was stung by a bee a few months ago and we had to rush her to the vet. Her one eye was swollen, her whole face was pink and she had welts on her skin. You could see the lines of the welts under her coat. It was a Saturday morning and fortunately it happened just before our vet closed for the weekend. There was so much traffic and on the way to the vet she was panting and starting to almost hyperventilate and her throat was starting to close by the time we got to the vet. She was given anti-histamine injections and cortisone and the vet watched her  until all the symptoms had started to disappear and then she was fighting fit again.

We have this really massive tree right by our front door, which has red little flowers or berries on it, as seen in the photos below. I have no idea what tree it is, but the berries must be full of sweet nectar and pollen, because it is full of bees. Some days you can hear the buzzing. November looks like Autumn. As the bees suck out the nectar the red flowers or berries fall off the tree and the grass and paving is always covered in a red carpet of flowers.

We also have a huge Mulberry tree right next to it. Whoever, planted these trees years ago, never took into account that trees grow big and planting them right next to the house might look pretty when they are small, but when they grow they become a mess and also quite a hazard. I want to cut them down, but both trees are full of birds. At this time of the year, the birds don't even go and eat the fruit I put in the feeders for them. They don't leave that tree. We have more birds here and different species than we have ever seen when we have gone to the bush.

We have Weaver Birds, African Hoopoes, WagTails, Starlings, Robins, Louries, Mousebirds, Thrushes, Hadedas, Pigeons, Doves, just to name a few. We have them all and it is so wonderful listening to them chattering and shrieking in the trees and hopping around the branches, so I am very reluctant to cut down the two trees, but they make such a mess. Talk about Mulberry Lane. The paving outside the front door is always purple with squashed Mulberries that have fallen off the tree and you have to tread carefully around them, otherwise the house gets full of them and it is a constant battle to keep the area clean and stain free. The choice is clean area and no birds or fewer birds or dirty mess and lots of birds. For now we are sticking with the birds. It is so peaceful and if you close your eyes you can imagine you are away from the hustle and bustle of suburban life and out in nature.

And on the exam front, Chad reckons his EMS exam was easy and tomorrow he has English Language, Creative Writing and Comprehension. Right now he is watching TV and I am really so tired of moaning and nagging him to switch off the TV and study, that I am starting to sound like a stuck record. Tomorrow he has to study Afrikaans and that I am not looking forward to. I think his dad can help him with that!!

Till Later

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Where is my Breakfast?????

Well Chad starts his exams tomorrow and I am already pulling my hair out in frustration and impatience. It looks like I will be going back to working from home and Mark won't have me to run his office anymore, well that is until holidays start. I left Chad sleeping when I went to work, after instructing him last night that today is not a holiday, but a school day, meant for studying. He had to be ready with books out by 8am, because school starts at 8am. As usual I softened and thought he could sleep late and start at nine. Just before 9am, I received a text message from him with this image.

 Miss Piggy sitting at the dining room table, on a chair. Thank heavens we never use our dining room table for the purpose it was meant for. We use it for everything else, except for dining!!!! Now we have a Bull Dog sitting at the table waiting for her breakfast. That is Chad studying!!! Well now it is time to waddle off into the kitchen to make dinner, which is going to be late as usual. The one thing I really despise doing on a daily basis is cooking. Then it will be back to nagging Chad to study and asking questions to which he does not know the answers to.

Have a great evening

Monday, 7 November 2011

Comments & Other Poems From Face Book Group (Part 2)

Continued From Previous Post                                              

The Softer Side of Leather

By Wayne Haskell
... Some think bikers are mean,
Some dressed in leathers and others in jeans.
You don't like our patches or the clothes that we wear,
You hate our bandannas and you hate our long hair.
You don't like our scooters and our loud noisy pipes,
You think we're not loyal to the Stars and Stripes.
You don't like our patches that are worn on our vests,
You think we're so different from all the rest.
But the truth is, Mister, we're kind of alike,
You drive a car and I ride a bike.
You have no tattoos painted on your arm,
But we fought side by side in Viet Nam.
So the next time your children are running around,
Enjoy their freedom, and the fun that they've found.
Remember us bikers and all that we do,
We feed our lost veterans, we're red white and blue!
We bring toys for tots and toys for a smile,
By riding our bikes for miles and miles...........
You see, us bikers have never forgot,
Our homeless veterans and our homeless tots.
We are loyal to our clubs and true to our bro's,
We will always wear black from our heads to our toes.
Society once said that long hair was for fags,
... But you'll never see a biker burning a flag.
Now the tattoos and leather you don't understand,
Stands for free independence that us bikers demand.
Our long hair and patches and bikes with loud pipes,
Is a tribute to our freedom, the Stars and the Stripes.
So before you make up your mind on just what I might be,
Take a look in the mirror and what do you see?
The man that you see that is staring right back,
Is not too much different from that biker in black!!

Ride Safe Ride Free!

My Loving Son

My Loving Son
My Heart aches like frostbite from a
Cold, wet, dark winter night
... He was killed in a head on collision
Nobody really knows how or why
My Loving Son
Tears of pain just keep flowing like
The pouring rain in a thunderstorm
No more 'I Love You, Mom'
No phone calls
No Visits, No Hugs
My Loving Son
I know He now has Wings
And His Halo is Gold...
He is Smiling and Happy
Like a Soft love Song
No Pain No Hurt,
Oh How I Miss
My Loving Son

Lorene Bearden

DianneI am so livid again. People wonder why I am in a permanent state of anger. Ashley Callie - high profile case - was killed 11 months after Clint. Her court case started today. Mandoza - High profile case - killed two people (and could not have his alcohol levels checked) a year after Clint was killed, his court case started a couple of weeks ago. Still no date for Clint's court case coz the inspector is too busy to issue a summons. Trying to get hold of the Commissioner of Honeydew police station... to get an explanation as to why their cases have gone to court and not Clints is impossible. He does not take calls - but the local media always publish his lies of him having an open door policy - when it suits him, when he wants to make excuses for his area's high crime rate, when he wants to cover up the fact that the public in his area would be better off if his station shut their doors for good.

August 28, 2008 at 2:31pm



DianneHow could we have known this time of this day two years ago, that you would be putting on your jacket, your helmet, tightening your gloves for your very last ride? How could we have known that a hole would be ripped from our lives That you'll be off to another dimension and that nothing will ever be the same?

“Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
... I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,

And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him…”

"Author Unknown


Clint was riding his 125cc Motor Bike to extra maths. A motorist did an illegal U turn without looking or indicating and hit Clint .

DianneKnowing that you are around us all the time still never takes the pain of not having you with us and life is so unfair and so cruel. I am so sorry my angel, but I will never accept your death. I can’t and I need you to understand that and forgive me for not believing that you would want me to accept it.
Love You So Much Angel

May 9, 2009 at 8:52pm

DianneChaddy’s birthday is on Tuesday and now all his anger and ugliness has surfaced again. Just when I thought things were getting better with him over the past few weeks, it has started again. He feels guilty about being happy and enjoying life without you and does not know how to express his grief and sadness and just gets so angry and every little thing upsets him. As much as I understand what he is going through, it is very hard to deal with him, when I can’t deal with my own pain and anger.

May 9, 2009 at 8:53pm

DianneI guess it would be so much easier to get addicted to prescription drugs or become an alcoholic and keep the pain permanently numbed, but that would make you very angry and disappointed and Chad needs me to be as good a mother as I possibly can and would be more traumatised having a mother that was numbed out of her mind. So I will rather never go down that road and only take the pills for court to help face the person who destroyed our lives and took you away from us and destroyed your dreams, goals and future.

May 9, 2009 at 8:54pm

DianneI guess I am really lying to myself, because I needed the help of Xanors to numb myself and the pain of not sharing the experience with you. Mark went on the speed boat on his own, because you were not there to go with him and I really don’t think it was the same for him as when you and him went. It was a break away from Joburg filled with inner pain and hurt.

May 9, 2009 at 8:54pm

DianneMy angel going thru these photos is so heart breaking. Looking at them one would think it is a happy family holiday, but in reality it was just a break to distract Chaddy from the normal December festivities and madness that is no longer a part of our lives.
It was less painfull staying in a hotel knowing you would have hated it, because holidays for you were camping and being outdoors. This was really Chad’s kind of holiday, ordering room service etc. I am not even sure you would have enjoye...d the train, you would have gotten bored and frustrated being cooped up and not being able to do things.

May 9, 2009 at 8:56pm

DianneThe meaning Of Mother’s Day
Mother’s day just means that I am a total failure of a mother, because I could not protect you. I was always neurotic and believed the worst, but when it was the worst i could do nothing for you.
I thought i was a good mother by giving into your passion, giving you what meant so much to you, but all it did was take you away from me. If you did not get another bike then it would not have been your time or whatever nonsense and exuses people come up with.
I am failing ...Chad as a mother, because as much as I try to pretend to be happy, he knows my heart is not into enjoying the little things he did for me for mother’s day. His heart is not in it either, because he is just as sad and has you missing from his life.
I think it is so pathetic when people tell me they are praying for me. Is that going to bring you back no it never will just like it did not save you after your accident.
I love you my angel and miss you so much.

May 10, 2009 at 7:19pm

DianneMy angel, mommy is in such turmoil about going to court on Wednesday. I just have this very strong feeling that I must not go, Mark does not want me to go either, but I feel as tho I will be letting you down if I don't go. But at the same time something or someone is telling me not too and I keep wondering if it is you. I just know that Wednesday is going to be the last time in court and that he is going to get let off for what he did to you. But no matter what happens to him we will never get y...ou back and that is what is killing me inside. I don't know what to do and I don't know what I will do when I hear them saying he will not be punished for what he did. I miss you so much my angel and it just gets worse and worse. mommy is dying inside and the end of the court case is like confirming the reality of your death. I love you with all my heart and miss you more than words or actions can ever express.

May 23, 2009 at 11:01am

DianneI miss you so much my angel, it hurts so badly no one knows just how much it hurts that you are no longer here where you are meant to be. love you so so so much and miss you too much for words to express

August 9, 2009 at 8:36pm

DianneMy precious angel yesterday was just another awful heartbreaking day and as much as I know Chaddy needs to have as normal childhood as possible it is extremely difficult and impossible without you with us and all I can do is put flowers in your room and in your garden and look at photos when all I want is you to be with us. Love you and miss you so much my angel. There is no joy in our lives without you and even tho Chad brings us joy his heart and life is so filled with grief and sorrow that it makes little difference

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