Thursday, 12 June 2014

Being Thankful

Sometimes I mostly cannot be thankful for what I have, because of what I have lost. Living through the death of my child just emphasises the unfairness of life, the carefree happiness of family life that we no longer have. Every moment, even the fun, happy times are marred by a deep sense of sadness and grief. The guilt of being happy and thankful sinks you into a pit of dark despair that is even deeper and darker sometimes than the grief itself.

How can I be thankful for what I have when I no longer have my son, how can I be thankful for my life when my son's life was taken away from him. How can I be thankful that I have one son, when I should have two. When it comes to my grief I am very very "Me" orientated. When your child dies, you become the only person who has suffered the death of a child. You become that person, that one and only person in the world - a world where no one else knows how you feel. Being thankful and grateful for material things just becomes a mockery of life itself and living with a broken heart makes being thankful for happiness an insult.

Those are my thoughts 90% of the time, someone else decided that I will never live life inspired and I will always be a victim of death and destruction. However, there are days when I am thankful for the small things in life - material things, like a car; a job/business; a home; a warm bed at night; a hot meal - although that is not always a good thing because I eat too much ;). We live in a country; a continent and a world in fact, where the majority of the population do not have the luxury of a car and a warm bed and home. Where they work long hours, doing hard manual work, walk home to a shack, but still have a smile on their faces.

So to get through today, this cold day, my thoughts are going to be about being thankful for the things that I can be thankful for. Of course I am always thankful and grateful and happy that I have Chad, who keeps me sane and normal and stops me from sinking right down into that pit of despair and never getting out of it.

Have an awesome Thursday and if you are going away over the long weekend, have a safe and fantastic weekend or just enjoy Father's Day at home relaxing, which we will be doing.



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