Sunday, 25 August 2013

Three Months; Three Weeks & Three Hours

Actually four hours and probably five or more by the time I have posted this................
Welcome to my never give up smoking blog giving up smoking blog. That's what my blog seems to be lately. I only blog about this incredibly difficult journey - giving up smoking.

I have not once given into the temptation, but I often think - maybe just one. I still say giving up smoking is so over rated and those who say you feel so much better and have so much energy when you give up smoking are lying - maybe not lying but maybe trying to convince themselves. My General Practitioner says that it is because I gave up my best friend and can't cope with it. Well I guess smoking has been the one constant in my life and has been there through every step of my life for 35 years. Through the good; the bad; happy times; sad times and the most devastating time of my life.

The other day, James, the upholsterer in our building came to get money one of his customers left with me and asked if it was true that I gave up smoking and what I took to help etc and we were chatting about smoking and I said there are far worse things in life than smoking and I never gave up for my health or to save money or because I hated smoking. I told him that the car fumes we breathe in all day in the workshop are far worse, then he said, "but with smoking it is something to you choose to do, so how can you choose to harm yourself?" I asked him if he ever spoke on his phone or sent text messages whilst driving and he said yes and I replied so how can you willingly chose to harm yourself and other innocent people when you know it is dangerous - he was a bit gob smacked - never mind the fact that I know he likes to drink a lot (alcohol) and no doubt drinks and drives. Funny how most anti-smokers conveniently forget just how bad some of the things they do are to other people. Smoking is just one of many bad habits that can harm and or kill other innocent people and yourself, but you do have far more chance of dying on our roads than from someone's cigarette - but that is termed an "accident" very far from accidental.

So why don't I just start smoking again, you are probably thinking. Well I don't want to appear weak I guess and I do totally hate the smell of stale cigarette smoke now days. I still love the smell of a freshly lit cigarette and still dream about smoking and even smell cigarette smoke sometimes in my sleep. When the cravings get so bad that I am close to giving in, I think about the reasons I gave up and try and balance the positives with the negatives.

  • Chad and I fought so much about me smoking I had to give up 
  • My health - it worried Chad so much that I would die of some smoke related illness and he believed I was selfish to not think about that
  • It had such a control over my life, what I did when I did it etc.
  • I am rather pedantic about laws and rules and breaking them - yet here I was smoking in reception at work when it is against the law to smoke in a building
  • The biggest reason for me, was the fact that I am forced to live without my child so how could I say I can't live without my cigarettes????????????
The truth of the matter is that Chad and I still fight, in fact we fight far more now than ever before. I am on such a short fuse, I am tired and stressed and just flip for nothing. It is partly smoking or the lack there of; partly hormonal and partly ill health, which takes me to item number two-
My health is so bad at the moment, I am always feeling ill, I have a stomach ulcer and 6 weeks into the medication it is worse than before; I have high blood pressure and when I am stressed I can actually feel the whoosh of blood going up to my head - OK maybe it is all in the mind, but it sure feels like it and my head feels like exploding. The only thing that stops me from having a smoke when I am stressed is telling myself that I could smoke ten packets of cigarettes in an hour and whatever it is that is stressing me out is not going to go away and neither will it change the person who is causing my stress, if it is someone who is stressing me out. 
Smoking still controls my life - I never stop thinking about it. All I do is sleep - the only thing that gets me out of bed on a Monday morning is knowing that on Saturday I will be able to sleep the whole day again.
I think the only reason that is valid and that stops me from smoking is the "breaking the rules" part of it and if I still worked from home, I would never have given up smoking.

This whole spiel about how your body starts healing within 20 minutes of giving up smoking is a lot of hogwash as far as I am concerned. So what happens when you are forced to not smoke for two hours because you are in a movie or standing in a long queue at the Revenue office or traffic department or anywhere getting stressed. Do your lungs shout out "Don't heal she hasn't given up smoking - she is going to have another smoke in an hour - as soon as she is out this queue." Then nothing until 8 hours....... OK so I do over analyse everything and I am not denying it, but really, I think it takes a lot longer than 20 minutes for your body to normalize - I am still struggling to breathe - something I never struggled with when I did smoke!!! I was never short of breath - now I am all the time.

My body has been through two severe shocks in my life. When Clinty died that shocked me and my body to the core, that aged me over night, made me ill and I had no immune system and now giving up smoking and going from 40 cigarettes a day to nothing after 35 years has shocked my body too and these past 3 months have not stopped the premature aging process that smoking causes - it has accelerated it and it is causing my body to shut down again - after a year of not going to the doctor I finally thought I was going back to where my health was before Clinty died, but since giving up smoking I am back to the doctor all the time with frustrating and irritating illnesses.

In hindsight I should never have given up smoking so drastically, I should have done it slowly or actually not at all and the main reason why I have not started again is because it will have been such a waste, going through all this - all for nothing.

To be honest I would not advise anyone to give up smoking if they have been smoking for longer than they haven't smoked in their lives, but to anyone who doesn't smoke - don't ever start smoking and that advice I would have given even when I was still smoking and was anti ever giving up. Yes we all know better and we all learn from our own mistakes, but seriously anyone out there reading this, especially teenagers - just don't do it. Besides the " bad for your health, smelly bad habit", it is just so not cool to be controlled by some inanimate object like a stupid little cigarette.

Even my blog is now being controlled by that little piece of paper wrapped around tobacco and chemicals and tar. I always plan on updating about our lives or lack of lives due to my constant sleeping, but end up on the "Oh how I hate the fact that I gave up smoking"  rant - not cool. 

I need to say good bye to these for good

Yes they are still controlling me and even though I have not touched a single one - I have not given up on them. 

PS: Excuse the spelling errors on this post and all the others - I do know the difference between their shoes are over there an to and too and two lately I have just subconsciously decided to change their to there and too to two
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