Sunday, 22 September 2013

Happy 24th Birthday Clinty My Angel

Another year has past,
Another birthday filled with tears and not happiness
How I get by......
Don't ask, because I don't know.There are less flowers
Not because I care less, but because they no longer bring comfort
Its a lie - they never brought comfort
It was to make the day beautiful
To let you know that no matter where you are
You will always be remembered.
I love you Clinty My Angel....
My Heart Is Broken & Will Never Heal
Life will never be the same again...


This morning when we woke up it was freezing cold, the wind howling. The universe in agreement that today was a very sad day, that we should have had sunshine and happiness, but we never did because Clinty, you were not here to celebrate your birthday. This is the 6th birthday without YOU and it does not get easier.

Chad and Mark manage to just get on with life, they remember its your birthday, but sometimes I think if I wasn't here to remind them then they would not remember, I don't know maybe I am wrong. They are able to do their own thing like it is a normal day. I can't.... I can't function... I analyse; I rationalize; I dissect; I make excuses, but I can't come up with a reason why on most days I manage to function relatively OK, yet on birthdays I shut down, I collapse; I go into a pit of dark dark depression. On Your birthday on Your death day, my body and mind just shuts down and I force myself to function. I force myself to not cry, until I just burst out in anger and emotion; in grief and sadness.... the tears come flooding in deep deep sobs from the bottom of my heart.


What I do know is that Your cat Garfield is always around when I am in your garden or when she senses that I need to be closer to you more than I usually do............ She prods and she pokes; she talks and moans and then settles down next to me, she know; she senses and most of all she misses you terribly too

Mark and Chad came home with flowers for Your garden........

I bought flowers for Your room ................

Nothing changes; Nothing is the same.............

For the past 6 years it has been flowers and flowers and flowers..............
I am starting to hate flowers .................. because they mean I don't have YOU - MY ANGEL

I love and miss you so much Clinty!!!!

All my love ....... Mommy

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