Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Another Birthday - Another Year of Heartache & Tears

        Clinty My Angel 
                    21 September 1989 to 16 March 2007

Clinty Grade 8

Clinty Grade 4

Clinty, I don't know how I have survived all these years without you. Each day without you I hate myself more and more for surviving and at the same time I am forever grateful for each day I live to be with Chad. Each day I hate myself for not being there for you and each day I am forever thankful and grateful that I am there for Chad, because he needs me, that I know, but so do you.

The circle of guilt never stops it goes round and round and round. For every day that I am thankful that I wake up to be with Chad, I am devastated that it is another day without you. The guilt round and round and round, there is no getting off or slowing down for even one second. If there is anything in my life that is a constant it is the guilt of wishing I was dead so I can be with you and the guilt that I am happy to be alive with Chad. 

I was blessed with two wonderful boys, no one could ask for two better children and that makes it a million times harder because my heart was ripped to shreds by your death and those shreds are torn between you and Chaddy, torn between life and death, torn between sheer happiness and sheer devastation.

I don't write any of this for sympathy or attention, I don't write it for anyone to read, I know you are not physically reading this or that I am writing to you in the worldly sense, what I do know is that you know all of these thoughts, because you are in my head and mind all the time and I tell you this all the time. I write this over here because I need to get it out of my head and pretend that I am sitting talking to you. I write it out because it is constantly screeching in my head over and over and over, my mind turning and twirling and churning with thoughts of grief and guilt. I write it in the hope that it will ease the pain a bit, in the hope that it will make sense of the guilt I feel towards both you and Chaddy. Life and Death both becomes a life sentence.

By the time your birthday comes around, I am totally sobbed out. The tears are there, they flow freely and uncontrollably but the sobs subside to the back of my throat, tight and constricted. The build up to another day of devastated grief, another year without you, another birthday without you, without celebrating another year with you, each day filled with sobbing heartache and devastation until I don't have the energy to think or breathe and then just another day with more pain than the day before. Just complete devastation that this is life and your birthdays and you getting older is no more.

As I type this I can't even say if I will survive another day without you. I can't even say if this is my last day here on this earth. All I can say is that this has been one of the hardest days without you and it is not even 10 am - when you came into this world at 10:05 am, 27 years ago. The sobs and tears tightening around my chest, constricting my throat, gasping for life, gasping for another day with you so that for once I can go without a day of pain. So that for once I can go a day without seeing you, talking to you, holding you and telling you how much I love you and miss you. All I know is that this pain in my heart is suffocating and all consuming. It is intense and sharp and sapping me of every ounce of energy.

I can't say "Happy Birthday" because there is nothing "Happy" about it, I can't send you birthday wishes because wishes are no more, I can't say I am thinking about you because I am always thinking about you. I don't know what to say, except that I didn't think it was possible to cry so many tears, I didn't know it was possible to even produce so many tears, I didn't know it was possible to walk around for nine and a half years with a pain in my heart cutting deeper and deeper. I didn't know that this year would be harder than the years before, I didn't know that it was possible for the heartache and pain to get worse than ever before. I didn't know so many things.

I don't know what to say, my Angel, except that I do know that you will never be forgotten, not on your birthday or any other day. What I do know is that you will forever be in my heart, mind, and soul my Angel.

I specifically chose photos where you looked unsure, where your eyes and smile were shadowed by doubt and uncertainty, where your usual smile was not beaming down, where your eyes were not twinkling because right now there is more than just a hint of sadness and uncertainty. Right now and for the past nine and a half years and the other nine birthdays, there has been a massive uncertainty as to whether you are OK, as to whether you are still smiling as to whether there is still that twinkle and sparkle of laughter in your beautiful eyes.

There is nothing but uncertainty, grief, pain and sadness, the only certainty is my love for you

I love you more than life itself

With All My Love,


Clinty Grade 6

Clinty 9 Months


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Thursday, 15 September 2016

Tattooed On My Heart

It is no secret that I do not like Tattoos at all. I don't see the point of them, but each to their own. Just like some people don't like red lipstick, oops that is me too and some people don't like denim skirts, here's looking at you Chad, I don't like tattoos. I know some really lovely bloggers who all have tattoos and I also know that there is no stigma to tattoos today like there was in the 70's 80's, 90's and earlier, I still don't get the point of them.

Clinton and Chad both had the same view of tattoos as what I did and although Mark at a stage said he wanted just one small tattoo, somehow, somewhere along the line he has become as anti as what I am. A few months after Clinty died, one of his friends, actually, the girl he had a crush on for years and had just started dating said to me that she thought Mark would have had a tattoo of Clint's name in memory of him.

I was shocked because that would have been such an insult to Clint and his memory and I told her so. Clint didn't like tattoos and neither do I and neither did Chad, so why would a tattoo of his name be in memory of him. At that stage, I think Mark was also anti-tattoos and if he wasn't the last thing he would have done was gotten a tattoo to upset me. Clinty, is and always will be tattooed on my heart.

So we went on with our tattoo free lives and they were totally off the radar and then Chad met JD... and she has tattoos. When he first met her, I was convinced that I wouldn't like her because she was dating my baby boy and that's what moms do - dislike their son's girlfriends. Very stupid because if you don't want to lose your son - then like his partner. Then Chad told me she had tattoos and he wasn't keen on that.

Here we are 18 months later and she is a part of our family and the truth is that her tattoos don't make her who she isn't and don't take away from who she is. I would have probably been more surprised if she didn't have tattoos because her Stepmom and her Aunt own a Tattoo Parlour (do you call them that still) and everyone in her family has tattoos on her dad's side. She basically rebelled against her mom and got her tattoos done and then hid them from her mom. So I could say the fact that she has tattoos is the one thing that would make her not the daughter that I never had and now have because I don't like tattoos, BUT and a big but if she was my daughter I never had she would have rebelled and gotten tattoos.

I always knew that I wouldn't have to worry about Chad and Clint getting tattoos because they didn't like tattoos and thought it was stupid to "draw" all over your body with permanent ink. Well, Chad now wants a tattoo or two. A few weeks ago he told me that he was going to get a tattoo the next day and I asked him if he knew that you actually bleed when they do the tattoo. Chad has an irrational but very rational fear of bleeding - not fear of blood but himself bleeding. He then said he was joking. The other day, he said it again, so I said that is fine as long as you OK with the bleeding, he then asked JD if it really does bleed and she said yes and it is very sore. She also discourages him from wanting a tattoo and maybe she realizes that it was not the best decision she made and it is permanent. She also did it very young and now it is for life.

Whether Chad ever gets a tattoo or not will be his decision. One thing I know for sure he will never get a tattoo "In Memory Of Clint" because he knows that no tattoo will ever be a Memory of Clint. He also knows it is not only an insult but disgustingly disrespectful to need something tattooed on your body to remind you of Clinton. Do you have to put a mark on your body to remind you of the person that died, is that person not important enough to remember without marking your body.

Just like having a tattoo for the person who died means they will always be a part of you. Unless you actually injected the dead person's ashes into your body or their blood, how can a tattoo make the person who died part of you? Is their memory not enough to be a part of you?? There have been a couple of people who had tattoos supposedly for Clint - no that was just used as an excuse to get a tattoo!!! They needed a reason to validate their tattoos and used Clint's death as the excuse.

If there was anything in the whole world that Clint would have wanted anyone to do for him and in Memory of Him, then that would have been to be there for Chad and no one was. Trying to make a meaningless tattoo something for Clinty, if it was not so pathetic and disgusting, it would be funny.

Clinty and Chaddy will always be tattooed on my heart and deeply etched in my soul and no amount of ink will ever be a reminder of my love for both my boys. I was doubly blessed with two wonderful boys, two beautiful special souls and now blessed again with JD, another special and beautiful soul.

Deeply etched and tattooed forever...

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All content, words, and images, on this page, is (C) Chad Life Us and may not be copied, shared or reproduced in any form by any person or entity.

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