Monday, 29 September 2014

Is There Any Truth In Nesting

I have often wondered if there is any truth in the Nesting Instinct in pregnancy. I certainly did not feel the urge to nest when  I was pregnant. It could be for a few reasons, for instance my life was not all "Love and Marriage and The Golden Carriage" so maybe it just comes with the whole phenomenon of  perfectly planned life. It could be that although I have to have a clean home, I certainly don't have to have everything in order and getting the urge to have everything in place and packed, passes me by very often. Or it could just simply be that what others experience in extremes I thought was normal. I certainly did not go to these extremes, but did make sure that all baby's stuff was bought and washed and clean and ready.

So I am not sure whether "nesting" is real or not, but what I do know is that the emotional turmoil and angst leading up to Clint's birthday is very real. It is uncontrollable and it takes a lot of strength to get through each day facing the world. The same feelings and emotions are experienced during your child's death month. That is a date that should have absolutely no significance in your life, but by a twist of terrible fate, it becomes the most significant date of your life and the days and weeks leading up to it are filled with raw pain. The birthday month and death month is the same - no celebration just pain.

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We have been through a terrible few days this month, worse than normal. I packed up Clint's room and I shouldn't have. We sold the Landrover and we shouldn't have. Chad broke completely yesterday. All these years of holding it together and blocking it out - the anger came gushing out. When all had calmed down, I was in Clint's room and he came and lay on the bed and he was chatting about all the good times we had in the Landrover, he spoke about Clint, which he never does. He remember every little detail of holidays we had with Clint. It broke my heart, but I had to hold it together, just so he could talk it all out. He told me about the mark on the Landrover fridge, which was tar from his foot - we stopped to look at flowers on the way home from one of the holidays - wild flowers, not cut flowers, and he got tar on his foot from the road. I don't even remember that. He remembers everything and we chatted for such a long time. He is such a wise and amazing boy - when he was all calm and angered out, he said you know these things always work themselves out. No sulking and anger for days - Chad is just like Clint in that way, both just get over stuff and move on. Clint's favourite saying was "Build a bridge and get over it". I gave birth to the two most wonderful amazing boys anyone could ever ask for. They taught me unconditional love and not to hold onto anger - I do with everyone else, but never my boys.

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We spoke about Clint's room again and creating a space for myself, I wish we had this conversation before I went ahead and started changing Clint's room, I just assumed that because Chad doesn't talk about Clint and his feelings, it would not worry him if I packed up Clint's room. I have decided that after we have painted it, I am going to put our photos in frames and put them up on the walls. I have wanted to do this forever, but could not bring myself to do it.  I started to look for ideas on Pinterest and as soon as we find a reliable painter then I will get started. It will take awhile, but I am in no rush to change his room completely. I rushed into it initially and I shouldn't have. Bikes were Clint's passion and removing his posters of them was wrong.

The days leading up to Clint's birthday and the days after are still so hard and will never get any better.

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