Friday, 8 August 2014

Feeling Grateful - My Thoughts

The prompt for Photo A Day on Wednesday was "Grateful For". "That's easy!!" I am sure everyone said. For me it is a VERY hard prompt and needless to say I am behind again with my FMSphotoaday. You can find my photos over here on Instagram with the hashtag #FMSphotoaday. If you want to join in with the photo a day challenge you can find all the details on the Fat Mum Slim Blog. It is really fun and challenges your mind to think about your surroundings and can get your creative juices going if you put some effort into the prompts. I don't really put much effort into creating a picture with a difference and am often lagging behind when a prompt throws me, but it is still fun and I am quite addicted to it. I use my Samsung tablet, because I am one of the few die hard committed and loyal blackberry users left in the world and you can't get Instagram on blackberry - at least on mine you can't I am not sure of the others. If I use my camera, I have to download it to my PC and then email to my tablet, which is a mission so I just use my tablet. The problem is that I don't walk around with my tablet or carry it around with me so I have to make a point of getting it out and taking a photo. I have used old photos from time to time and that is what I like about this challenge is that there are rules but no hard and fast rules.

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Prompts like this one - being grateful - throw me and I often think I should give up. Yes there are loads of things I should be grateful for like my home; my warm bed; my car so I don't have to walk for miles in the cold and rain; that I have food to eat and and and. However, once your child has died it is very difficult for you to find gratitude in life, let alone in material things. That is what it is like for me, not all parents are the same - we all grieve in our own ways and there is no right or wrong way. The guilt of happiness and gratitude and being grateful is just too much most days. Yes, I should be grateful for my health, but on deep dark days, I just want to curl up and die and be with Clinton, then there is the guilt of how can I have those thoughts - what about Chad. Needless to say I am not grateful for my health and that I am able to walk live breathe, because my child is not able to live and breathe - that is what grief does to you. Everyone always says "Clinton wouldn't want you to...."  No one actually knows what Clinton would want, because that choice was taken away from him.

The night before last I was thinking about all this and I was supposed to do this post yesterday, but I was having a day from hell and was so busy that I never had a chance to post it. Today is not going any better, because I started this post early this morning and it is almost lunchtime now and who knows when it will be done.

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I can, with almost all certainty, say that Clint would want me to be grateful for my life and his life and Mark's life and Chad's life. So what I am very grateful for is that I gave birth to the two most amazing boys anyone could ask for. I knew and experienced the love of a wonderful kind and loving boy for seventeen years. I am grateful that he was born and taught me what unconditional love was; he paved the way of unconditional love for his brother. He changed my life in so many ways and I am forever grateful for that. I am forever grateful for Chad, for teaching me that I can love two children equally and that my heart and love is big enough for two of them. I am grateful that I have Chad to teach me that I can carry on despite the pain and grief, that I am able to smile and laugh sometimes. I am grateful for having children that I can be proud of. I am grateful that Clint never fell into the drugs and drinking world that many teenagers fall into. I am grateful that Chad hasn't gone into that world either and I doubt that he will later in life. I am grateful to Mark for being the amazing father that he is, I am grateful for the way he allows me to mourn and grieve in my own way and even though he disagrees at times, he also understands why. I am grateful for his love and all he does for me and us as a family.

I am grateful and privileged to have had Clinton in my life and he will always be in my heart and a part of our lives and I am grateful and privileged to have Mark and Chad in my life. Below is my photo of what I am grateful for.

Yes I do have a lot to be grateful for when I put some thought into it and being grateful does not have to mean the same for everyone.

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