Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Hallmark Holidays

Mother's day has always taken a back seat, because it is around Chad's birthday. If his actual birthday doesn't fall on mother's day, then his party is usually the day before Mother's Day or on Mother's day and Mother's Day is completely forgotten, which happened this year. This year has been tougher than most, because all the dates fall on the exact same days as 2007. So Clint's death day was Thursday/Friday, for me it will always be Thursday, 15 March 2007, it is just so happened that in theory it was Friday the 16th, because the clock struck midnight and then 3 hours later he died. The fact remains our lives ended on Thursday the 15th. Chad's birthday was on the Saturday that year, mother's day was on the Sunday and that is what it is going to be like for the rest of this year and for me it is just so much harder to deal with, because I live through each of those days, exactly like I did in 2007. It is hard to put down in words, but that is what it is.

This year, I actually forgot that it was mother's day and so did Chad, until he went to movies and sent me a message to say Happy Mother's day and that he loved me very much. He must have seen all the adverts all over Northgate and realised that he had forgotten about it. It doesn't bother me at all, he shows his love and appreciation everyday and I don't need a special day dictated by society to make me feel special and loved and appreciated. Actually, dictated by the retail industry. I was so emotionally drained after Chad's birthday that I just spent the day in bed and did nothing else. Chad makes his birthday really difficult, he doesn't know how to handle the pain of not having Clint around so he lashes out in anger. It started from when I fetched him from school on Friday and just carried on and on and on. Sometimes I think he blames me for not protecting Clinton and keeping him safe, well that is how I feel. I have asked him, but he always says no and denies that it is because of Clint. I am too close to the problem and am hurting myself, so I don't deal with it properly or as I should. I told him on Sunday, that his birthday is the one day that he can enjoy without feeling guilty or sad and Clint would want him to be happy. He never talks about his feelings and I just have to second guess him all the time. Strangely in the past he was fine on the day he had his party, but just on his actual birthday all the anger comes out. Maybe it is because his birthday was so soon after Clint's death.

It is just so hard to deal with and with Mother's Day the next day just adds to the problem, so forgetting about it was just a blessing. I cried enough the day before. After receiving his message on Sunday afternoon, I gave it a lot of thought and all these days, like Mother's Day; Father's Day, Valentine's Day;  are all just money making rackets and why get dictated by the retail industry and society to show love and appreciation on that day. I can have a totally relaxed Sunday, doing nothing any time I want. Chad tells me that he loves me everyday, yes even on the days that we fight and argue or when he doesn't listen or when we are both hurting from no longer having Clint with us. As cynical as I may sound or as I may be, it is the truth and I know that he loves me and appreciates me all the time. Maybe we should have a children's day too, if Mother's Day and Father's Day are so important.

And even though he hides his face when I try and take his photo, I still know he loves me :)

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Chad's 15th Birthday

Well Chad turned 15 on Saturday, I can't believe it - time just flies. I can't say that it went without the normal birthday blues, but I won't spoil this post with details of that, except to say that he had his present for a week before his birthday. He wanted a pellet gun, he is into guns and I really don't like guns at all, but I don't want him to have a motorbike; I don't want him to have a quad bike; I don't want him to have a gun - everything is about what I don't want and it is a bit unfair. We gave Clint a pellet gun for his 14th birthday and I am very aware of the fact that I think Clint was far more responsible than Chad at that age and he really was. Chad had been using Clint's pellet gun for awhile, but he always asked me if he could use it or just take it out and look at it without shooting it. The other day I decided to give it to him, I am sure that Clint would have wanted his brother to have it. Now it is his and he does not have to ask every time he wants to use it. I gave it to him on the Thursday, but he still wanted a pellet gun for his birthday, but not the normal one like Clint's. He wanted one that looks like a hand gun. Mark took him to look at guns and they found the one he wanted, but it was the only one in stock so they bought it there and then. Instead of putting it away until his birthday, he used it, so he had nothing to open on his birthday. I told him that he is going to be disappointed, because his birthday would be just a normal Saturday, the gun was very expensive and that is all he was getting

On Friday, I went and bought him some Lindt Chocolates, Aftershave, because he started shaving the week before, Toblerone and M&M's so he would have a present to open on his birthday and of course a birthday card and then baked him a cake. Now I have already alluded to the fact that his birthday was full of his usual birthday blues and it started from when I fetched him from school. So I had this moody teenager and a nagging dog wanting me to play with him whilst I was baking.

Spike Nagging Me To Come Play With Him

Chad did not want icing on his cake, he just wanted a plain dry cake, so we argued about that and then he wanted me to cut a piece of the cake, before I iced it, so I took a cookie cutter and cut out a circle in the middle of the top half of the cake, stuck a candle in it and took it to him, on Friday night and said it was his cake.

Chad's Mini Cake & Candle

Neither Mark nor Chad like icing sugar, so I put fresh cream in the middle of the cake and caramel on top and just tried to write his name with icing sugar, my creative skills are non existent.

On Saturday morning his friend, John was dropped off at about 8, Mark had to go to work to give a customer his car and the rest of the morning was a bit of a disaster, because of Chad's birthday blues, but as always targeted at me. Later on we went to Randburg Raceway and had they had two races there. We never booked, so they could only have two races.

Chad Go-Karting

We left there and went to Dirt Ryders, outdoor go-karting, but they have really gone down the tubes and the go-karts are not maintained at all.

Chad At Dirt Ryders

Having Lunch At Dirt Ryders

Chad Mark John
We went home, I made chocolate brownies, because Chad wanted them, but used one of those box cake mix ones and they did not come out to well, then we went to Cattle Barron for Dinner. Whilst we were getting ready to go out, Spike was nagging us to play with him again, he was really feeling left out and in the end, just lay on our bed sulking with his toy, because everyone was ignoring his pleas to go out and play.

Spike Sulking With His Toy

Chad and John spent the evening playing X-Box at Cattle Baron, in between having dinner. Mark and the boys had burgers of all things for dinner and they were really not nice at all.They were dry and tasteless apparently. I had chicken Tahiti and it was very good .

Chad Mark John - Cattle Barron

Chad & John Cattle Barron

Mark At Cattle Barron

Chad & John Playing X-Box

Chad John

We had dessert at home, chocolate brownies with fresh cream and ice cream and chocolate cake.

Should I or Shouldn't I

I have had bad sinusitis this whole week, caused by the smell of paint at work the whole week. This morning I woke up feeling awful, my throat was a bit sore, my sinuses all blocked up and my left ear blocked. I have a cough from hell and my chest felt sore and burny. Mark said I must go to the doctor before it gets worse or it turns into bronchitis. I managed to get an appointment for 1pm and went off to the doctor.

My chest is clear and my throat is fine, just my sinuses that are infected and I have an ear infection, so I have loads of meds as usual. Well I don't have them as yet, because the pharmacy closes at 1pm, really stupid considering the doctor is open until about 2 when she sees her last patient, apparently they open at 4pm again, so I am waiting till then. I could go to Dischem or Clicks, but prefer going to the pharmacy across from the doctor. I like supporting them, because they are a small business, as opposed to going to a large chain. They are friendly, helpful and personal, which you do not get at Dischem and Clicks pharmacies, there you are just a number in their large chain.

Now for the reason for this post - the doctor told me I have to give up smoking, that's what doctors are supposed to say I guess. She said it is the smoking that has made my sinusitis worse, I told her it is the paint, she just laughed and said, but you know smoking makes it worse. The paint is a VERY sore point in my life right now. Mark in his usual need to help others has let another mechanic rent out a section of the workshop to help him out, so they have been painting one of the store rooms close to the reception area. Now I know I should not hold it against him for helping people, but it is the choices he makes in who to help and everyone who he has helped has screwed him over. Never mind the conflict of interest in letting another mechanic work from his business - he just does not see the problem with it or the people he chooses to help. So them painting there and causing me to get infected sinuses is a very sore point right now.

I have been toying with the idea of giving up smoking for awhile now. Up until this year I gave up giving up smoking, but now I think I should. The only problem is I actually like smoking, I enjoy most of my cigarettes, some are just habit or addiction. When I had the abscess in my tooth, I managed to not smoke from the Saturday morning until I was discharged on the Sunday night and it never bothered me. Chad and Mark said that is proof that I can give up completely. I then decided a few months back to give up and for three days only had three cigarettes a day, but was very irritable, Mark and I had a huge fight, blamed my irritability on not smoking, that's rich, coming from someone who wants me to give up, so I started again.

This morning I decided that I am going to give up, had my last cigarette at 10, because I had no more and was not going to buy any more.

By the time I saw the doctor, I was so irritated and when she checked my blood pressure, she said it was high and probably, because I was so irritated. I told her about the not smoking. She has given me a prescription for Champix, apparently the wonder drug to stop smoking, but it can cause suicidal thoughts and there have been reports of people who have committed suicide after taking them. She said I must think about it and decide, but if I do take them and I have the slightest suicidal thoughts to stop them immediately. I often have suicidal thoughts, because of Clint's death and go into a very dark place often. I am scared to take them in case they push me over the edge. I have researched Champix all afternoon and as with everything there are bad reports and good reports and the bad reports all have drinking alcohol whilst taking them as a common factor, so maybe, the problem is mixing alcohol with them. If I do take them I won't drink alcohol, because I don't drink on a regular basis and I don't have to drink alcohol.

No doubt straight after leaving the doctor I went to buy more cigarettes. I will think about the advantages and disadvantages of smoking versus taking Champix.

And now Mark has just received a call from a customer, telling him that the car Mark lent him has been stolen. An uninsured car that Mark has just bought to resell, that had a gear lock, that obviously was not used, because it was not their car and an old car so who cares - not their problem!! And that is why giving up smoking is not as easy as quitting and why I feel the way I do about the people Mark helps. Now he has gone off to look for the car.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Chad's Birthday

Chad will be turning 15 tomorrow, I cannot believe it, he is right smack into his teens and his moods prove it too. I still see him as 10 and admittedly he does look younger than he is and being short doesn't help, but I keep telling him that when he is 40, he will look 30 and how awesome that will be. I always looked younger than my actual age, until Clinty died, then I aged a year a day. Now I look much older than I am. Mark is five and a half years younger than me and it never mattered before, because he looked older than his age and I looked younger, so it balanced out. Now you can see without a doubt that I am older.

Chad Feb 2007
When I look back at photos, I can see Chad looks nothing like a 10 year old, he has grown and matured, but on a day to day basis, I don't see the growth and maturity. Somehow, I managed to get through his 10th birthday, which was just under 2 months after Clinty died. It was a total blur. He invited a couple of friends, about 10 and went to the botanical gardens and went on a mini-hike. Mark arranged most of it, which he had never done before, Chad even did the RSVP part of the party, so sweet and sad. My mom helped with hot dogs and stuff, but they never came to his little party, which must have really hurt Chad. He has never said as much, but I know it did. It was hard for everyone, extremely hard for me, but we had to acknowledge Chad's birthday and I know Clint would not have wanted Chad to not celebrate his birthday and I know that without even having the Spiritual Healer saying that he was very sad about it too. Well we got through Chad's birthday, Mark bought his present and did most of the stuff and Chad didn't even want a cake. He had a big party the year before, about 30 kids and Clint was so involved, helping with the clown and organising games and controlling the wild kids, all hyped up on sugar, ice cream and cake.
When one of Clint's friends Jade, heard that he didn't even have a cake for his birthday, she bought one and brought it later after we got back from the botanical gardens. It was really sweet of her. Some how that birthday was the easiest and all of them have been hard since. I think that is why Chad being 10 has just stuck in my mind. I was too numb to know what life would be like without Clint, I think we all were, especially Chad. Every year his birthday is a disaster. He is moody, angry and I think very guilty and he wants to be happy and celebrate, but the pain of not having Clint around is just too much for him. I am hoping this year will be better.

Chad Oct 2009

So yes, Chad has grown and matured,life has gone on, he isn't 10 any more and we have another birthday to celebrate marred with sadness, because Clinty isn't with us to share it.

Grade 9 - April 2012

He wasn't impressed with the photographer telling him how he must pose for his photos

Miss Piggy - You Are Just So Cute

I love all of our animals and they are all very cute and special in their own ways. Each have their very own characters, but Miss Piggy is just extra special. I can't let Pluto hear me say that, because he is my special baby and mine alone. Miss Piggy reminds me of a cuddly, fluffy toy, but she is not even that lovable, well not to me that is. The only time she loves me is when I bake her special peanut butter biscuits. Finally her tummy has settled and she can eat just about everything and anything like the other dogs. We would have a major problem if her tummy was still sensitive to her home-made biscuits. As soon as she hears my mixer going she comes running into the kitchen, if I am not baking for her she soon loses interest and leaves me. She must smell the peanut butter, because she stays by me until they are baked and cooled and she can have one, two, three, many.
Piggy's Peanut Butter Biscuits.

OK, they are not only hers, she shares with her siblings and I also make them cheese and oats biscuits, but she thinks they are only hers. I love how she sits and sometimes stands and puts her front paw straight out, her way of asking nicely for a biscuit from me. I have never taught her to give me her paw, before I give her a treat, she just does it out of her own. The other day Mark tried it. He gave her a bit of sausage and she refused to put out her paw, I broke off another piece of sausage and she immediately sat down and stuck her paw out. I have to get a photo of her doing that. It looks so cute, this short stumpy leg straight out. Some mornings, when she has biscuits, they don't last even a week, she gets so excited, she tries to stick both front paws out, balancing on her hind legs. It is the funniest thing to see.

Fluffy Cuddly Toy Dog

The other time she loves me, is at night. She falls asleep with Chad, sleeping on his pillow or under his duvet, then around 11pm she comes to our room and stands by my side of the bed and tries to get up and wanders around until I lift her up, then she snuggles up against my legs, with her head on my legs and that is how I have to sleep. If she doesn't get up onto our bed, she climbs on top of Pluto and sleeps by him for the night. Poor Pluto, he always has this heavy lump on him and considering he is such a grumpy dog, he must love her to bits, because he just allows it. So sweet, the youngest and oldest in the house who are the best of friends. Oldest of dogs, not animals, Garfield is the oldest and the queen of the house.

Best Friends

Do I Look Like A Pillow?

Ah Well At Least I am Warm

Please Get Off Me You Are Heavy
The other time that she comes to me is when someone is sitting on her chair. The end of the couch where her and Pluto are lying, belongs to her and she gets very upset if someone is sitting there and they won't move, then she will come and sit by me, until I tell whoever is sitting there to move. Otherwise, she cuddles by Chad.

My Head Rest

The other night I got such a fright, I walked into our room and found this

Just Chilling

I'm So Relaxed

This is the life, don't disturb

She just has the most awesome character, but at times can be quite the monster, but mostly just a lovable cute little fluffy toy.

Where's dessert

I don't know how you breathe with all your funny sleeping positions, but somehow you manage and contradict all the facts about Bull Dogs

I'm Really Not Suffocating

Miss Piggy, you have brought so much joy to our lives at a time when we really needed it. The other's brought love and comfort, but you some how managed to bring joy and smiles.
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