Saturday, 21 January 2012

Gardening - Number Four On My List

Number four on my list of SEVEN changes has to be gardening. I have never been a gardener or one for gardening, but I have gone through stages where I would buy plants and plant them or do a bit of gardening. After Clint died, we had a Memorial Garden made for him. It is next to the pool, because he spent a lot of time in the pool and by the pool and it was a happy place, a place of happy memories. There was already a garden there, very overgrown, I have blogged about badly designed gardens in this post here. We had a landscaper come and do The Memorial Garden and it looked so beautiful. After a few weeks, I decided to do the rest of the garden. Our gardener helped a bit, but I mostly did it on my own. He dug the beds, but I planted and I cut down so many branches and cut back plants. Trees are lovely and we need them, but they have their place and we have too many. The shade and darkness from them drove me insane. I could not take the shadows and all the green. I wanted colourful bright flowers and sunlight so I cut down so many trees. they are still there, over grown again, but I cut them right down to let in the sunlight and get rid of some of the green.

The Landscaper Doing Clint's Garden


We spent a fortune on plants and our garden was looking so pretty. Gardening, especially cutting down huge branches was actually very therapeutic. As I cut into the branch, the thicker it was, the more I took out my anger and hatred towards those responsible for Clint's death. One day Mark asked why I was cutting down so many tress and I told him I was cutting the throats of those that killed Clint. He was shocked and ready to have me committed to a mental institute. I told my therapist about it when I went to her a year later and she said there was nothing wrong with the thoughts I was having and it was good that I was taking out all my feelings on something like tree branches and not bottling it up and acting it out in reality one day. I would sit and pull out weeds from the grass for ages, which was getting rid of all the ugliness and when I planted plants each one was for Clint and to show his beauty.

Almost Finished


A year later I got very sick landed up in hospital and all the gardening stopped. It has bugged me for a long time that I have lost interest. The gardener now does Clint's garden, before I did it and the rest of the garden is just over grown with no colour. He does do the garden, but without me telling him what to cut back and cut down, it is over grown and I don't buy seedlings anymore. Only in March and September for Clint's garden

2nd Birthday Without Clint


One of the things that The Spiritual Healer spoke about was me doing something creative again. Something that I had stopped doing. I told her I don't have a creative bone in my body and have never done anything creative or artistic in my life. She said being creative is about regrowth, even planting a plant is being creative and there must have been a change in my body language,emotions or expressions, because she asked if I used to garden and if I had a special plant that was planted in memory of Clint. I did not go into detail and perhaps she said it, because people do plant plants and gardens in memory of someone who has died. Whatever the reason she said Clint wanted me to start gardening again and to spend more time sitting by "the plant" that was planted in his memory. I don't even sit in his garden that often anymore. It has become too painful and I feel almost angry, because what does sitting in his garden help, he isn't there. Flowers also bring out more anger than joy. I used to put flowers in his room and garden every 16th of the month, until one day I became so angry, because why the 16th, it was not a happy day, it was the worst day of my life, so why was I using that as a special day and not the 21st, the day he was born, a day of joy. So I stopped the flowers too and only do them on his birthday, anniversary day and christmas  and other special days.

2nd Birthday without Clint

Garden Almost finished


I need to go back into his garden and spend time there. Very few people believe this I am sure, even Mark, but Garfield, my cat, Clint's cat actually, reminds me to go in his garden.  No matter where she is in the house if I go into his garden she comes sprinting in there and rubs and purrs and meows. If I sit on the patio, she meows and runs there and I have to go with her. A few months ago, I had not been in his garden for a long time, it was winter and I just did not go there. Garfield cried and cried for about two weeks. I could not understand what was wrong with her. She was eating, did not look sick or hurt and I even bought litter and got her litter tray out in case she didn't want to go outside. She never uses a litter tray, she uses the garden, unless it rains for days on end. Nothing helped, she just cried early in the morning, during the day, whenever she saw me. I was about to take her to the vet when suddenly I thought of going into Clint's garden, she went bounding in there, purring, rubbing all over me and we sat there for a long time and she stopped crying. On the following Sunday, Mark was sitting on the patio and she sat on the floor next to his chair and she was crying. I told him she wanted him to go to Clint's garden and he just smiled. I went on and he went off as if to humor me and my silly notions and as he got up and walked towards Clint's garden, she went running ahead of him. She knows the garden has special meaning or that it is for Clint. If I go anywhere else in the garden she does not come near me only there. When I play with the dogs, she sits either in Clint's garden or by the pool calling me.
Garfield


I really have to start taking care of the garden again, spending time in it and sitting in Clint's garden. I have been sitting there more often since going to The Spiritual Healer, but still not often enough.

Not Quite Finished

Still Busy

Finished




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