Monday, 18 July 2016

Striving For Peace & Serenity

When I decided to give up publishing my blog, the one reason was Chad's privacy and I just alluded to other people being the reason for wanting to give up blogging. I know there were people getting all paranoid saying "It's because of me/us that she has closed her blog". Well, guess what - if you ever do read this it wasn't you!!! Presumptions or the A$$ of Assumptions - my going unpublished was really not shutting you out. You were not the reason!!! Unless of course, your name is Mark because you know you were the reason. I also don't think you {Mark or anyone else} will ever read this. I am writing like no one is reading because no one is reading and it will just be better if you don't read this (Mark). All of it is the truth - just a truth you refuse to accept or refuse to hear. Well, parts of what I am on about anyway.

Mark and I have always had a rocky relationship and have split up so many times and lost so much in material stuff, because as soon as we split up, moved out of wherever we lived, we were seeing each other again. This is one of the reasons why we have never married. The other reasons are because he is scared of commitment and scared of rejection. Nevermind that we have been together longer than most married couples. His mother married and divorced enough times to make anyone fear marriage and commitment and she is the reason why he would never get married. It is not even the amount of times that she married and divorced that is the issue - it is the consequences and the life they lived because of the lifestyle she chose.

I also would never get married because of ... guess what??? His mother!!! She is NOT the old interfering mother-in-law type person - that would be his grandmother. I think my point about the marriages explains most of it and the fact that she thinks she is still 16. They will never be my inlaws and remain your mother/brother/sister etc and that is the polite version. There is no grandmother, it is dad's mother. Just to put it in perspective, the offspring of the siblings get told not to use any grandmotherly terms in front of certain newly acquainted persons of the opposite sex. It is first name basis only, then later on back to granny or whatever. Through not getting married, it was and is my prerogative that said scenario won't happen in our family.

So Mark and I have been on a rocky road throughout our relationship but even at times that we hated each other it was with passion and emotion and feeling. I am sure if Clint never died we would have split up for good a long time ago. Most relationships don't survive the death of a child. Your whole world falls apart and men and women grieve differently. Most men don't show grief  or how they are grieving and then you get those who can't show emotion and compassion and that is Mark. I knew that but even knowing it, it was hard. I still struggle with it now, but it was the easier option than leaving. That is where therapy helped. Therapy does not take away the pain of your child's death in any way. It is to deal with all the other crap in your life - like a man that can't show that he cares. Mark shows it with bags and bags of chips and sweets and chocolates. That was what was missing from his life growing up. That is what he believes and not the lack of love care and protection that was lacking.

So what has this got to do with not blogging?? Well as I said we loved and hated with passion and fire, but last year things got really bad and I went AWOL for a week to think about life. I still stayed at home but I took a leave of absence from my life. We sorted stuff out and there was begging and promises and commitments and and and. Then it just went pear shaped again and it steadily went downhill from there.

Then there was the time I had to face someone being really insensitive and self-absorbed and I thought my life must have appeared perfectly cropped and censored. Mark would also make nasty remarks about my blog every time we had a fight because he LIVES on Facebook which is an issue. My blog is about OUR lives - not living life vicariously through Facebook. Yes, I do love the interaction and appreciate the Online friendships through blogging, but seriously that is minimal and I don't blog to interact with Online people and have an Online life that takes precedent over Real Life. The nasty comments were starting to soil something that was meant to be a treasure trove of memories for all of us.

The other issue was that my life was false. If someone thought that her WiFi issues were more serious than the stuff going on in my life then I was really painting this lie on my blog. No one wants to read negativity and drama but my life was a lie. Incidentally, after this post I received an email from that person, who was very unhappy about reading that post, but still went on about herself and did not ask about my "perfect" life. I made the decision to rather not make my life public when it was far from perfect and said goodbye.

Chad had mixed emotions especially when he found out I had another blog - which was only for my blogging course. When he found out it was for a course he was neither here nor there about it. Mark had major rejection issues because I had a new {secret} blog about a dog mind you. Blame his mother for his issues, but by now he should be over it. My therapist told me that men {usually} with his type of upbringing, try and correct the wrongs they suffered as a child in their current relationships even if these perceived wrongs are not justified - they imagine them to be.

Now he is all "you mustn't delete your blog... you must carry on with your blog, why don't you want to blog anymore" and I am all "Why?? Do you want me to blog so you can have something to bitch about...." Very immature but that is our life as we strive for peace and serenity in between rocky arduous roads through life and relationships.

Although we have had a real rocky road from day one with all our issues - real and perceived - this year has just been enough. There has just been pure hatred and not hatred with passion and feeling - doesn't make sense but there can be a thin line between love and hate. We just got to a point where there were no feelings or caring left. No feelings full stop - it was dead inside. This went on for most of this year and last year. We spoke because we worked together and fought in between. We persevere because history has taught us that we lost more financially and emotionally from splitting up than what we gained. It has alsobeen a time of being asked what is wrong by certain people, asking why I don't chat anymore, why I took my blog down when they enjoyed reading it. Asking when they knew the problems but not caring enough in case it ruined things for them.

At the moment we are trying again. We are trying to love, we are trying to piece things together. Chad is extremely worried about me. He wants us to be as whole as we possibly can in light of our shattered brokenness. We are striving for peace and serenity. We are doing couple things and the other night we were making Calamari and Chad walked in the kitchen and said "Ah cute - you two are being a couple and doing couple things" He is  funny kid {young adult} - he is the reason I laugh and smile and get up in the mornings and make an effort to strive for peace and serenity. It goes far deeper than staying together for the sake of the children reasoning.

For now, we will just strive for peace and serenity and see what happens. Our lives and our story will never come from a place of Utopia. It will never be perfect and without struggles and fights. I will go AWOL again and again but I will try to keep the negativity to a minimum on my blog if I ever go Public again because negativity breeds negativity. No one wants fights and drama but telling a lie is not the solution.

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