Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Another Birthday - Another Year of Heartache & Tears


        Clinty My Angel 
                    21 September 1989 to 16 March 2007

Clinty Grade 8








Clinty Grade 4

Clinty, I don't know how I have survived all these years without you. Each day without you I hate myself more and more for surviving and at the same time I am forever grateful for each day I live to be with Chad. Each day I hate myself for not being there for you and each day I am forever thankful and grateful that I am there for Chad, because he needs me, that I know, but so do you.

The circle of guilt never stops it goes round and round and round. For every day that I am thankful that I wake up to be with Chad, I am devastated that it is another day without you. The guilt round and round and round, there is no getting off or slowing down for even one second. If there is anything in my life that is a constant it is the guilt of wishing I was dead so I can be with you and the guilt that I am happy to be alive with Chad. 

I was blessed with two wonderful boys, no one could ask for two better children and that makes it a million times harder because my heart was ripped to shreds by your death and those shreds are torn between you and Chaddy, torn between life and death, torn between sheer happiness and sheer devastation.

I don't write any of this for sympathy or attention, I don't write it for anyone to read, I know you are not physically reading this or that I am writing to you in the worldly sense, what I do know is that you know all of these thoughts, because you are in my head and mind all the time and I tell you this all the time. I write this over here because I need to get it out of my head and pretend that I am sitting talking to you. I write it out because it is constantly screeching in my head over and over and over, my mind turning and twirling and churning with thoughts of grief and guilt. I write it in the hope that it will ease the pain a bit, in the hope that it will make sense of the guilt I feel towards both you and Chaddy. Life and Death both becomes a life sentence.

By the time your birthday comes around, I am totally sobbed out. The tears are there, they flow freely and uncontrollably but the sobs subside to the back of my throat, tight and constricted. The build up to another day of devastated grief, another year without you, another birthday without you, without celebrating another year with you, each day filled with sobbing heartache and devastation until I don't have the energy to think or breathe and then just another day with more pain than the day before. Just complete devastation that this is life and your birthdays and you getting older is no more.

As I type this I can't even say if I will survive another day without you. I can't even say if this is my last day here on this earth. All I can say is that this has been one of the hardest days without you and it is not even 10 am - when you came into this world at 10:05 am, 27 years ago. The sobs and tears tightening around my chest, constricting my throat, gasping for life, gasping for another day with you so that for once I can go without a day of pain. So that for once I can go a day without seeing you, talking to you, holding you and telling you how much I love you and miss you. All I know is that this pain in my heart is suffocating and all consuming. It is intense and sharp and sapping me of every ounce of energy.

I can't say "Happy Birthday" because there is nothing "Happy" about it, I can't send you birthday wishes because wishes are no more, I can't say I am thinking about you because I am always thinking about you. I don't know what to say, except that I didn't think it was possible to cry so many tears, I didn't know it was possible to even produce so many tears, I didn't know it was possible to walk around for nine and a half years with a pain in my heart cutting deeper and deeper. I didn't know that this year would be harder than the years before, I didn't know that it was possible for the heartache and pain to get worse than ever before. I didn't know so many things.

I don't know what to say, my Angel, except that I do know that you will never be forgotten, not on your birthday or any other day. What I do know is that you will forever be in my heart, mind, and soul my Angel.

I specifically chose photos where you looked unsure, where your eyes and smile were shadowed by doubt and uncertainty, where your usual smile was not beaming down, where your eyes were not twinkling because right now there is more than just a hint of sadness and uncertainty. Right now and for the past nine and a half years and the other nine birthdays, there has been a massive uncertainty as to whether you are OK, as to whether you are still smiling as to whether there is still that twinkle and sparkle of laughter in your beautiful eyes.

There is nothing but uncertainty, grief, pain and sadness, the only certainty is my love for you

I love you more than life itself

With All My Love,

Mommy


Clinty Grade 6

Clinty 9 Months

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