Sunday, 3 August 2014

The Highs And Lows Of Turning Fifty

OK, who am I kidding there are no highs when you turn 50. It must be one of the worst ages to turn - in fact it is the worst age to turn. Who looks forward to turning 50??? 60; 70 and 80 are way older, but that is like a deserving age to turn - 50 is neither here nor there. At first I thought it was because I never celebrated my 50th, because I did not want to celebrate it, but I have since found out that other women who turned 50 this year feel the same as I do.



Last Sunday was my half year birthday - not that I even contemplated celebrating a half year birthday, but I turned 50 and a half last Sunday, which got me thinking and reflecting on age and life this Sunday. For one I am well on my way to turning 51 and I am still procrastinating and putting off until tomorrow, what I should do today. Hence my very belated birthday post. I tend to "ignore" things I don't enjoy or look forward to. I push them under the carpet so to speak. My birthday was one of them. It was a day I was not looking forward to, it was a day of tears and sadness. I was angry with Mark, because I wanted him to take me away and he did not see the relevance of being taken away - taking my pain away - going away would not have taken my pain away, but wanting to go away was symbolic. I cried buckets and rivers of tears leading up to my birthday. I was angry, sad and bitter. I was turning 50 and my baby, my angel would be turning 25 this year - half my age - he a quarter of a century and me a half a century. I could not even pull it together for Chad's sake. I was sad and angry with the world. I told Mark in no uncertain terms that he may not remind anyone or tell anyone it was my birthday. I absolutely do not cry in front of people and being emotional, sad and tearful quickly turns into abrupt, rude and angry outbursts.

Chad's Card

Mark's Card
Mark bought me a card, that was not a birthday card, but the words were exactly what he was trying to say to me, but could not, because he is emotionally stumped and he did not know that it was not a birthday card - he liked the words - they had meaning.



It was more like a sympathy card than a birthday card - and was quite appropriate. I was spoilt by the two of them. Mark bought me a Pentax 5 Camera, which is a nice starter camera. He also bought me candles - well had them made - vanilla fragrance with Happy Birthday and Love Mark Chad and Clinton. Mark always adds Clinton's name to birthday wishes. Aren't they pretty and so unusual.

Candle

Candle

Candle

Candle

Candle

Candle

Candle

Candle
Chad chose two books for me, sadly they are Danielle Steele books that I read when I was 18. He didn't know that, but bought them because the day before we had a conversation about my E Reader that they bought for my birthday the year before and I was telling him how I loved the feel and smell of paper books and far prefer them to electronic books. Real books appeal to nearly all our senses - well all mine anyway except taste. Thank you Chad - I will treasure those two books forever, because the thought was based on our conversation and buying something that had meaning. I will read them one day and have read many books over and over - that was before Clint died and reading has now become very painful and difficult.



We did end up going out for a lovely dinner - I washed away the tears, pasted a smile on my face and off we went for an early dinner of yummy food.



And that concludes a post that should have gone up in January, latest February, but procrastinate I will. I have been doing it for 50 years - I think I even procrastinated about being born, so I don't think I am going to change now - so no it was not my birthday this weekend, it was not even my half birthday - it was just a random weekend thinking about how old I am getting and how it is not fun at all, but now you know I am a whole fifty years, six months; one week old and by the time you read this tomorrow - another day older.

And no there are no highs to turning 50, just a harsh reality to a downward spiral of getting older and older. More aches and pains; less care and attitude, just old age knocking at the door.


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