Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Reconnecting

Yesterday, I received a friend request and a message on Facebook from a friend that I have not seen or heard from in years. One day a few months ago, Chad and I were chatting about old times, people from long ago and just reminiscing and I was telling him about this person and he said I should search her on Facebook. It was one of those days when I was having a "normal" day and  I did. I sent her a message and then never heard from her and thought nothing about it and in fact forgot all about it, so was a bit surprised when I saw a Facebook notification on my blackberry and then saw it was from her. Then I remembered I sent her a message long ago. Of course, these past few weeks, I have been feeling far from "normal" and very sad and down. I replied to her message last night and it was absolutely devastating to tell her that Clint had died. I could not write much and was in tears as I typed. I went to go bath straight after - then I needed my Time Out. I needed to be alone with my tears and sadness and having a bath, where Chad and Mark could not see me sad and upset, was the place to be.

I find it so difficult to tell people that Clint died and I hate it when I meet someone for the first time and they ask how many children I have. I hate having to say my one child is dead. After Clint died, I could recite every second of that awful night, from the phone call to the time that he died. Everything that happened, everything we went through and everything Clint went through. I could tell people over and over, almost parrot fashion. I was always waiting for the happy ending, I always believed that there was a happy ending I could tell. One day during therapy, I spoke to my psychologist about me being able to talk about what happened that night and Mark not being able to. I told her that I could talk about it and wait for the happy ending. She looked at me in total shock, eyes wide open, I even think her jaw dropped and she said, but what is the happy ending, I stared back at her as if she was mad and in those few minutes, I think, the reality suddenly hit me and my logical brain took over and that was when I knew that this is for real it is forever and I said to her that Clint lived, and then it hit me "my logical brain" and I said, but there is no happy ending, there never will be a happy ending. It was from then, more than three years after Clint died that I was no longer able to talk about what happened. All those years, I believed that there was a happy ending, that the more I spoke about what happened that night, the closer I would get to the day I could say "and Clint lived." My brain and mind was badly damaged if that is how I can describe it, or it was being protected somehow from the truth. It is something I cant really explain, but now I find it very difficult to talk about what happened. I used to recite it, more than talk about it.

I also went for Body Talk Therapy for awhile. Body Talk, helped Chad a lot. Initially, the therapist asked if we would be her "guinea pigs". She was still studying and needed case studies and Chad never saw it as therapy, it was a joke being a guinea pig, but later he responded to it. Body Talk is hard to explain, but what I can say is it did help Chad, who refused to go for therapy. Anyway, during one of the sessions, the therapist told me that my emotional brain had blocked my analytic brain. That made sense to me, because I used to try and explain what was happening inside my brain. I actually felt a blockage in my brain or mind. I still can't explain it and still have days where the blockage is still there or comes back. I think the day I spoke to my psychologist about the so called happy ending was the day the blockage opened. This probably does not make sense to anyone, but now I can't recite that night, I can't go there!! If I have to, it is extremely painful, it was always painful, but then I was numb, then my logical brain did not work, now it does most days.

Now reconnecting and catching up is something I hate doing. All I want is a message or phone call from Clint and I am never going to get that.



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