Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Why We Laugh And Smile - Dealing With Death Part Four

I started this post last week on Monday, but I was feeling out of sorts and not quite able to finish it. I am not even sure when it will get published I have deleted it and parts of it so many times. I was reading another blog the other morning, in fact, Monday morning and that was the reason for this post. The blog post is called Living With Scars and you can read it here. I am not going to go into the whole post on my blog, but the gist of it is that certain seasons, certain months and certain days just become overwhelming and unbearable when you live with grief. I have written about it often on my blog and the last time was in March - As The Seasons Change My Sorrows Stays. People move on, but the grief stays and we may laugh and smile, but no one knows the guilt and pain that the laughter causes. We laugh and smile because we have to NOT because we want to.

The guilt that you live with because you are "moving on" and smiling and laughing is enormous. You imagine these voices saying how can you laugh and smile when your child has died; how can you go shopping; how can you watch a movie. I am sure, in fact, I know half those voices are not even imaginary - there are people who whisper and say as much or imply that you smiling is not normal and how could you. The tears creeping over the edge of that smile is hidden until a later time when no one is around because people can't deal with the tears either - somehow they think death is contagious and THAT is a whole post for another time. The reason for the smiles and laughter and just getting out of bed each day was and still is this gorgeous little guy below.

There were many times that Chad and I would laugh together, but really belly laugh and it would end in me sobbing and crying because laughing is extremely difficult. It hurts like hell to laugh and smile and be merry so no, we don't laugh and smile because we want to, we do it because we have to. Even happy memories of this beautiful little angel bring tears and not smiles.

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