Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Time Out - Happy Me

Last Saturday, Mark wanted to go grocery shopping, as we had nothing in the house, but I really was not in the mood for crowded malls and buying groceries. I was really very down and tearful and wanted to clean Clint's room and buy flowers, because I did not buy any the day before, on the fifth anniversary of his death. Him and Chad went on their own. That night when I went to bath, I saw that he had bought me two bottles of Radox. Was it a coincidence that these are the two that he bought me?

Did he think I needed Time Out to be a Happy Me? Does he think bubble bath will take away the tears and pain of Clint's death? Did he just put them in the trolley and not give it any thought, because I had none at home? I don't know, I never asked, because no doubt I wouldn't like the answer, no matter what it was. I guess I shouldn't question it and just accept that he was being nice and thought he would buy me bubble bath.

Sadly nothing takes away the pain, not even time out or long relaxing bubble baths. Not even the beautiful flowers in Clint's room or garden. Are these yellow roses not too beautiful for words? Sitting in Clint's garden the other day, whilst I was alone at home, admiring the roses just brought fresh tears to my eyes.

The strangest thing happened on Wednesday morning. It was a public holiday and Chad had slept over at his friend and Mark went to work. The day before when I was sitting in Clint's garden, I noticed the fishpond was only half full and I never gave it much thought, other than the gardener had cleaned it and only half filled it. I never bothered to fill it up, thinking it would rain soon and it will fill up. On Wednesday after Mark left for work I made coffee and went and sat in the lounge. I heard Pluto crying at the sliding door and wondered why he was outside or when he went outside and went to let him in, but he was inside, but crying to go out. When I let him out he went and stood by the patio chair. I heard a strange noise coming from the pond pump and went to have a look. Nearly all the water was out of the pond and the poor fish were frantically swimming around, very stressed. Turns out the gardener cleaned the filter and put the pipe back the wrong way and the filtered water was pumping out instead of going back in. It felt almost as if Pluto was telling me that there was something wrong with the pond or he was used to tell me that there was something wrong. When I got to the pond, he jumped up onto the patio chair and lay down on it. Pluto is always at my side and will never choose to go sit outside if he has the option to cuddle on the chair or bed with me. After filling up the pond, I sat in Clint's garden with Garfield and I felt a sense of peace, but also a sense of having Clint near to me. I will never know if it is just my imagination or not.

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