Thursday, 24 July 2014

The Cruelty That Is Life

It is without a doubt a fact that because I have lived through the death of my child, I am quite desensitised against the death of others. It is not something that I can hide or lie about, it is a fact and I am not shy to say it or even ashamed to say it. Also living in South Africa with the high murder rate and road death rate many people become desensitised to horror stories, in fact the whole world is full of cruel horror stories of death and abuse.

However, there are some stories that affect me whether they are just simply sad or terribly horrific and this week has been a tough emotional week for me. A week where I have hidden behind, not only my own grief and tears, but also tears for strangers. Life is cruel; life is sad and life is just so unfair. My own tears and grief bubble at the surface everyday of my life, they are hidden from both strangers and those close to me and when I hear sad stories they are not just sad - they are proof that life is just so unfair and so cruel.

Some nights, like last night, my head is just so full of grief and sadness and thoughts of an unfair cruel life that not only can I not sleep, but I don't want to sleep. My sobs silent as I think of this life that is so unfair and cruel. This morning after my morning chores of packing the dishwasher and sorting the washing and other early morning chores in a silent sleepy household, with only my dogs for company, I sat in the lounge drinking my coffee. Tired and in no mood to face the day, mindlessly going through my Facebook feed - I am not a fan of Facebook, so that in itself is out of the ordinary for me . I follow or like, whatever you call it, a page called "My Special Angel - For Loved Ones Lost" and found the following image - it sums up everything I feel in a few little words.

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People say things from a place of kindness, even ignorance, but it is mostly the wrong thing to say to a grieving mother. The other popular one is "He/She is in a better place" as opposed to what??? - the lovely fun times your child is having everyday???? the life your child is living???? The other one is I will pray for you or you are in my prayers - Unless your prayers are going to bring my child back to life, which they won't - then how will that help me. Words cut more than they heal or help - a hug is sometimes all we need - a shoulder to cry on. Hearing that you will never survive and I am very strong is not what we want to hear - it is cruel and unkind and no help at all - we have enough guilt without you adding to it.

I have been reading a blog about a woman's struggle with Cancer for about a year or more now - her battle with Cancer has been much longer than that, but that is how long I have been reading the blog. It just hit me so badly when I read this post that the end has arrived. When a parent has to explain to their child that they are dying, that a little girl will no longer have a mother. Life is cruel; unkind and it just plain and simply sucks. I don't know what is worse - the unexpected death or being given a death sentence - neither is worse than the other - they both are just terrible ugly and cruel. There are many such stories, but like I said in the beginning of this post - sometimes I don't feel a thing, because I have my own pain and grief and other stories just hit me like a ton of bricks - I can't explain it. This one is one of those stories. It is a connection that I have on another level. I have tried to explain it previously it in this post here and here

Another story that hit me like a Tsunami of bricks this week was the horrific story of the four year old dragged outside his father's car by hijackers. I don't think anyone could be desensitised to this story. These are not criminals or even murderers that did this - they are inhumane savages and there is no other word to describe them. To try and be polite and politically correct and refer to them as criminals is just vulgar - I just cannot even think of the word I want to use when I hear people saying they are criminals.or hijackers. When the thrill of theft or hijacking of a car, becomes bigger than the screams of a child being dragged outside a car then you are no longer human - you are a monster savage and you have lost the right to be referred to anything humane. It breaks my heart that a child suffered so much pain and cruelty. It is beyond crime and even murder. I have heard a lot this week of how people would "not survive it" if it was their child. So which child do you choose - your dead one or your living one?? Don't add to the parent's grief by making them feel guilty, because they did not drop down dead when their child died, because you know you will if your child died.

It took me years to get back to not hating the country I live in, because of the lawlessness on our roads; the unnecessary deaths at the hands of others and the murder and crime. This story has just brought me right down to the level of negativity that most people are at in this country of ours.

Nothing takes away the pain the death of a child causes a parent - no poem; no quote; no sweet story, however what poems like these below do is make the grieving mother or father think "Oh My Word - I am not the only person who feels like that" "I am not going mad - I am not going crazy" It also makes us think that other people may read the poem and understand what life is like for a grieving parent.

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