Sunday, 8 December 2013

An Icon; An Actor; A Child - Death

What a week- what a shock. My heart is filled with tears, like the clouds dark and heavy with rain, there is no stopping them as they spill out and gush down in torrents, except where the rain washes away the dirt and dryness leaving a fresh cleanliness in its wake, tears of grief leave nothing but sadness and emptiness.

I have mourned and grieved the worst possible death ever, the death of my child. I can no longer feel the pain death causes, because I am still hurting from Clint's death, that pain will never go away. If Chad had to die, I would not live long enough to know what that pain feels like. People always say if one of their children had to die, they wouldn't be able to live, they would kill themselves. That is easier said than done. Yes if you had one child, when you have 2 children - its very different. People always say suicide is the cowards way out - yes and no. It has to take a whole lot of courage to kill yourself. To know that someone who cares about you is going to find you and will have to live with the pain your death has caused. As they saying goes, until you have walked in someone's shoes - don't judge!!!

Clinton


Having said all of that, I was really shocked when Mark told me on Sunday afternoon that Paul Walker had died in a car crash. I hadn't been on twitter the whole day and we had been out all day. So it was only when Mark went onto Facebook that we heard the news. Mark thought it might be a hoax, but deep down I had this feeling that it was true. I searched and it was true. I have been so cut up about his death, an actor who did not know me, who I have never met, but his death has upset me more than anyone who I had known that has died since Clint. This goes way beyond getting so involved in a movie/show that we think we know the actors personally. You can read in previous posts over here and just the other month over here, how Paul Walker reminded me so much of Clint. Something in their eyes, in their smile, something I cannot pinpoint. It is just there. I dont know if it is because watching his movies brings back memories of watching the very first Fast & The Furious with Clint - and we have watched that movie a hundred or more times. I don't know what it is but for me there is some sort or connection. The connection and my absolute love for Paul Walker has just increased more and more since I watched Fast & The Furious 4. I cannot tell you how many times I have watched them over and over since then. Something that reminds me of Clint when I look at those eyes when watching a movie or seeing a picture of him. Clint's eyes come alive in pictures and so do Paul Walkers. They don't look alike; they don't even have the same colouring, so you will not see what I see, all I know is that it is there and the more I watch the movies the more I see it - maybe they are soul brothers - maybe that is the reason why two amazing people had to die, long before their time and leave heartache and pain behind. Everyday I live with the pain and hurt of Clint's death, the tears are always there, they just don't always fall. This week they poured, for Paul Walker an amazing actor and I am sure an even more amazing person, they poured for my Clinty an amazing child and an amazing person.  Above all, the tears were for my angel, whose dreams were cut short and we only have memories and when I watch the Fast & Furious movies and only those movies, it feels like Clint is sitting next to me and I have a lump in my throat until I just cry, like when I thought Brian - Paul Walker had died - in this post. Now he is really dead, so tragic, so sad, so hard to believe. Rest In Peace Paul Walker.

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Life is so unfair, amazing awesome people die young and Clinty far far too young and bad people who continually rape, murder, inflict harm and pain on children and animals just get to carry on living with their evil deeds.

Death is inevitable, we all have to die at some point. Thats how the circle of life is meant to work. You are born, you go through the milestones of life, you get old you get sick and you die. It is sad but it is expected, but the expected can be just as unexpected. How true was that when we woke up to the awful news on Friday that our ex-president, the esteemed MR Nelson Mandela had died. We had all been expecting it, but when it did happen everyone was shocked and saddened by his death. Perhaps we all secretly thought he would live forever. He lived until a ripe old age, but we can't say that he had a good long life. It was only the last third of his life time that he lived a comfortable life, where he was free. When he was young he was not free because of the apartheid system, then he was jailed because he fought for freedom. Finally he was free and he taught us all about peace and forgiveness. Now he is completely free. The most cynical were softened by this man, our President. Although it was inevitable that he would die sooner rather than later and for me personally, I am far more shocked and saddened by Paul Walker's death during the same week. I am sure I will be burnt at the stake by the lynch mob for saying that, BUT by no means do I mean it in a derogatory and disrespectfull way. He was an amazing President and an amazing person. If only he could have lived forever, if only he could have been our President forever, if not forever, then for a far longer time than he was. To come out of jail and forgive his oppressors, to try and reconcile a country that was filled with fear and hatred and he did it successfully, but sadly he was old and sick and could not live forever. His death was more than the death of an old sick man. I think we all had this hope and far fetched dream that he would get out of his sick bed and rule our country again one day, like he did when he was released from prison. That dream and ideal died when he sucumbed to old age and illness. Rest In Peace Mr Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela.

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As the country and world mourns for an icon and an actor, I will always mourn for my loving child. My heartfelt thoughts and sympathy go out to their families and the pain they are feeling now and always will. The weather is as sombre as my mood, the clouds dark and heavy, the rain pouring on and off,  like the tears of those who are grieving the death of their loved ones. Rest In Peace my loving child Clinton Jason.

Friday was one of those days when dying so I can be with the dead, almost became a reality. When living no longer felt worth it. I love and miss you so much Clinty.
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