Thursday, 5 June 2014

My Mind Is Disappearing As Fast As The Days In The Month

This morning was such a struggle to wake up. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I climbed the long steep hill of the week and as I went over Wednesday, I slid right to the bottom of Thursday and am struggling to get to the top and make it through to Friday afternoon and the weekend. I hate that I wake up on a Monday morning, blink my eyes and it is Sunday night again. There are many aspects of my life and thoughts where life galloping to a finish would be the best thing that happened to me, because living without Clint is unbearable, but at the same time, wishing my life away IS wishing Chad's life away too. It is wrong as he has a right to enjoy each step of his life with me by his side. The last seven years did go by in the blink of an eye and it is something that I cannot comprehend and or explain, but the years have gone and we cannot get them back. These are the feelings of guilt that myself and all other mothers live with who have lived through the death of their child. It is immense guilt and who do you choose - your living child or our dead child. Unless you have gone through it you won't know what it is like.

Having said that, I did decide on Sunday, after realizing that we are now mid year and 2014 has flown by incredibly fast, that I will no longer wake up on a Monday with the very first thoughts being that I cannot wait for the weekend so that I can sleep late. I am not even joking, that is what I have thought every Monday for the last year or more. I made a conscious effort not to think like that this Monday, but wow this week has gone by just as fast.

I am also incredibly tired and forgetful. I had to open another bank account and everyday something happens and I don't get it done. Yesterday I got all the FICA  documents ready and this morning I rushed off at 8.15 and as I walked into Capitec bank the person who assists at the door asks if I had all my documents and I confidently said YES and as I said it I realized that I did not have them. I have been putting this off for so long that I just had to drive all the way back to work to get the documents. It is not that far, but 14.5 unnecessary kilometers to go there and back is such a waste of time - 30 minutes that could have been spent doing something constructive.

I now have the account and was assisted by a lovely young lady and I really think Capitec is the way to go when it comes to banking. I have banked with Standard Bank practically my whole life and I feel like it is just going backwards where as Capitec the new kid on the block is just so advanced with their technology.

And with that I will leave with these Thursday Thoughts for inspiration and motivation to get through the end of the week.




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