Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Not Another Year Older - A New Normal

Yesterday, the 21 September, was Clinton's birthday. Well, it should have been his birthday and he should have turned 26. Yes, I am a mother of a 26-year-old. Only he never got to turn 26 or 18 or even another year older. Through a cruel twist of fate and at the hands of others my beautiful son never got to be 18 or 21 or 25 and he never turned 26 yesterday. Clinty's baby brother reached a milestone that he never reached and never will reach. His baby brother no longer has a brother to look up to, he now faces the world and life as the "first timer".

I have now after all these years, all 8 years and 6 months of them realised why Chad does not like talking about Clint. Why he buries his feelings deep down, way under all his other baggage so that no one can tread near them. I should actually say I now understand why Chad does it. A new normal is a very real thing and talking about your feelings and like in Chad's case talking about Clinton just digs deep into that new normal and it hurts like hell.

I want to live my new normal without analysing how I feel and why I feel. This is now my life, it hurts like hell and it will always hurt like hell. There is no scale or ruler to measure the hurt and pain - there is no other pain like the pain caused by the death of your child. People grieve differently and react to death differently and cope with death differently. Some mothers hate using the word dead or died. I absolutely hate the word lost - it is all over my blog - how much I hate it. I did not lose my child. I did not go off to the shops and lose Clint somewhere, somewhere along with my keys and wallet. Death is not pretty, it is not nice - nothing can make it anything other than death, so using "nice" words is not going to make it less terrible and devastating. My child did not "pass" he should have passed his grade at school - when he died he did not pass - he died. He is not late and I think out of all the words people use the two I hate the most are late and passed. What I am getting at is everyone grieves differently and copes differently with different crutches, but what goes hand in hand with child bereavement is a new normal.

The pain never goes away, time does not heal we just create a new normal. A normal where pain and grief and hurt is a part of your every day - it is no longer foreign it is normal. So although I am blurting it all out on my blog, a very public forum; I don't want to talk about my feelings and none of it makes sense, other than my blog is my personal online journal where I purge my inner most thoughts - not my inner most, just my thoughts.

This is my new normal and although I have been eating my feelings pound for pound with white bread and marmite. I know that even if I eat a whole bakery full of white bread it will never fill that hole that Clint's death left, but the cycle of guilt and stuffing my face and then more guilt is a part of my new normal - I will rather eat my feelings; gorge and pig out and make myself feel sick than dig into the depths of my feelings and analyse my feelings and talk about my hurt and pain.

I just want to be left alone living my new normal - with my heartache and tears for another year that Clint didn't get older. I buy flowers and burn candles but that is all they are - flowers and candles and no celebrating or happy birthdays with Clinty and our new normal is devastating and tragic and right now that is all I care about and all I want to think about. Fortunately, I do have Chad to pull me out of my dark pit and make me smile and laugh whilst I try and hide my tears.

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