Sunday, 17 March 2013

16 March 2013 - Remembering Clinty

The 16th of March, should have no significance in our lives. It should just be a date, like every other random date in the calendar, but the afternoon of 15th of March 2007, changed all that for us. It was the start of the hell our lives would become.

It has been 6 years of pure grief and hell. Six years may seem like a long time, but it feels like just yesterday. The events of the 15th of March 2007 are still very fresh in my mind and nothing can change how that day ended.

The 16 March 2013 started with the skies dark, grey and pouring with rain - the universe was crying buckets of tears, with a swollen heart just like mine. It was another year gone by without our precious darling Clinty and nothing will ever change that. 6 years ago it was not a reality, I always believed that I could do something to change the fact that Clint was dead. That it was impossible that I would never see him again. I could never see myself saying my child died a year ago, 2 years ago, ten years ago etc. My brain and mind was so damaged, for years I believed that I could change the outcome of that evening, that there was a happy ending, I was just waiting for it to happen.

When people say time heals, it doesn't. What heals is the damage done to your spirit and mind and brain - the pain never goes away it just intensifies, but what you learn to do and what time allows you to do - is to hide your true feelings from the world. No one knows the pain behind the smiles and laughter - the false smiles and laughter.

The other thing that time has done, is to make me realize that I cannot carry on allowing Chad's life to have ended on the day Clinty died. That is one thing I know and accept that Clinty wouldn't have wanted to happen. Clint was not spiteful or self absorbed when he was alive. He put others before him and I know he would have wanted Chad to have a "normal" life filled with fun and happiness - as best as possible without him. So slowly I have tried to carry on for Chad's sake.

Every year I have said that I will buy a memorial plaque on the next anniversary of Clint's death, but the next anniversary is always too soon. Every year I say the next year we will scatter Clint's ashes - something Mark really feels we should do - but again that year is too soon and I can't do it. By putting up a memorial plaque and scattering Clint's ashes will mean that I have accepted his death and that is something else I will never accept.

I had planned to go through all the cards we received and the messages from friends and family and put them on this page yesterday, but that is also too soon. I couldn't do it - so I started taking pictures of some of the things written on the day of his funeral to post here, but soon stopped as it was too painful.

Besides I often wonder how many people who said they will never forget Clint, do still actually remember him.

One person who never forgets, who never even knew me and I don't think she even knew Clint personally. Her son went to school with Clint and they were not even friends as such. They were in the same math class and obviously spoke and were friendly, being a very small school, but they could not be classed as friends.

Well Janet never forgets. Clint's very good friend, Michael's mom is also Janet, but it is not that Janet. The other Janet never forgets and every year on the 16th March, I get the most beautiful bouquet of flowers from her. Again this year she sent me flowers and a text message. She never forgets and her flowers and thoughts mean so much.

These flowers are the ones she sent this year:

I had to go to the dentist yesterday, because I had an infected socket from an abscess I had last week and after the tooth was pulled the socket became infected. It was the worst day to go to the dentist, but Mark would not let me leave it in case it got as bad as the last time that I had to have emergency surgery. After that I tried to sleep then we went to buy flowers for Clint's room and garden.

Last weekend we went to Hartbeespoort dam for lunch and stopped at a place that sells fresh produce directly from farmers and I found this beautiful plaque which we bought for Clint's garden.

Later in the afternoon, I tried to go through all the cards that we received when Clinty died, but just took some photos of the messages in the memorial book we have.

And as always, Garfield came and sat with me in Clinty's garden

Clinty you will never be forgotten by those who truly loved you and you will always be sorely missed and loved my angel.
I love you so much my precious Clinty

Remembering Clinty 16 March 2013 - slideshow

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