Sunday, 26 January 2014

Looking Back Over The Past Year - Jan to April 2013

I keep saying that I am going to post about the past year and catch up on all the things I never posted about, but in all honestly there is not much to blog about. Looking back through all my photos, I missed out more in 2012 than 2013. The past year was nothing more than a sleep induced, sometimes lucid tear filled memory that raced by in seconds. I was looking through my photos - I sorted them in date order and I was really shocked to see all those that I thought were taken in 2013 were all actually from 2012. I couldn't understand why I had no photos in January and February, then remembered that our camera was stolen. It was stolen on the 2 February 2013 at the launch of our new workshop. So all photos I did have up until then were not downloaded from before December. February I just never took any photos.

Birthday Card From Mark & Chad
January is my birthday month and the beginning of a new year. Last year was slightly better than years gone by - less sad and more happy. My birthday was more of a celebration that I managed to spend another birthday with my living child than devastation that I managed to stay alive another year without my dead child. The guilt of a grieving mother is almost worse than grief itself. Today I have sobbed and cried and wiped my tears and sobbed and cried and hidden my tears and sobbed and cried and slept through tears. That is the effect birthdays have on me now. The guilt, the pain, the confusion at being happy and being sad and thinking about the past year and the years gone by. I still manged in between the tears to do my photo a day challenge and have caught up and by Monday morning I will be on the right prompt for the day. I even managed to paint my nails blue. That is how you learn to live with grief and pain and the death of your child. You never accept it, you just learn to be dam good about hiding the pain and tears from everyone around you.

My 2013 Birthday Present
Mark and Chad bought me a Kobo E-Reader for my birthday. Mark thought I would enjoy it, because I love loved reading so much until Clint died. Now I can't concentrate on reading and there is a huge amount of guilt, because I read so much and all that time spent reading I should have spent with Clint. In reality teenagers don't want to spend time with their mothers, but that does not ease the guilt. When Chad and Clint were babies and toddlers there was no time to read, but as Chad became more independent, I started reading with a vengeance, like I did before Clint was born. In all honestly, I have never wanted an E-Reader. I love books, the feel of them, the smell of them, the comfort of curling up and getting involved in a book, no matter where you are, in the bath, at the beach, on a bus, on a lilo in the pool; in bed; on the couch even on a boat - the list is endless and you never have to worry about the battery going flat. I do prefer books just not right now, but I must admit, I did read loads of books on my Kobo, mostly sad heartbreaking true stories about child abuse and then the last book I started reading, Killing For Profit - I just could not get into and have not read for months. So that was my last birthday. We went for lunch and for the life of me I cannot even remember where we went. That is why photos are so important - and downloading them. That was also something I learnt through Clint's death, but keep forgetting. Besides the launch of our new workshop and the loss of my camera nothing happened in February - and I have no photos except a photo of the cake we had for the launch that was given to me by the lady who made the cake. Thanks to the thief that stole my camera.

Launch Cake

The Cake Was So Yummy

In March we went to Fouriesburg and stayed at the Welgelegen Cherry Farm. It was the first time we had ever been to Clarence and the Eastern Freestate. Chad and I now both love the Eastern Freestate. Mark thinks it is too cold there - yes in Winter it is, but in March it was still lovely and warm and oh so beautiful. The rest of the photos are in this post.

Dam At Welgelegen Guest Farm
We also went to The Rand Show in March and every year that we go, we are disappointed and say we are not going again and then we do go - out of habit - part of Easter Weekend things to do. Chad and Mark went in the drifting cars again, we looked at caravans and all the other exhibits and it is just same old, same old - nothing new and each year it just becomes more noisy and rowdy and less family orientated and more of a booze up.

Drifting Course

Animal Park

Drifting Course

Animal Show
March is also a very sad month, because Clint's death day is in March. It was the 6 years in 2013  and it is extremely hard to live for Chad, when I want to die with Clint. If we did anything special in April, then I can't remember what it was and this is the only photo I have that was taken in April. The rest of March is posted here and the only post in April was my third year blog anniversary and how Chad has grown. I had one post in January and nothing in February and my January post was all about December 2012 anyway.

Chad On His Bike That He Has Since Sold

I was going to do May and June now, but I am tired and it is late and I want to post my Photo A Day Photos. I have posted them on Instagram, but still have to post them here and then I need to bath and off to bed.

Good Night

PS As always excuse the typos and spelling errors I am tired and my eyes were sore so I took my contacts out and am wearing 10 year old or older glasses and I cant see, plus most of the letters have rubbed off the keyboard of my laptop - excuses excuses -  I know!!!

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