Monday, 21 May 2012

Hallmark Holidays


Mother's day has always taken a back seat, because it is around Chad's birthday. If his actual birthday doesn't fall on mother's day, then his party is usually the day before Mother's Day or on Mother's day and Mother's Day is completely forgotten, which happened this year. This year has been tougher than most, because all the dates fall on the exact same days as 2007. So Clint's death day was Thursday/Friday, for me it will always be Thursday, 15 March 2007, it is just so happened that in theory it was Friday the 16th, because the clock struck midnight and then 3 hours later he died. The fact remains our lives ended on Thursday the 15th. Chad's birthday was on the Saturday that year, mother's day was on the Sunday and that is what it is going to be like for the rest of this year and for me it is just so much harder to deal with, because I live through each of those days, exactly like I did in 2007. It is hard to put down in words, but that is what it is.

This year, I actually forgot that it was mother's day and so did Chad, until he went to movies and sent me a message to say Happy Mother's day and that he loved me very much. He must have seen all the adverts all over Northgate and realised that he had forgotten about it. It doesn't bother me at all, he shows his love and appreciation everyday and I don't need a special day dictated by society to make me feel special and loved and appreciated. Actually, dictated by the retail industry. I was so emotionally drained after Chad's birthday that I just spent the day in bed and did nothing else. Chad makes his birthday really difficult, he doesn't know how to handle the pain of not having Clint around so he lashes out in anger. It started from when I fetched him from school on Friday and just carried on and on and on. Sometimes I think he blames me for not protecting Clinton and keeping him safe, well that is how I feel. I have asked him, but he always says no and denies that it is because of Clint. I am too close to the problem and am hurting myself, so I don't deal with it properly or as I should. I told him on Sunday, that his birthday is the one day that he can enjoy without feeling guilty or sad and Clint would want him to be happy. He never talks about his feelings and I just have to second guess him all the time. Strangely in the past he was fine on the day he had his party, but just on his actual birthday all the anger comes out. Maybe it is because his birthday was so soon after Clint's death.

It is just so hard to deal with and with Mother's Day the next day just adds to the problem, so forgetting about it was just a blessing. I cried enough the day before. After receiving his message on Sunday afternoon, I gave it a lot of thought and all these days, like Mother's Day; Father's Day, Valentine's Day;  are all just money making rackets and why get dictated by the retail industry and society to show love and appreciation on that day. I can have a totally relaxed Sunday, doing nothing any time I want. Chad tells me that he loves me everyday, yes even on the days that we fight and argue or when he doesn't listen or when we are both hurting from no longer having Clint with us. As cynical as I may sound or as I may be, it is the truth and I know that he loves me and appreciates me all the time. Maybe we should have a children's day too, if Mother's Day and Father's Day are so important.





And even though he hides his face when I try and take his photo, I still know he loves me :)








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