Saturday, 17 March 2012

Who Would Have Known ..... 15 March 2012

Who would have thought or even imagined that life, as we knew it, would change so drastically, so traumatically and above all in such a cruel way. Today five years ago, we woke up and went about our day, not knowing that we would be dealt such a cruel blow.
It was a carefree happy day. Clint seemed even happy than normal, he was full of smiles and laughter; he had plans for his future, both near and far off. He had so much homework that day, but and although his science was stressing him out, he was still light hearted and happy.
Friends at school even commented on the mischievous grin he had plastered on his face for most of the day, but at the same time, he also had a very deep conversation with a couple of girls about friends and what friendship meant to him. They thought it not exactly strange, but out of character for him to be having deep conversations like that. Little did we all know that each of our conversations with him would be the last that we would ever have. What everyone remembers about that day was that he was full of laughter and happiness that day at school.
I cannot believe that it was five years ago. I cannot believe that I have survived these five years without you my darling angel, Clinton. It feels like 5 months, actually 5 days, yet I have survived.
Five years ago, after we were dealt this really cruel blow, I just could not envisage that I would still be alive in 5 years later. Then there were times that I honestly and truly believed that Clint would come alive again. In fact I knew in my heart and my head that he would not be dead for a long time; that he would be back with us very soon. It was impossible for him to be dead forever, how could it be possible???
As I write this, on this cold; wet; grey; miserable day, I go back to each and every hour, minute and second of that day, remembering each and everything we did and said through-out that day. Everything was different that day, even the weather. It was hot and sunny, then it rained very hard, stormed in fact, which is why I took him to his friend Dwayne’s house. He went to Dwayne, so they could all try and do the Science homework that was given to them at the last minute, during their afternoon English Portfolio lesson. Whilst he was at Dwayne’s house, the storm ended and it was hot and sunny again, as if it had never rained. When Chad and I went to fetch him, he said I did not have to take him to extra maths; he would go on his bike. He assured me that is what he wanted to do. How different would today have been if it had carried on raining that day?
It is getting closer and closer to the time that we received that dreaded call, the call that changed our lives forever. It is 16h30, right now and hour to go until the time when our lives changed, today, Thursday the 15 March, that terrible day, Thursday 15 March, living through it, is hell. Sitting with a smile on my face, in front of Chad, helping him with his homework, just like that day 5 years ago, only today the smile goes no further than my lips, pasted onto my face. Tears welling up in my eyes, a battle to keep them from brimming over, pretending to Chad that all is fine and I am OK, not letting on that I am breaking inside, so not as to upset him, but he knows, because I am distant and distracted. I smile when I shouldn’t and don’t smile when I should. I answer his questions, long after he has asked them or give the wrong answer, after he has repeated it 5 or 6 times.
I have been forced to live without my precious child for 5 years and I have survived it. I get up each day and get on with my day; I live with the pain and tears, mostly hidden from the world. I do not need anyone other than Chad in my life. I don’t have to see anyone; I don’t have to hear that life is too short for regrets, too short for holding grudges, too short to live. I live everyday without the most precious person in my life and survive; the only thing that will stop me from living is the other most precious person in my life, Chad. I have gone through the worst pain ever, the most traumatic death; nothing can make me sadder than I already am, because if Chad dies, I won’t feel sad, I will end my life, because it will no longer be worth living.


Written on the 15 March 2012 16h45

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