Saturday, 17 March 2012

Five Years Was Too Soon

Five years came far too quickly. I never thought I would reach five years, but I did and it is certainly very hard to believe that this time five years ago, we were in deep shock over the tragedy of Clint's death. It was unbelievable, something I could not comprehend, it was not real. How could it be real and true? I left him at that awful hospital and came home and in my mind I am still going back there to fetch him and bring him back home to nurse him during his recovery period. That is how I have survived, that and having Chad to live for. I live in that dream world everyday, nursing him back to health!!

During my logical and lucid moments, the plan was to scatter his ashes in a beautiful place, on the fifth year anniversary. Mark has always believed his ashes should be scattered. I cannot let go, scattering his ashes will make it real, it will make him dead and I cannot bare that. I cannot bare to see those ashes either, that is not my child, that is not my beautiful smiling Clint. They are packed away in his cupboard, far from site. I cannot bare to touch them, see them, even think about them. Mark believes that Clint must be free and that we must scatter them in the Blyde River Canyon, a beautiful place in what was previously known as the Eastern Transvaal, either there or at God's Window, also in the Eastern Transvaal. I said we would do it in the fifth anniversary of his death. It seemed appropriate, I thought I would be able to. Well year number five arrived in the blink of an eyelid, it came upon us without even realizing it. It feels like 5 months, even 5 days, except at 5 days it was not real, it was not long enough to know that this is forever this is what life will now be like. Clint was at hospital, at a friend, where ever, except dead. 

So five years past and yesterday, the 16th of March was an awful terrible day. It rained all day, hard rain and hard tears. I never got to buy flowers, I cried too much, there was too much rain, I could not bare the thought of going out and buying flowers, pretty flowers for an awful day. I am so sorry Clint, that I did not buy you any flowers, I feel awful, terrible. The rain was just an excuse, it was an ugly day and the weather proved it. I lit a candle for you, in memory of you, the candle light flickering in your beautiful smiling eyes. I fought with Chad, I fought with Mark, they can't take away my pain, they don't understand that although everyday is painful and sad, certain days are far worse and they don't understand that although everyday is painful and sad, certain days are far worse, leading up to that last day that we were with you - the last day that you were alive, the 15 March 2007.

For me, your death date will always be the 15 March 2007, the fact that it is the 16th, is just because the clock ticked over and you died at 3am on the 16th. So it is the 15th and 16th, the worst day of my life is the 15 March, because some murdering criminals decided to take your life and end it on that terrible day.

We received flowers from Janet yesterday. Every year she has sent us flowers. I had never met her or even knew that her and her family existed until, the first year anniversary and she sent flowers and a beautiful card. She hardly even knew Clint, her son Kevin and Clint went to school together and were not even close friends, yet she remembers every year and always sends beautiful cream flowers. Once Chad said he wonders if Janet chooses cream flowers, because they look so peaceful and she does. I really appreciate that she always remembers and I am certain Clint does too. Everyone else has moved on and Janet remembers.

My last two posts were posted, because they are beautiful, which you can read here and over here , but I do not agree with them. Yes that is how life should work. Live, Time and Death, but when it is all messed up and a child dies, it is wrong and not meant to be. Children are not meant to die first, there is nothing right about it. Yes and Life goes on and we are all too busy for each other, like the image in this post, but for me I have gone through the most traumatic thing anyone can go through, I have been forced to live without my beautiful boy, so I can live without seeing anyone else and I won’t live with regrets if something happens. It has happened to me and I have to live with it and no pain or death will hurt me as much.

I am going to now go and clean Clint’s room. Something I have not done for a very long time. Sheila cleans it now and yes, his room is still the same as the day he died, just all the bits and bobs he kept are packed away safely. He was a hoarder and kept every tiny little screw, nut, bolt, even paper and school stuff. His room was really in a mess, but he knew when the tiniest little thing was out of place.  I used to clean his room from top to bottom, end to end, on the 16th of every month after he died, until they broke into our house and kicked in his door to get in there. I kept his room locked on the day Sheila came to work, no one was allowed in there and if it was locked she could not go in there to clean, but the bastards who broke into our house, obviously thought there were valuables in there, because nothing else in our house was locked. I got home when they were in Clint’s room, before they could destroy it anymore. They kicked the door in and crawled under the bottom half to get in. They destroyed my shrine and that is when I stopped locking it and cleaning it myself.

Today I am going to do it and then go buy flowers – it is a beautiful day today. The rain has cleared, but the tears are still there.

I don’t know when this will be posted, because my internet is not working again, but a post on my anger about that will be for another day. I am typing on word, because it has been going on and off all day and I needed to get all this thoughts out of my head and onto paper so to speak.

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