Sunday, 24 April 2016

Desensitized or Self Absorbed

March is really not a pleasant month at all. It is the bad luck month. It started the year before Clint died when my car was stolen in March. A seriously crappy car not worth even giving away, but it was reliable and light on petrol. I took Chad to swimming lessons on a busy road with parents and children in and out during the half hour lesson. We came out and my car was gone. Lying on the front seat was the house keys and on the back seat Chad's swimming bag he forgot in the car. Chad's name and our address written in big bold marking pen all over the bag. Fortunately, it was an old bag from nursery school and it had our previous address written on it. I don't know if they ever went to the old address to try and get in with the keys, but we drove around later in the day looking for my car, never to be found and it had no petrol in it. I was supposed to fill up before swimming but we were late.

A year later in March, Clinty died and that just wiped out all the bad and nothing beats that. However, because of his death, it is hard to cope with the other stuff that happens. Two years after that Mark bought a Nissan 1400 that had been built up and cost a lot of money. He had just bought it and it was uninsured. He sent some young guy who worked for him just up the road to buy something and a woman jumped the red lights and smashed into him. No insurance payout and the car was badly damaged. I don't even know why they never pursued the woman who jumped the lights. We were also back and forth to court for the case against the person who hit Clint so that wasn't really on top of my agenda. I think there was also a debate around this kid and taking a chance in a very fast car. Anyway, he was fine, but incidentally also died in a car crash probably a year later, but he no longer worked for us when he was killed.

So we have had all these things happening in March, there have been more, but right now I can't think of them. They were important at the time because dealing with life and grieving was very difficult. We get to this March and again, it has been hell. I was involved in a bumper bashing on a very rainy grey dark cloudy afternoon - a week before Clint's death anniversary. Quite frankly it doesn't matter who was at fault, I was involved and it is still traumatic and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is very real. I suffer from PTSS from Clinty's death and no I don't use it as an excuse or crutch. It is real. People are so desensitised to the carnage and death on our roads or deaths and maiming through crime that now days being in a bumper bashing will get you if you lucky, a "Oh Dear" or nothing. I am not looking for sympathy, but seriously no "are you OK emotionally" seeing that physically I am fine. Not even is your car ok - nothing.

I have had a few things going on but this is the background to this post and another reason why I unpublished my blog. I was in this situation where this woman I met online through blogging had an issue at work. A fairly new job and from January, she started emailing every day about her job. How unhappy she was, what she should do. I didn't mind initially, even though it wasn't one email a day - it was a lot. This went on for the whole of January. Then it was my birthday - she said nothing about my birthday and I said nothing. At the end of the day, I said it was my birthday, we are going out for dinner I will chat, as in email, another day. I know, I am the worst at remembering birthdays. Even with a reminder, I forget. I have all the best intentions and I forget. Life gets the better of me and it is no excuse, just that I know it happens.

The next morning before I was in the shower I get an email, not how you, how was your birthday just another rant about the job. I was annoyed and let it slide, but was less enthusiastic for want of a better word when it came to replying and responding. It didn't stop the daily emails. As my life started to become more and more fraught with drama and problems I got more and more irritated and aware of how self-involved this person was. Eventually, I had enough of hinting that my life was not as stress-free as she may believe and we all have problems. I kind of lost it when again before I showered I received an email and the latest drama was not being able to use the Company's (unauthorised mind you) WiFi because they were releasing her from her resignation period earlier.

That is when I thought "is my life so Instagram cropped and filtered that it looks perfect from the outside" - oh and SO materialistic and superficial that my only problem or stress could be my kitchen. Do I not even appear to be grieved and saddened by my son's death that someone's problem of not being able to use free WiFi is more stressful and traumatic than my own life grieving for my son. My blog is for all intents and purposes to work through my grief and to journal our lives - both the good and the bad. I don't want sympathy and don't tell my story for sympathy. I tell it because Clinton is my child and will always be my child. I blog about it because it is my story and this is my blog and my life and I do indulge my grief in March when it is his death anniversary. I don't mind listening to someone's problems for months on end but have some respect for what I am going through.

Anyway, after listing some of my problems in an email I have never heard from her again. Some people are in your life for a reason and some for a season and some for no reason at all. That was another reason why I took my blog down. Although it is still cropped and filtered and there are many more reasons, I thought about it and that person is just very self-centered and self-absorbed and it is not my problem. Perhaps we do just filter down our lives too much on Social Media. No one wants to air their dirty laundry in public and document every fight and argument and ALL the drama so we filter out the bad and concentrate on the good and then some people take that happy or fairly happy place and make it ugly.

The other word I couldn't remember in this post from my course feedback was "creatively". I was enthusiastic and worked hard and creatively in my course assignments. I never see myself as a creative person. I do, however, get carried away with my blog widgets and I have days when I love playing in Photoshop. I won't lie, I did get all creative with my images with the one assignment and made them look all fancy and creative, but I am by nature and skills, not a creative person.

I have all but given up with my photo a day challenge. My Word for the year was Creative but the universe decided, nope let's rather have drama and stress. How difficult is it to take a photo of something blue, of your favourite food or a card and post it on Instagram?? Not at all, but life can suck all that out of you and a simple photo becomes a stressful chore. How damn crazy is this - this post about Life Getting The Better Of Creativity was posted on the 26th of April 2014, today is the 24th of April 2016. April is obviously the aftermath of March, but I am sucked dry of creativity and posting random prompted photos on Instagram. I do enjoy it and don't see it as random prompts on a good day, but yes life!!! Say no more.

I went and had a look around Yummly, you can find out more about it here. It is like Pinterest but for food/recipes only. There are thousands of recipes and the first page that loaded was full of recipes for crepes. We call them pancakes. It reminded me that I made pancakes last week and they came out OK. The first time I made them, I had to throw the whole bowl of mixture away, they were so bad. This time, they were ever so slightly rubbery but very edible. I didn't sign up for Yummly because you have to give your full name and I don't want my personal details online - hence my immense dislike of Facebook. I need to have a good look at it, but I am feeling so sick. About 3 weeks ago, I also got a terrible bug on a Sunday and now again. As the day progresses the more sick I feel. Just looking at the picture of these pancakes is making me feel so nauseous. I have taken Valoid but it hasn't helped.

The dogs are nagging to play and I am just not up to it. Nala is grunting at me and moaning, she makes such a funny noise. I need to record it. I have my back to her lying on the bed and she is sitting on the floor moaning. She is not happy. Shame poor girl, but I really feel awful.

That is my massive moan for this week, blogging like no one is reading... Hope yours is better!!!

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