Friday, 30 September 2016

Password Protecting My Life


Wouldn't it be absolutely wonderful if we could password protect our lives. Password protect from the hurt and ugliness, the nasty bitchiness, the jealousy and vindictiveness. Imagine being able to put a password protection on untimely deaths, your children dying, child abuse and animal abuse. Just protecting your life completely and utterly with a single password. Only those that have the password can enter and interact and as soon as they start being trolls kick them out and change the password.

Sadly, we can't do that and life and the universe just throws punches our way and we either roll with the punches or roll into a ball and try and fend ourselves from them. Some get more hits than others. Sadly it is those that are closest to us that hurt us the most in most instances.

So as much as I would love to password protect my life I can't, but I did manage to password protect my blog. It is a bit weird to have a blog and then restrict people from reading it, but my blog is really just for me to indulge my slight love of getting words on paper or I should say words on a screen.


I enjoy "writing" but my blog is first and foremost an online journal, it is not a blog per say. I have gone through many stages of blogging and wanting to take it onto a different journey, but it is and always will be my personal journal. This year I faced many dilemmas and one being Chad getting older and the need to protect him from my online world.

The other dilemmas were on an even more personal level which you can read over here and here. I then decided to take a break from blogging and unpublished my blog, saying goodbye to my part of the Interwebs in this post.

I won't lie, I missed blogging/writing and sometimes took photos for one day in case I blogged again. Mark although he was one of the main reasons why I stopped blogging, would often say you should carry on with your blog - don't stop. I don't know why he would want me to carry on, it's not like he always read my bog, or was involved with it. Maybe whilst we were striving for peace and serenity in our lives, he had the excuse to go on Facebook or Whatsapp whilst I blogged. I don't know.

In July, our one budgie died and besides wanting to document her death, so I knew when she died, I felt an urge to write about my feelings regarding her and death and grief and wrote this post. It started me off on blogging again. Some posts not even published, just words hashed out in a blogger post unpublished, some published (in my unpublished blog) with so many typos and spelling errors, some with photos, some with no photos.

I then wrote this letter to Clint on his birthday and it was so much easier to write from the depth of my heart knowing no one would read it. It also helped ease the emotional hell I was going through and it was a reminder that writing does help from a therapy point of view.

I was typing up this post last Saturday and I told Chad I was blogging when I explained why I sounded less than enthusiastic with my greeting when he came home with Jade after our recent misunderstanding.  All the juicy details you will find over here. Chad said "I thought you deleted your blog? Me "I didn't delete it, I just unpublished it, so no one can read it, but I still blog" Chad "Well what is the point then?" Me "I don't know, I guess I enjoy writing" Chad his usual witty self " Well I guess you had zero followers so doesn't matter" Laugh Laugh walk off...

Well I then got a bee in my bonnet, because I did enjoy the interaction with the few followers I had. Although I still follow my favourite bloggers, it is not the same as their perspective and or opinion on my thoughts on my blog so I decided to visit the school of Google technology to get my blog Password Protected. I searched and searched how I could password protect my blogger blog, you can do it quite easily with Wordpress, but not Blogger/Blogspot. With Blogger blogs you can make them read only and give people with a Gmail account permission to read your blog, but that didn't seem practical because what if someone without a Gmail account wants to read my blog. OK, wishful thinking, because Chad is right, I don't have people falling over their PC's to get to my blog to read it, but I just didn't like the idea of making it invite only through Gmail. Also with making it read only, it didn't have an option to have a landing page to say this is an invite only blog with an option to contact the Owner (Me) to get screened and invited.


I discovered this post  by Blogs By Heather on how to password protect a page and a blog. It seemed pretty easy, but did I struggle. The biggest problem was getting the landing page to work and I almost (at 2 am) contacted Afrihost support to ask them to redirect my blog. That would have been a huge mistake. I found other sites with HTML codes to add to your header to make your blog password protected, but the html didn't work and at 2 am I was getting more and more frustrated and tired and eventually fell asleep. Just as a side note Blogs By Heather has so much blogging info and blogging help and links to templates as well as Social Media tips and help if you ever need help.

I can become like a dog with a bone and I just don't let go with some things. It was stupid, because the next day, I got everything to work - when my brain and eyes weren't flickering on and off like a fluorescent light about to blow. The only frustrating part is that, even when I log in to add a new post and every time you open a new page or post, you have to type in the password again, otherwise you get thrown out to the landing page over here.

I haven't given the password to anyone as yet, as I still want to fix a lot of posts. When I go into my posts to edit photos and or fix spelling errors, the post republishes and sends me an email to say that Chad Life Us has published a new post. If I do this 10 times, it will send out the email 10 times. I don't think it is related to the password protection issue, I think it is just a blogger issue. I don't want anyone to get even more annoyed with me and my blog by getting hundreds of duplicate emails. As soon as that is sorted, I will give the password out to those you want to read it.

I am also looking into changing my domain to .com, but I need to first find out how the parking of domains and redirecting works. My blog went from many .blogspot names, where I lost a lot of images and info to chadlifeus.blogspot to my own .co.za domain. Afrihost assisted me in redirecting the blogspot blog to my chadlifeus.co.za so that I didn't lose any info or images and I need to first make sure I won't lose anything before changing to .com. The reason for going .com is a personal one and I really should have gone .com from the very beginning.

If you have the password and you are reading this post, thank you for wanting to be part of my journey as frustrating as it is with this password protection. I really appreciate you reading my blog and for understanding that this is a Personal Blog and protecting Chad's Online presence whilst indulging my love for writing and the free therapy I derive from it, is of the utmost importance to me.


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All content, words and images, on this page is (C) Chad Life Us and may not be copied, shared or reproduced in any form by any person or entity.

Tuesday, 27 September 2016

An Angel, A Birthday, A Death - All Come As One



A year ago we met this beautiful dog for the very first time {ever} on the 24 September.  She came to live with us on the 27 September. At no time did any of us honestly believe that Nala would still be with us a year later.

Sulking Because Chad Has Gone Out

The anniversary of her stay with us will always be remembered because it is right after Clinty's birthday. An angel distracting from the tears of death. In the quiet of our tears, she silently crept into our hearts. There was no plan it just happened.


She took a bit longer to warm to me and just knew me as her playmate, the extension of her ball. The end that threw the ball to her. She took quite some time to warm to Mark much to his chagrin. She has a quiet acceptance of Sheila, nothing rah-rah, very much like Pluto had with Sheila. She also has Sheila wrapped around her finger though and often when I leave for work and Chad is up before me, you will find Sheila throwing the ball for her.



Nala and Spike are smitten, they are like one at times. It is so sweet that Spike is smitten with both Chad's girls, JD and Nala. He absolutely loves JD and she is now just under Mark in his hierarchy. Nala has a reserved acceptance of JD. She has a relationship with Garfield, the same as what Spike has. Garfield has no relationship with Jingles and Piggy. They all just live in harmony, but she will often rub up against Spike and Nala and sit with them.



Nala and Piggy have the same relationship as what Piggy and Pluto had, although they have had a couple of scraps. Not Nala fighting with Piggy - just Piggy fighting with her when we have had workers at our house and Piggy has been stressed out she would snap at Nala or anyone in her way. Piggy never once snapped at Pluto - they were  complete soul mates.


Piggy always used to eat out of Pluto's bowl with him when he was eating and she does the same with Nala. They all have a bowl of food, but Piggy and Nala go eat in the kitchen at night when we are all sitting in the lounge or doing whatever after supper stuff we do and they eat. Nala steps back so Piggy can eat and then Piggy steps back so Nala can eat, but she really just steps back so that Nala can eat again and she can share the bowl.


We haven't had a day's problem with Nala. She just quietly slipped into our lives and got on with life being our dog. Chad says she is a weird dog and she freaks him out (he says that with all the love in the world). She will walk up to one of us and just stare, her eyes the windows to her soul just staring deeply at the person she is sitting in front of and then she will rest her head on a lap and carry on just staring and staring. No whimpering or crying - not a sound or movement and this can go on for a long time. Our weird girl.


I have this theory about her. As the story of her birth goes, her mom collapsed during childbirth, my brother found her and two other puppies "dead" the next morning after he came to check up on her mom. He spent most of the night helping her mother give birth and then eventually both exhausted she fell asleep and he went to bed.


When he went to pick Nala up, she was warm and she was still alive. My imaginary story, not theory, story, is that was when she became an Angel and her path in life to become Chad's dog started. Yes, it is just a story, but many legends and myths were once based on the truth. The other version is that the night Pluto died and went to Clinty, Clint sent Pluto's spirit down to Nala to start her journey with us. She has the same silent demeanor as Pluto, silently loyal, except Pluto was ferocious and so protective, but given half a chance or if the need arises Nala will kill for Chad. The other difference is that she adores Spike and Pluto hated Spike.



The day Pluto died was the day JD and Chad started their romance unofficially, it was on the 21 January, it was on and off and became official on the 21 August, exactly 7 months later. Their first month anniversary was on Clinty's birthday and out of respect for me or for silent unspoken reasons they never celebrated their first month anniversary (they made a big thing out of their second month anniversary). Three days after Clinty's birthday and their first month anniversary, Nala came to our house and attached herself to Chad, 3 days later she moved in and became Chad's shadow and blended in with the rest of the animals with not a single issue. It was like she belonged.



Chad's two angels - both loved by Spike, both understand him and love him and care about him and they both just fitted into our lives.



OK, sometimes Nala seems too good and perfect to be real, but she has some naughty moments. So here are some Nala'isms



  • The one end of the couch that Mark and Chad almost always sit on belongs to her. If JD is at our house, Chad and her sit on that chair and Nala will push and push closer and closer to get to her spot on the couch. JD loves it because Nala doesn't have the same adoration for her as what Spike has. That's how she grew attached to Mark, lying closer and closer to get to her spot on the chair.
  • We have new neighbours, since March and they have dogs, our previous neighbours had cats, no dogs. These dogs love fighting through the wall with our dogs and Nala is the instigator. She will always run to see if their dogs are around to bark at.
  • She loves Chocolate cake, once when she had only been with us for a week, Mark and Chad went away and I was craving chocolate, so I bought red velvet Cupcakes from Woolworths. I put my stash of snacks for the night on the table next to the chair I sit on in the lounge. I put the Cupcake on a plate and then went to the room to get my phone. I walked into the lounge and there she was creeping on the couch to grab my Cupcake off the table. She got such a fright when I walked in and caught her in the act. Whenever, we have chocolate cake, she sits drooling and begging and first chance she gets, she will grab it.
  • She absolutely loves chicken and when she first came to stay with us, she was often caught knocking the kitchen bin over to get the chicken bones. Thanks to her love of chicken, I now make them all rice and chicken livers, which they get on a Monday and Thursday morning. I cook the chicken livers in the rice and sometimes cook butternut mixed in it. Miss Piggy loves chicken livers but with her tummy issues, she can't eat them. When she was a puppy we had to give her rice to bind her stomach and she loves butternut, so she can have chicken liver flavoured rice. She goes mad for it, both her and Nala.
  • Carrying on with the love of chicken, one night whilst we were eating dinner, we had chicken salad for dinner, we heard clanging and spoons falling in the kitchen and Nala came running into the lounge. No one was in the kitchen and I went and had a look to see what could have fallen. The salad spoon was lying on the kitchen floor, which had been in the salad bowl. It looked like she jumped up onto the counter to steal the chicken in the salad.
So she is not perfect and she still nags and nags to play, but she is still this little angel that brings us as much joy as our other animals. She is not wild and crazy like the two hooligans, she is calm and serene, but full of energy.



JD had a bowtie from her cousin's party and they put it on Spike yesterday and he looked so cool. Chad put it on Piggy last night and she got so excited and went wild. We tried to take photos and get them to sit, but the excitement was too much with Piggy going wild. We put it on Nala and she was just unsure and reserved. 


 Nala hasn't been spayed yet. The procrastinators hitting it hard as usual. She was in heat in March during Clint's death anniversary. I was dealing with so much stuff at that time and had to deal with a dog bleeding everywhere too. She was very good about keeping herself clean, but our dogs are inside dogs and are all over everywhere so Chad and I went and bought diapers and put them on her. She was not impressed, but more annoyed that she wasn't allowed on Chad's bed. Chad had taken me to the shops to buy the nappies and I bought newborns. Don't ask me why I thought newborn diapers would fit a big dog, but yeah, Chad never lets me live it down. Chad spent every moment of her season sorting out her diapers and making sure she didn't mess anywhere. He is an amazing kid and with the things he does for his dogs (Piggy and Nala) he is going to be an amazing VERY hands on dad one day (in like a hundred years time). He said by then he will probably be sick of wiping butts and putting diapers on.



Oh and she loves to sleep. If Chad sleeps until 12, she sleeps until 12. She gets so annoyed if he gets up early and leaves early. Then she runs around whining. She gets up early on a Monday andThursdayu for her chicken livers and rice and then goes back to bed. She knows why I have called her and she comes straight to the kitchen to get her food and doesn't even go outside to relieve herself first.


... And a little proof to validate my myth, bearing in mind that as two females, Piggy and Jingles have no relationship and have hated each other since day one, but as the years have gone by, they tolerate each other with avoidance. Spike and Piggy have a wild rough and tumble relationship and theoretically speaking two adult female dogs brought together should not have such an amazing relationship.











And I have hundreds more photos just like these...


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All content, words and images, on this page is (C) Chad Life Us and may not be copied, shared or reproduced in any form by any person or entity.

Saturday, 24 September 2016

Another Year Survived Without Clinty



Despite my best intentions [at times (most times)] I survived another year without Clint on his birthday. Despite being so sure that I would not make it through his birthday this year, I did make it. I am not rehashing all the guilt because it is all there in this previous post and my readdressing it, doesn't lessen it or make it go away, it just comes across as looking for attention.




Despite both consciously and mostly subconsciously willing myself not to make another year, I came across on the other side [today] feeling slightly refreshed and OK'ish. On Wednesday morning I honestly could not breathe and not the Oh dear, I have a lungdiseaseasthmaemphysema help me I can't breathe kind of breathing issue.



No, it was heart wrenching, gasping for life, kind of not being able to breathe. I was gasping and grappling for air for most of the morning, one breath away from permanent heart failure or the icy grips of a heart attack and I survived that. Whoever said you can't live with a broken trampled heart was wrong. The strength I need to be here for Chad falters and grapples with death and then surges into the swell of power I need to live for Chad.



Going out to buy flowers, even though I convince myself, they don't help, because let's be honest, how can flowers ever make up for not having Clint here? How can buying flowers do anything for Clint or be a gift for his birthday? No, they don't help, but they are the distraction for not falling into a bottomless black pit that I will never be able to get out of, that the fist psychologist I went to warned me about.



I bought flowers and arranged them and lit more candles and even made roast lamb and veg for Mark and Chad, I never ate as I was on my second week of juicing. So yes, I survived and I went to work on Thursday with a heart more bruised and sore than most days. On Thursday evening I had a headache from hell and I was three breaths from  an aneurysm/stroke. Well that is what I thought!! I finished making supper for Mark and Chad, overloaded on water in case I was dehydrated from the Kefir Cleanse I have been on again, had my juice, bathed, and went to bed.



I woke up on Friday morning feeling fragile and broken like a hangover but from too many tears. I went with Mark looking for cladding he wants for something he is busy with and the sun felt too strong. My eyes were burning and my glasses were driving me insane. They are 100 years old, but still they were irritating me more than usual. My new ones are a million times worse. I had high shoes on and we had walked through rubble and rocky yards and then ended up at CTM so my back and feet felt a distant third to my broken heart.



I got back to work worse for the wear and got stuck into finishing my V@T recon. As I was finishing my return submissions my dull'ish headache that I was ignoring all morning just pounded into a headache of mass proportions.



I have never had a migraine in my life and I am sure [now] most people who say they have a migraine don't actually even know what a migraine is. I don't know if I even had a full blown migraine, but I think it was a very close second. I could barely see, I battled to walk to the bathroom and felt feverish. Mark gave me two Compral that I was reluctant to take, because they eat away at my stomach, but in the end took them out of sheer desperation. I lay with my head down and cried, despite trying to fight the tears, because who wants to cry from pain anyway. I survived pain from an abscess in my tooth and jaw without crying and morphine didn't even help that pain, so why cry from a headache. The tears just came, first just red watery eyes then crying in pain.



Mark told me to just leave the V@T and go home, but we don't need interest and penalties in our life and I had done the submissions and just had to do the payment. Just as my migraine type headache started to intensify, Mark gave me an urgent quotation to do, which he then said I should leave, but I couldn't just expect the Client to go without the quotation because I had a "headache". Whilst I did the quotation and V@T payment, Mark sent Phineas to get me a migraine cocktail.



Ok so Mark knowing about migraine cocktails and where to get them from is another story, but by the time Phineas got back I was battling to see and battling to think (not unusual) but I was battling to do everything. Phineas had to take me home, because when I had finished what I was busy with someone came to look at a car Mark was selling, so he couldn't take me. Chad then dropped Phineas off at work.



I took the migraine cocktail at home and I was meant to eat first but battled to have a bite of a cheese and ham roll after puking at work. So I took the cocktail on an empty stomach. Mark insists the migraine came from juicing only and I have to admit I had moments in the afternoon that I was swearing off every natural remedy I have tried and am trying.



I fell asleep for a few minutes, woke up and felt a bit better, got up to finish making the supper I prepared the night before. All I had to do was add the Nachos and everything that I had made the night before into a dish and pop it in the oven. Mark came home and said he would get takeout but I was done. I tried to eat, but just fell asleep again.



So I survived that AS WELL. I am sure I do still subconsciously and consciously at times will myself to death which is why these extreme things happen to me and I am constantly a medical marvel in the making.


Anyway this post was to post about the aftermath of surviving another birthday without Clint and to show some of the photos of the flowers and his garden. We didn't plant seedlings in the beginning of September for his birthday because of the drought we are having. There were still some plants that we had planted in August and the seeds the Gardener has been cultivating for me and planting around the garden, but other than that the garden is looking weather worn and desolate from the drought.









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All content and images on this page is (C) Chad Life Us and may not be copied, shared or reproduced in any form by any person or entity.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Another Birthday - Another Year of Heartache & Tears


        Clinty My Angel 
                    21 September 1989 to 16 March 2007

Clinty Grade 8








Clinty Grade 4

Clinty, I don't know how I have survived all these years without you. Each day without you I hate myself more and more for surviving and at the same time I am forever grateful for each day I live to be with Chad. Each day I hate myself for not being there for you and each day I am forever thankful and grateful that I am there for Chad, because he needs me, that I know, but so do you.

The circle of guilt never stops it goes round and round and round. For every day that I am thankful that I wake up to be with Chad, I am devastated that it is another day without you. The guilt round and round and round, there is no getting off or slowing down for even one second. If there is anything in my life that is a constant it is the guilt of wishing I was dead so I can be with you and the guilt that I am happy to be alive with Chad. 

I was blessed with two wonderful boys, no one could ask for two better children and that makes it a million times harder because my heart was ripped to shreds by your death and those shreds are torn between you and Chaddy, torn between life and death, torn between sheer happiness and sheer devastation.

I don't write any of this for sympathy or attention, I don't write it for anyone to read, I know you are not physically reading this or that I am writing to you in the worldly sense, what I do know is that you know all of these thoughts, because you are in my head and mind all the time and I tell you this all the time. I write this over here because I need to get it out of my head and pretend that I am sitting talking to you. I write it out because it is constantly screeching in my head over and over and over, my mind turning and twirling and churning with thoughts of grief and guilt. I write it in the hope that it will ease the pain a bit, in the hope that it will make sense of the guilt I feel towards both you and Chaddy. Life and Death both becomes a life sentence.

By the time your birthday comes around, I am totally sobbed out. The tears are there, they flow freely and uncontrollably but the sobs subside to the back of my throat, tight and constricted. The build up to another day of devastated grief, another year without you, another birthday without you, without celebrating another year with you, each day filled with sobbing heartache and devastation until I don't have the energy to think or breathe and then just another day with more pain than the day before. Just complete devastation that this is life and your birthdays and you getting older is no more.

As I type this I can't even say if I will survive another day without you. I can't even say if this is my last day here on this earth. All I can say is that this has been one of the hardest days without you and it is not even 10 am - when you came into this world at 10:05 am, 27 years ago. The sobs and tears tightening around my chest, constricting my throat, gasping for life, gasping for another day with you so that for once I can go without a day of pain. So that for once I can go a day without seeing you, talking to you, holding you and telling you how much I love you and miss you. All I know is that this pain in my heart is suffocating and all consuming. It is intense and sharp and sapping me of every ounce of energy.

I can't say "Happy Birthday" because there is nothing "Happy" about it, I can't send you birthday wishes because wishes are no more, I can't say I am thinking about you because I am always thinking about you. I don't know what to say, except that I didn't think it was possible to cry so many tears, I didn't know it was possible to even produce so many tears, I didn't know it was possible to walk around for nine and a half years with a pain in my heart cutting deeper and deeper. I didn't know that this year would be harder than the years before, I didn't know that it was possible for the heartache and pain to get worse than ever before. I didn't know so many things.

I don't know what to say, my Angel, except that I do know that you will never be forgotten, not on your birthday or any other day. What I do know is that you will forever be in my heart, mind, and soul my Angel.

I specifically chose photos where you looked unsure, where your eyes and smile were shadowed by doubt and uncertainty, where your usual smile was not beaming down, where your eyes were not twinkling because right now there is more than just a hint of sadness and uncertainty. Right now and for the past nine and a half years and the other nine birthdays, there has been a massive uncertainty as to whether you are OK, as to whether you are still smiling as to whether there is still that twinkle and sparkle of laughter in your beautiful eyes.

There is nothing but uncertainty, grief, pain and sadness, the only certainty is my love for you

I love you more than life itself

With All My Love,

Mommy


Clinty Grade 6

Clinty 9 Months

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All content, words and images, on this page is (C) Chad Life Us and may not be copied, shared or reproduced in any form by any person or entity.

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