Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Mother And Child Drowning In An Ocean Of Grief

"On the 16 March 2007 just before the dawn of a new day, life changed forever, never to be the same again. Hopes and dreams and daily living shattered before day broke. Numb with pain and grief Mother and Child drifted through the sea of life. 

Lifeless and empty hanging on like a broken and battered sea vessel, Mother and Child drifted further and further into the dark depths of the ocean of grief. People standing in groups on the shore watching as they drifted away, each offering help, all shouting louder than the next. 

Each time the Mother and Child felt slightly strong enough to fight the tides of tears and currents of pain and stretch out to grab the help offered, they were stunned to find those offers of help to be as empty as the words blowing away in the icy winds. Mother and Child watched as those who had offered help walk off into the sunset to enjoy life ignoring those outstretched arms, flailing and sinking deeper and deeper as the tides of tears took them further into the ocean of grief.

Mother and Child drifting away, further and further, clinging to each other surrounded by nothing but a sea of pain. Holding tight and then letting go, struggling to stay afloat. When the child needed strength to rise above the waves of shock and horror, the mother sunk deeper and deeper, sapped of energy trying to save her child from drowning, when she herself could no longer save herself.

But survive they do...

Despite the lack of support and help from those who shouted the loudest, empty meaningless words, they survived with wounds that will never heal and scars embedded so deeply they will never be erased. With the guiding light and strength from their Guardian Angel looking down and watching over them, protecting and guiding, they survived and they will survive, sometimes wishing they didn't. Mother and Child will be Ok. 

They still ride the waves of grief, sometimes with the current, sometimes against the current, sometimes tumbled and thrashed, sometimes just drifting away, Drowning and battered, breathless and drained, wounds opening and putrefying but their Guardian Angel pulls them up and says you can do it. No one else but their beautiful smiling, Guardian Angel."

Clinty my Angel, my beautiful, beautiful Angel, it has been nine long hard years, Chad and I still ride the waves of grief, we struggle and fight to survive each day without you. We float and sink in that metaphorical Ocean and cling and flail as we battle through each day. Chad has his coping mechanisms and has learnt to survive, helping me along the way. Even on days when we laugh and smile, the tears are not far away. Chaddy has built a shield of silence around him that sometimes I don't even understand but then as if I hear whispers in the wind, I understand he needs to survive.

Chad survived despite no one being there for him, he survives because he has you his loyal protector guiding him along the way. I can hear you saying as if you are standing right next to me, "Did you really expect anything different mom" No Clinty, I didn't so I shouldn't be shocked and I am not. Remember the conversation we had just days before you died, that, if it was you, it would be you and me against the world and Chaddy said "and me Clinty" and you said "I know mommy"  and now it is Chaddy and me against the world... And you Clinty, our Guardian Angel carrying us through.

Love you and miss you beyond words my Angel...

Your Loving Mommy, Forever, and Always


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