Sunday, 16 March 2014

Seven Years And Still So Many Tears


My Darling Angel,
It is so hard to believe that it has been seven years,
And still so many tears.
The tears will never stop,
The memories will never fade.
Life will never be the same again.
I miss you more today than I did on that fateful day
I will love and miss you until the end of my life.
I LOVE YOU MY PRECIOUS ANGEL


Your bedroom is still exactly the same,
Just filled with flowers and photos,
I know you would not approve
If you were still alive.
What boy would want his room covered in Flowers and candles and photos.
I know that you understand now
that my need to cover your room in flowers
Is so that I can try fill a void in my heart and my life that will never be filled.





Every year I say next year I will take down all the pictures of bikes and girls on your walls and pack them all away, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. Every year I say next year I will buy a plaque or tomb stone, not sure what you call it - an "In Memory Of" Stone, but I never do, because that will be accepting your death, accepting that you died and that I can never do. So we don't have a stone or a plaque, we just have a garden. I cannot bring myself to ever scatter your ashes, but keep saying next year I will, but I know I won't.




I regret not taking enough photos of you when you were older. I know you died before, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, I know you died before selfies became the norm, before smart phones and media cards, but I just cannot understand why you had no photos on your phone, besides the few of your bike. I know your phone was new, I bought it for you in November, but M told me that you took photos and videos when we were on holiday in December. I have checked your phone a million and one times and there are no photos.

Your phone & wallet I will treasure for ever

So all I have today are photos of photos of when life was happy, fun and normal. Life before you died.













And all I have for today's post is photos of flowers and a heart this is filled with grief and pain and memories.







I will never conform to what society dictates and move on with my life and stop grieving for you. I will live for Chad and I will mourn for you, my precious child.


I love and miss you so much Clinty. These past seven years have been the worst and hardest most painful years of my life. I will treasure my memories of you forever.

With all my love mommy

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