Thursday, 17 July 2014

Self Destruction

As if I don't hate Thursdays enough as it is, Mark woke up at 3.30 this morning to take his grandmother to White River to stay with one of her granddaughters. White River is about 385 Km's from home.  Needless to say I am tired and very irritated and do not see the point of him having to take her on a Thursday as opposed to a Saturday when we don't have to work. Added to that our electricity went off again last night, which set our electric fence alarm off at 1.30 - it happened on Monday morning as well.

Just to make my day/night even better, we had cottage pie for supper made from mince (ground beef) which Mark bought from our local Spar. Mark prefers Spar mince to Woolworths mince - yes I know he is crazy there is no comparison, especially our Spar's mince which is fatty and disgusting. I cannot eat their mince as I get terrible reflux and it feels as if my throat and oesophagus has been eaten away. It happened two weeks ago as well from eating mince from Spar and added to that I had chocolate last night - something I cannot eat any more as well. My GERD/Reflux/Ulcer is getting worse and worse and I was choking last night it was so bad and I feel awful today - the lack of sleep didn't help. It makes me wonder why we do things that cause us to suffer. Why we intentionally abuse our bodies.

I did it for my whole life smoking and eating badly to an extent, but now my eating habits are causing me to really suffer so why do I do it? I have been on a path of self destruction since Clint died, some days totally intentionally; some days subconsciously; some days just out of habit, but intentionally or not I am self destructing. Some days, like today, when my analytic brain takes over I can describe it as inflicting as much pain on myself intentionally so that I can suffer and feel a tiny bit of the pain my child felt during his last hours when I did not do enough to keep him safe and alive. There is absolutely no way reflux and a sore throat from acid reflux can ever compare to the pain Clint felt and went through without medical intervention or even an aspirin. To even try and compare it would be ever so wrong, but psychologically and subconsciously, I do believe that I do it to myself to try and make up for not being able to ease his pain.

It is a huge catch 22 situation, because I have another child who I should be doing everything in my power to live a longer and healthier life for. Last night during my bouts of broken sleep and chronic reflux, I decided no more I have to stop eating stuff that causes me to feel so ill, unhealthy and uncomfortable. Now that I am at work tired and irritated and haven't had breakfast (nothing unusual - we hardly ever have breakfast) I have this "what the hell" kind of attitude again.  I have to say I am feeling too ill right now to even look at a chocolate and have not even had coffee today, only a cup of Rooibos Tea.

To say my self destruction is only because of Clint's death is a lie - it has just worsened and I have a reason for it now, but the fact of the matter is that it is something I have done all my life. It is not only drug addicts and alcoholics - yes also smokers, who self destruct, there are many other ways to self destruct and eating an unhealthy diet is one of them. When you totally know that you are going to suffer after eating something and then go and eat it and enjoy eating it, it is so wrong and so self destructive and so me.

Today I need as much motivation as possible to get through this day and found these inspirational messages to share and reflect over.

Hope your day is better than mine.

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