Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Today Is One Year And Three Months Smoke Free

Fifteen months - why am I still counting?? I guess because I want to and because I can. Sometimes I forget that I ever smoked, but have this constant craving for something; this feeling that something is missing from my life. Certainly not the pain and very conscious knowledge that Clinton is missing from my life. I am always about to get something; about to do something - it could drive you insane, always wondering; always reaching out and ............ nothing. That is usually when I wander to the kitchen when I am at home or to the shop when I am at work and I fill that "missing" feeling with food/sweets/chips/chocolates anything.

I am a comfort eater, always have been. I tried to fill the missing hole with food when Clinty died, I am still trying to fill that hole with food - not healthy food, but bad food - that hole will never be filled. Now I am reaching out for food when my mind wonders what should be in my hands and in my mouth. I crave cigarettes every minute of every day, I just don't realise what it is that I am craving. Maybe that is just an excuse to eat, fill up on junk, because health foods don't do the trick - think cake, biscuits, stodge - only stodgy foods can fill a psychological hole.

One thing I am really struggling with since giving up smoking, is drinking water. I used to drink, on a daily basis, between 2 to 3 litres of water a day - everyday for as long as I can remember. On a bad day, I would drink at least 1 litre. Two litres of water is really very little - one 500 ml bottle in the morning; one at lunch time; one in the late afternoon/early evening and one at night. It is really not a lot, I could never understand why people found it a chore to drink water - now I do. Since giving up smoking, I hate the taste of water. They say giving up smoking makes everything taste better - well water certainly does not. I am always thirsty and even dehydrated and then think I am hungry and I eat junk instead of drinking water. Today I have had three sips of water all day and it is after 2pm. I have a minuscule amount in the mornings when I take my tablets, whereas when I smoked I would have a full glass of water first thing in the morning, before coffee. I just can't any more.

Today I decided to rather chew gum than eat sweets, but chewing gum causes the GERD to worsen and my throat feels awful, which could also be why I can't swallow water or why water tastes disgusting. Sometimes I think I should just shut up and light up - no more complaints about how bad I feel since giving up smoking.  I couldn't really - the smell of stale cigarettes just makes me feel, so sick - so that won't do any good and starting won't cure the ailments caused by giving up. So it is gum and Gaviscon and another smoke free month under my belt.

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