Sunday, 20 May 2012

Should I or Shouldn't I

I have had bad sinusitis this whole week, caused by the smell of paint at work the whole week. This morning I woke up feeling awful, my throat was a bit sore, my sinuses all blocked up and my left ear blocked. I have a cough from hell and my chest felt sore and burny. Mark said I must go to the doctor before it gets worse or it turns into bronchitis. I managed to get an appointment for 1pm and went off to the doctor.

My chest is clear and my throat is fine, just my sinuses that are infected and I have an ear infection, so I have loads of meds as usual. Well I don't have them as yet, because the pharmacy closes at 1pm, really stupid considering the doctor is open until about 2 when she sees her last patient, apparently they open at 4pm again, so I am waiting till then. I could go to Dischem or Clicks, but prefer going to the pharmacy across from the doctor. I like supporting them, because they are a small business, as opposed to going to a large chain. They are friendly, helpful and personal, which you do not get at Dischem and Clicks pharmacies, there you are just a number in their large chain.

Now for the reason for this post - the doctor told me I have to give up smoking, that's what doctors are supposed to say I guess. She said it is the smoking that has made my sinusitis worse, I told her it is the paint, she just laughed and said, but you know smoking makes it worse. The paint is a VERY sore point in my life right now. Mark in his usual need to help others has let another mechanic rent out a section of the workshop to help him out, so they have been painting one of the store rooms close to the reception area. Now I know I should not hold it against him for helping people, but it is the choices he makes in who to help and everyone who he has helped has screwed him over. Never mind the conflict of interest in letting another mechanic work from his business - he just does not see the problem with it or the people he chooses to help. So them painting there and causing me to get infected sinuses is a very sore point right now.

I have been toying with the idea of giving up smoking for awhile now. Up until this year I gave up giving up smoking, but now I think I should. The only problem is I actually like smoking, I enjoy most of my cigarettes, some are just habit or addiction. When I had the abscess in my tooth, I managed to not smoke from the Saturday morning until I was discharged on the Sunday night and it never bothered me. Chad and Mark said that is proof that I can give up completely. I then decided a few months back to give up and for three days only had three cigarettes a day, but was very irritable, Mark and I had a huge fight, blamed my irritability on not smoking, that's rich, coming from someone who wants me to give up, so I started again.

This morning I decided that I am going to give up, had my last cigarette at 10, because I had no more and was not going to buy any more.

By the time I saw the doctor, I was so irritated and when she checked my blood pressure, she said it was high and probably, because I was so irritated. I told her about the not smoking. She has given me a prescription for Champix, apparently the wonder drug to stop smoking, but it can cause suicidal thoughts and there have been reports of people who have committed suicide after taking them. She said I must think about it and decide, but if I do take them and I have the slightest suicidal thoughts to stop them immediately. I often have suicidal thoughts, because of Clint's death and go into a very dark place often. I am scared to take them in case they push me over the edge. I have researched Champix all afternoon and as with everything there are bad reports and good reports and the bad reports all have drinking alcohol whilst taking them as a common factor, so maybe, the problem is mixing alcohol with them. If I do take them I won't drink alcohol, because I don't drink on a regular basis and I don't have to drink alcohol.

No doubt straight after leaving the doctor I went to buy more cigarettes. I will think about the advantages and disadvantages of smoking versus taking Champix.

And now Mark has just received a call from a customer, telling him that the car Mark lent him has been stolen. An uninsured car that Mark has just bought to resell, that had a gear lock, that obviously was not used, because it was not their car and an old car so who cares - not their problem!! And that is why giving up smoking is not as easy as quitting and why I feel the way I do about the people Mark helps. Now he has gone off to look for the car.

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