Monday, 22 September 2014

If You Were Alive...

If you were alive, you would have turned twenty five
Today is your birthday my beautiful son.
No longer a boy, but always my child.
I cannot put in words how I feel
I cannot put in words what your death has done to me.

What would we have done today
At the dam, on a boat, riding a jet ski
Lunch at home with your favourite dessert.
Anything, but these tears and hurt

Would you be married.....
Would you have a baby of your own.
Something we will never know.
Would you have your own place
A grown up adult with a life of your own.

Chaddy said the other day - no way will Clint still be staying at home.
If you were alive and had a place of your own
Chaddy would never be at home -
He would be your shadow
Your uninvited but very much loved housemate.

I remember as if it were yesterday
Helping Chad with his homework
Fighting and running out of patience
Stomping off and leaving him to his own devices.

I would hear your bike coming up the road
Hello mom hello Chad
I would hear Chad a few minutes later
Clinty, please will you help me with my homework
Why where is mommy, you would say
I don't know replied Chaddy  not too honestly.
Were you being naughty, you asked
No - a little white lie  I just want you to help me Clinty.

Not once but a hundred times.........
I would sit in my room with a big smile on my face
Listening to how you patiently helped your brother with his school work
How he would do it without a fight and without an excuse
I am almost convinced Chad drove me insane,
Just so I could storm off and he could sit with you and do his homework.

I miss you so so very much My Angel
The pain in my heart is real and not imagined
Buying flowers is all I have left to do.
The Universe was unkind once again
A hailstorm last night came from nowhere and trashed your garden.
All the seedlings planted to look special for your birthday
Smashed to smithereens.

The Yesterday. Today and Tomorrow
Still standing strong - not touched by the storm
Your favourite plant when you were small.
You are as beautiful as your plant - inside and out
Only we had yesterday, we don't have today and we will never have tomorrow.

You will be very proud of your little brother
Despite no longer having his big brother
His hero and mentor
Despite the huge knock your death caused
He is a brother you can be proud of

Chaddy was amazed at how the plant in the picture below
Went from green to white, over night
Maybe he was also searching silently for a sign from you.
Happy Birthday My Darling Angel
I know you are looking down at us
but wish you were sitting right next to us
I love you precious boy.

Always on my mind - forever in my heart.

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