Monday, 10 March 2014

Life Is But A Chore

That is how I have felt for the past almost 7 years - that life is just one long tedious chore. At this exact moment seven years ago I would never have envisaged that my life would have turned out the way it has. Yes life had its ups and downs, happy days; sad days, busy days; boring days, fights; laughter; fun, but never this gut wrenching heartache where some days all I want to do is curl up and die, when dying to be with the dead seems far better option than staying alive to be with the living.

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On this Sunday seven years ago I had no idea it would be the last Sunday that I would have my Special Angel Clinty alive and well and with me. Clint spent the weekend away, he went fishing with his very good friend and his family, he came home right about now 5pm. He had a good weekend, had lots of fun was extremely tired, because he stayed up the whole night with his friend's dad fishing and drinking rum to stay warm - OK that isn't very good - the drinking rum all night part, but what 17 year old boy doesn't drink and they were not drinking and driving or out in a club or pub, they were just sitting chilling at a dam fishing. They were having good clean fun and that was the last time my precious boy would ever have fun, go fishing; drink rum, enjoy his weekend. If I had even the remotest idea that it was his last weekend with us, I would have treasured every second and held onto him so tightly and told him over and over and over that I loved him to infinity and beyond. Instead we chatted and joked about his weekend and then he went to do homework and then it was Sunday evening normal routine believing that we had years and years and years of happy fun times together. I can remember that last Sunday like it was yesterday - like it was today - the following Sunday was a Sunday I would never ever have expected ever in my life - a day of hell - a day of numbness and disbelief actually. A Sunday spent so differently to the previous Sunday and Sundays.

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Strangely enough last week Wednesday we bumped into that same friend at the Petrol Station. I hadn't seen him in about five years and although he has grown older and grown up he was still exactly the same as I remember. I mentioned in this post that I was so shocked that another friend of Clint's was getting married and had a step child, so how shocked was I that M was also living with a girl who had a 5 year old son. I was so shocked. We were all in a rush to get home and Mark told M that he must come around and visit and bring his girlfriend with. He was so chuffed that she was included and he could no wait for us to meet her. They came around last Friday and she is really a lovely girl and I almost had this kind of feeling that I didn't want to like her, that the pain of not having to ever meet Clint's girlfriend and see him all grown up and living in his own place was too hard to bare and I was hoping that they would not come and I was kind of scared and nervous, but they came around and she is such a sweet girl who has done wonders for M. Yes by now he should be all grown up because he was older than Clint and I think he is 26 or turning 27 this year, but he was ADHD with a capital capital capital H and now he seems so settled and stable and grown up. As much as it breaks my heart to see these boys all grown up the one good thing is the pain is lessened a tiny bit, because both these boys were good kids - their teacher's would not agree, because they were not at school, but were well mannered and good kids in our home and were always at out house or away with us - they were always around. Chad was a bit offish with M, but that is a post for another time.

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So yes life has become a chore. I stopped posting my Instagram Photo A Day Challenge photos on my blog. It became to time consuming and they are on Instagram over here anyway, but then looking through my blog today I thought that maybe I should post them here as well. I take a photo every day and post them on Instagram, because it is easy with my Galaxy tab, but then posting them on my blog becomes a chore. My 365 photos which can be found here have become a real chore and I have not taken photos everyday. It is tough without a prompt and when life revolves around work and sleep there is not much motivation out there for photography. We have also had so much rain - just non-stop rain since last Saturday morning, which fits in with my really heartbroken life, but does not give much to look forward to when having to take a photo a day. I just miss Clint so much and then having to deal with the C@#$p of everyday life and people and business there just is no time or ability for creativity.

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