Friday, 27 February 2015

Random Reasons That Make Me Reach Out For A Cigarette

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, I say it takes 21 years to forget a bad habit. You would think that after 21 months of not smoking that the cravings would have gone for good and I would no longer be reaching out for that cigarette - not so!!! It's starting to drive me insane and lately I have been craving so badly for a cigarette - all day everyday. I keep reaching out for a cigarette and then like someone with senile dementia I do a double take and have to really think about what I am reaching for, tell myself I no longer smoke and get quite disappointed and then get angry with myself, because I do not want to start again.

The other morning I had to sharpen my lip liner and after spending who knows how long looking in my messy drawer for my sharpener, I then grabbed at, lifted stuff, moved stuff and in my confused dementia wondered what it was that I was looking for and slowly it creeped out of my subconscious - I was looking for my ashtray!!!!!!!!!!!  Twenty one months and counting and I am STILL reaching out for my ashtray to throw my pencil shavings into. The other one that goes hand in hand with the shavings is burning the tip of my makeup pencils with my lighter to smooth them over - especially my eyeliner, which incidentally I have not used for months and months. Something that I never left the house without putting on, from when I was in high school. I am not sure why I don't use it anymore or if it is related to not smoking and not having a lighter to smooth off the edges of the eyeliner pencil..

Yesterday (maybe the day before - this dementia you know) Mark and I were sitting in the office and he said he would never employ a smoker. I had to lift my jaw as my mouth dropped open in shock. Like why would he say that - oh because the people in the unit next to us are permanently standing outside having smoke breaks. I asked him if he would fire me if I started smoking again - let me rush off and buy some smokes quickly. He asked if I would ever start smoking again (not so I can get fired) and I said in all honesty I don't believe I will. As much as I bitch and moan about giving up, I cannot see everything I have gone through go up in a ball of smoke just to start again, when I hate the smell so much.

My doctor told me that I lost my best friend - it was more than a best friend. Smoking was there through everything I went through for most of my life - for my whole adult life and most of my teenage life. The good, the bad, the celebrations, the tragedies; the mundane, the exciting - everything. I could rely on my cigarettes no matter what, but it was a toxic "relationship". It was manipulative, bad, brought me down; made me ill whilst letting me believe that it was making me feel good. Adding to my stress, whilst pretending that it was helping me cope with that stress. I am done with  I am hopefully over that toxic relationship for good now. These past 21 months, I have been through so many stressful situations, scary situations and extremely heartbreaking situations, like when Pluto died. Dealing with Clint's dog's death, whilst living everyday grieving for Clint was touch and go to lighting up, but I didn't. The cravings come in short waves and I push them away.

I have managed for just under two months to stop reaching for sweets and chips and junk - I think that is why I am craving more and reaching out more than ever before, I have stopped the junk and eat tubs of Orbit Gum now. Its almost two years now and I am starting to feel that energy everyone talks about getting after they gave up smoking. It took a long long time, but I think it is finally here. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am sure so many people start again because, firstly they did not really want to give up and they had false expectations of how they would feel once they had given up. Some people do feel much better, I think it is mind over matter for those who feel better. Mark gave up and had no complaints - he had also only smoked for just over 10 years and was not a chain smoker - big difference.

I know my bitching and moaning has (surprise surprise) given one person inspiration to give up and well done and well done to anyone else who is trying. I would never tell someone to give up and tell them if I can do it anyone can, because everyone is different, but I can honestly say that I am shocked that I have managed to go without a cigarette for so long. I am shocked that I gave up, I was never going to EVER give up, so yes if you have taken the giant leap, hang in there, it is easier than you think, but not as easy as some make it out to be. My long quitting smoking and smoke free journey is proof that I would be lying if it was easy.

Oh and how about that Budget Speech every year, wondering how much cigarettes would go up by. Everyone always groaning about the increase, some saying they going to give up. Well now I just have this broad grin on my face, because it no longer applies to me - one less tax to worry about paying :-D

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