Sunday, 19 January 2014

What A Small World It Is - And It Is Suffocating Me

The heatwave  broke last night and during the early hours of the morning I woke up to the sound of rain, I wasn't sure whether I was dreaming or whether it was rain or the air-con. I woke up this morning to a dark and dreary day, so it must have rained last night - not a big storm, but some rain to lower the temperatures and hopefully give the garden a good slurp of water. I know it was not enough rain to soak the garden, but hoping it will be far less dry. I doubt that the cooler weather is going to stay for very long, it is January after all and the height of summer. All I know is that the grey sky is more in tune with how I have been feeling this week. The other day, whilst I was in Clint's room, working , Chad came into ask me something and sat on the bed and saw the booklet that the Matrics are given at the end of the year and he started looking through it.

Clint never made it to the end of his Matric year, because someone decided to end his life; his dreams; his goals. The book was not his, it was a consolation prize of the worst kind, a slap in the face; a punch in the chest and a stab in the heart. I know it was given to me with all good intentions and kindness and at the time, I was too numb to care or think about it. Now it is just all of the above and more.  Clint's Matric Farewell was the night before he turned 18, he would have turned 18 at midnight and he was so looking forward to both his Matric Farewell and turning 18, for him turning 18 was going to open so many new doors and goals and dreams.

The booklet fell out the bag it came in, that was lying in the bed. I know it shouldn't be on his bed, but it is and it was. I still have the little gift of Chocolates, two shot glasses and little bottle of Amarula - the Chocolates and Amarula must be so stale and I should throw them out and although they are not Clint's per say, they were meant to be his and I can't throw them away. So Chad was paging through the book. It has photos of each Matric pupil, there were only about 20 students or less in Matric, it is a small school and they all had to write something about themselves and what they were going to do when they finished school. This was done in the beginning of the year sometime, so I don't know what Clint wrote, it was not in there, but the school did ask me to write something and I did - in my numbness and pain. As Chad was reading, he obviously remembered some kids and some he recognized as coming up on his Facebook page as "people you might know". That is some scary coincidental stuff, because Chad knows no one that might know them now. As small world's go there were a few children at some point that were in Clint's class who had a sibling in Chad's class. That was a major coincidence, because Clint was 7 years and 8 months when Chad was born, in fact we found out that I was pregnant with Chad on Clint's 7th birthday. So it was quite a coincidence that when he went to primary school there were children in his class that had siblings in Clint's class at some point of his school career.

Chad, thankfully isn't one of those "lets add as many strangers on Facebook and call them friends" popularity contest kids. I know strangers are just friends we haven't met, but strangers on Facebook can also lure you into all sorts of trouble and or death, which has happened to so many kids and even adults worldwide. So I am happy that Chad does not randomly add people he does not know, but when names do pop up, he looks at their profiles. He was so shocked that some of the names that have popped up are those same kids that were in Clint's class or were his friends. It is a shock that they come up on Chad's profile as he is not friends with anyone that knows them. Well we kinda Facebook stalked these kids, me with a heavy heart and reluctantly, Chad curious as to see if they reached their dreams and goals as stated in their Matric Book and to see who they were actually friends with that were friends with him. I guess the Matric booklet is a kind of year book, but tiny, because it is a tiny school. Well I don't think many did reach their goals. Half already have 2 or 3 children at the age of 24/25. One is a tattoo artist and not to judge, each to his own. I am just shocked as artistic as he is, I am amazed that he did not follow his dreams. There was a boy who thought he was such a jock in primary school, did not go to the same high school as Clint, but popped up on the friends of friends of friend's list. Oh my word, that was a shocker of note, because as high school rumours go, he was an even bigger jock (and even bigger word that ends with ck, but begins with a different consonant and vowel as jock)  in high school. Now at the age of 24, he looks like a middle aged man with an unsightly paunch and a beard and mustache that would make the Amish Mafia proud. The demise of the jock!!! It breaks my heart that Clint could not realise his dreams and goals. It breaks my heart that Chad does not have his older brother to hang out with, to mentor him, to be there for him. As much as the two of them could fight, there was a huge bond and great love between the two of them. Clint could do anything in Chad's eyes, he was his hero and his mentor and sometimes it did frustrate Clint, because Chad believed that Clint could move mountains, that he was capable of fixing, making, doing anything and everything, even the impossible. Chad lived this life of "no one can touch me, because my big brother will protect me" - Clint was not a fighter, but Chad had the confidence that Clint would protect him more fiercely than a Mamma Bear protects her babies. Then it was all taken away from him in one swell swoop, that knocked all that confidence right out of him and all those older friends also left and he had to survive on his own.

Chad has managed to climb up the confidence ladder slowly and now to be reminded of how small the world is that these people can pop up on his Facebook page now and be friends with people he is friends with is just unfair. Clint was a mentor and a brother that could be looked up to and be proud of. He earned that right. Sadly, Chad does not like people knowing about Clint, he does not like talking about it and as painful as it is for me, I have to respect that that is the way that Chad has managed his grief and pain and the only way he can live his life after his ended when his brother died. There are days that both Chad and I suffocate in a world that is so small.

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