Sunday, 25 September 2016

Another Year Survived Without Clinty

Despite my best intentions [at times (most times)] I survived another year without Clint on his birthday. Despite being so sure that I would not make it through his birthday this year, I did make it. I am not rehashing all the guilt because it is all there in this previous post and my readdressing it, doesn't lessen it or make it go away, it just comes across as looking for attention.

Despite both consciously and mostly subconsciously willing myself not to make another year, I came across on the other side [today] feeling slightly refreshed and OK'ish. On Wednesday morning I honestly could not breathe and not the Oh dear, I have a lungdeseaseasthmaemphysema help me I can't breathe kind of breathing issue.

No, it was heart wrenching, gasping for life, kind of not being able to breathe. I was gasping and grappling for air for most of the morning, one breath away from permanent heart failure or the icy grips of a heart attack and I survived that. Whoever said you can't live with a broken trampled heart was wrong. The strength I need to be here for Chad falters and grapples with death and then surges into the swell of power I need to live for Chad.

Going out to buy flowers, even though I convince myself, they don't help, because let's be honest, how can flowers ever make up for not having Clint here? How can buying flowers do anything for Clint or be a gift for his birthday? No, they don't help, but they are the distraction for not falling into a bottomless black pit that I will never be able to get out of, that the first psychologist I went to warned me about.

I bought flowers and arranged them and lit more candles and even made roast lamb and veg for Mark and Chad, I never ate as I was on my second week of juicing. So yes, I survived and I went to work on Thursday with a heart more bruised and sore than most days. On Thursday evening I had a headache from hell and I was three breaths from  an aneurysm/stroke. Well that is what I thought!! I finished making supper for Mark and Chad, overloaded on water in case I was dehydrated from the Kefir Cleanse I have been on again, had my juice, bathed, and went to bed.

I woke up on Friday morning feeling fragile and broken like a hangover but from too many tears. I went with Mark looking for cladding he wants for something he is busy with and the sun felt too strong. My eyes were burning and my glasses were driving me insane. They are 100 years old, but still they were irritating me more than usual. My new ones are a million times worse. I had high shoes on and we had walked through rubble and rocky yards and then ended up at CTM so my back and feet felt a distant third to my broken heart.

I got back to work worse for the wear and got stuck into finishing my V@T recon. As I was finishing my return submissions my dull'ish headache that I was ignoring all morning just pounded into a headache of mass proportions.

I have never had a migraine in my life and I am sure [now] most people who say they have a migraine don't actually even know what a migraine is. I don't know if I even had a full blown migraine, but I think it was a very close second. I could barely see, I battled to walk to the bathroom and felt feverish. Mark gave me two Compral that I was reluctant to take, because they eat away at my stomach, but in the end took them out of sheer desperation. I lay with my head down and cried, despite trying to fight the tears, because who wants to cry from pain anyway. I survived pain from an abscess in my tooth and jaw without crying and morphine didn't even help that pain, so why cry from a headache. The tears just came, first just red watery eyes then crying in pain.

Mark told me to just leave the V@T and go home, but we don't need interest and penalties in our life and I had done the submissions and just had to do the payment. Just as my migraine type headache started to intensify, Mark gave me an urgent quotation to do, which he then said I should leave, but I couldn't just expect the Client to go without the quotation because I had a "headache". Whilst I did the quotation and V@T payment, Mark sent Phineas to get me a migraine cocktail.

Ok so Mark knowing about migraine cocktails and where to get them from is another story, but by the time Phineas got back I was battling to see and battling to think (not unusual) but I was battling to do everything. Phineas had to take me home, because when I had finished what I was busy with someone came to look at a car Mark was selling, so he couldn't take me. Chad then dropped Phineas off at work.

I took the migraine cocktail at home and I was meant to eat first but battled to have a bite of a cheese and ham roll after puking at work. So I took the cocktail on an empty stomach. Mark insists the migraine came from juicing only and I have to admit I had moments in the afternoon that I was swearing off every natural remedy I have tried and am trying.

I fell asleep for a few minutes, woke up and felt a bit better, got up to finish making the supper I prepared the night before. All I had to do was add the Nachos and everything that I had made the night before into a dish and pop it in the oven. Mark came home and said he would get takeout but I was done. I tried to eat, but just fell asleep again.

So I survived that AS WELL. I am sure I do still subconsciously and consciously at times will myself to death which is why these extreme things happen to me and I am constantly a medical marvel in the making.

Anyway this post was to post about the aftermath of surviving another birthday without Clint and to show some of the photos of the flowers and his garden. We didn't plant seedlings in the beginning of September for his birthday because of the drought we are having. There were still some plants that we had planted in August and the seeds the Gardener has been cultivating for me and planting around the garden, but other than that the garden is looking weather worn and desolate from the drought.

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